Dream Job!

[CyberSurfer]

Don't y'all wish you had a job like this?...

BTW sorry about the text formatting, I just cut n' pasted it!

Monday
------

8:05am

User called to say they forgot password. Told them to
use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully
ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these
people vote and drive, too?

8:12am

Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense
reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer
#112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while
I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged
their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more
happy customer...

8:14 am

User from 8:05 call said they received error message
"Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem.
Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am

Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support
phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are
coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred
her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking?
The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am

Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL
changed on HR performance review database so that nobody
but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up.
Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are
sent to */US.

12:00 pm

Lunch

3:30 pm

Return from lunch.

3:55 pm

Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce
servers for no reason. Return to napping.

4:23 pm

Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on
form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back
when they find out.

4:55 pm

Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next
shift has something to do.

Tuesday
-------

8:30 am

Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy.
Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am

Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Could you put
something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the
support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away
grumbling.

9:35 pm

Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them
they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of
such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database.
Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to
janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am

Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID.
Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name,
and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board
database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah
Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing
from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer
Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am

Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while
I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm

Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
ransferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm

Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I
pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance
of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

1:15 pm

Development Standards Committee calls and complains about
umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell
them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm

Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
"Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear
over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce
Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks
about it and hangs up.

2:00 pm

Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to
check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell
her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct
tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer
to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm

Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
---------

8:30 am

Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
Tell them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not
"chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am

Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support
manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager
about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 am

Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest
several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in
third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By
and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed
random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs
and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page.
Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser,
and Tums.

10:30 am

Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe
corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am

Lunch.

4:55 pm

Return from lunch.

5:00 pm

Shift change; Going home.

Thursday
--------

8:00 am

New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show
him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him
up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the
same in both monochrome and color.

8:45 am

New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID
for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am

Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie
comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am

Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos
out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting
server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better
reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another
happy customer!

11:55 am

Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new
employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper
aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to
provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift."
Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece
of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni
and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile
to get to exit door.

1:00 pm

Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 pm

Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm

Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times
(just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday
------

8:00 am

Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server.
Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am

Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls
myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am

Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and
he Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call
Telecommunications.

9:30 am

Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San
Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots,
but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the
server back two hours.

10:17 am

Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell
them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am

E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the
time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it
to Milwaukee.

11:20 am

Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am

Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am

Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So
hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he
has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and
asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting
for him. "No problem!"

11:30 am

Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited
to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your
snuff" I tell him.

12:00 am

Lunch.

1:00 pm

Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL
to make them fast.

1:03 pm

Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm

Look in support manager's contact management database.
Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at
home resting, you know.

2:39 pm

New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
document. Tell them to run connection document utility
CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm

Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home.
Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm

Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working.
Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula.
Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm

Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white.
Also set point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 pm

User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell
them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and
then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum
which says so.

4:45 pm

Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell
them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm

Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens.
Not (too) much.

5:00 pm

Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny and to
have a good weekend.


[Edited by CyberSurfer on 11-16-2000 at 05:50 AM]

[stodolos]

Very Good...

[kleinma]

doom and myst??? a little dated huh??

[zmerlinz]

sounds like BOFH (******* Operator From Hell) to me

go here for some more good ones

http://members.iinet.net.au/~bofh/

[axion_sa]

Definitely like BOFH
http://bofh.ntk.net
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/30/index.html