Taking damage:
Code:
While buying lunch, a local protest mistook you for someone else and beat you with their signs.
A pack of stray dogs decided to munch on your legs.
While taking a stroll downtown you were mugged by a group of improv comedians.
At a routine check-up your doctor accidentally circumcised you... a little too much.
You were viciously attacked by a woman and a large flock of pigeons while taking a walk through the park.
You tripped down the stairs and fell 285 floors.
You decided to visit a fortune teller. You don't remember anything and woke up in an alley missing a kidney.
Someone at work played a prank on you and you **** your pants. Everyone made fun of you.
You wanted to see how many licks it actually takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. It got really sharp and cut your tongue. You tried to bite it and your teeth exploded. Time to call the dentist!
While eating a sandwich you accidentally inhaled a whole pickle. That can't be healthy.
An angry mob stormed your building demanding you stop poisoning their water. You explained that your company isn't poisoning their water supply but they thrashed you anyway.
While watching a parade you fell and were subsequently stomped by an entire marching band.
You took a drink of water and accidentally inhaled some of it. The resulting coughing fit caused you to pass out and void your bowels.
Mixed up in a prank gone awry, you accidentally drank tainted water. You couldn't leave the restroom for a week.
Someone knocked on your door and, upon your answering it, they punched you square in the face then left.
Your assistant forgot to put away their collection of extra sharp thumb tacks. You tripped and fell face first into them.
You tried to poke fun at someone online and they ratio'd you hard. Take the L.
During a particularly heated moment, you mistook chemical hair remover for personal lubricant. That burns. A lot.
Someone flicked you in the eye.
While out shopping for new suits, the tailor accidentally stabbed you in the ear. Why was he measuring your ear?
Someone broke into your home while you slept and farted directly into your eyes. Hello Pinkeye!
You stubbed your toe on a table leg and cried.
While on a dream African Safari, a lion ate all of your skin. You might need that.
A new intern mistook you for some sort of ape-monster. It turns out you're just really ugly. Burn.
Getting buffed:
Code:
You received credit for a large project at work and were given an ample bonus. Don't let anyone know you have no idea what they're talking about.
You decided to give a homeless man money for food. It turns out he was a magic genie that grants wishes to those he deems honorable. You wished for longer fingers.
There was a horrible car accident outside of your office involving a car and a snack cake truck. You collected two hundred free snack cakes from the street. 
You received a letter in the mail that contained mysterious pills. You decided to take them and your legs have gotten six inches longer.
You had a great jog through the local park. An entire crowd was cheering for you. At least, that's what you're going to believe.
You received a lifetime supply of 'Anti-Ugly Cream' as an apology for being mistaken for some sort of ape monster. Thanks?
Someone at work **** their pants and now no one remembers that you did.
You find a shiny penny while walking to the office! Takes a penny.. to make.. a penny? Whatever. You keep it.
While walking home from work one evening, a dog keeps barking at you. You start following the barking dog and it leads you to a shiny, new Volkswagen Beetle. 
You decided to actually sit down and study work-related articles while at work. You actually learned something. That can't be right...
You were named 'Executive of the Year' in 'Dumbass Executives Monthly'. What an honor.
You find a tiny gnome living in your office desk. In exchange for a granola bar, he bestows upon you the power of having eyes. Now you've got five of 'em. Huzzah!
You managed to look cool in front of several people by winning a local 'Don't **** your pants' contest. That was never who you are.
You enter your office one morning to find a small old man sitting on the floor inside. He starts monologuing about the 'Power of Having Eyes' and 'responsibility'. You call security and swipe his ears before they escort him out of the building. Free ears!
While renovating your office you find a glazed ham hidden in the wall. You obviously eat it. It's delicious. Wall ham.
These kinds of things are one of my favorite things to come up with. I have so many of them in my own programs and in the programs I write for work. If you want any more horrible ideas let me know, haha. I love coming up with these.