scouser joke

[Ianpbaker]

sorry Matt

This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper.

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London
and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from
Liverpool.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are
prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in
1994,the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on
charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who
indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her
time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into
the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancie utilising her
knowledge of the industry working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at
least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this:
I love my fiancie and look forward to bringing her into the family and
of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?

[RSINGH]

This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper.

Riiiiiight, of course it was

[Ianpbaker]

Originally posted by RSINGH


Riiiiiight, of course it was

are doubting my reputation Sir. you are a rogue and a scoundral.

[chrisjk]

I bite my thumb at you sir!

[RSINGH]

Originally posted by Ianpbaker



are doubting my reputation Sir. you are a rogue and a scoundral.

Thanks - that's the nicest thing anyone's said about me all day.

[Ianpbaker]

well, I can't be nasty all day, can I ?

[chrismitchell]

yeah you can Ian... you are well versed in being a 24 hour nasty bloke I thought!

[chrisjk]

this is a local shop for local people, there is nothing for you here!

[RSINGH]

Originally posted by chrisjk
this is a local shop for local people, there is nothing for you here!

Where do you think you are...Cornwall?

[chrisjk]

for one scary moment I had adopted their mentallity

/*smacks self round head*/

[Ianpbaker]

Welcome to the Isle of Egg, only English people who are not english and hate the englinsh can come in

[RSINGH]

Originally posted by chrisjk
for one scary moment I had adopted their mentallity

/*smacks self round head*/

Seeing as its Interantional Scouser Day, and we seem to be revisiting regional stereotypes on the board today, I may as well post the following 'oldie but goodie'.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG

1. You have an urge to steal
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are
5. You often wonder why so many Scousers leave Liverpool and never come back.
6. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
7. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'
8. You think that Albert Dock is 'for the tourists'. What tourists?
9. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
10. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN PARIS TOO LONG

1. You prefer dogs to people.
2. You've forgotten how to shave.
3. You spit on the street and think nothing of it.
4. You find it hard not to be sleazy when wooing members of the opposite sex.
5. You smoke instead of eating.
6. You consider two bottles of wine an 'aperitif'
7. You won't buy anything unless it is in black.
8. You have a strange aversion to the British, Belgians or anyone else for that matter.
9. You refuse to speak English - even to your parents. You smoke on the underground - even when you get back to the UK.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN EDINBURGH TOO LONG

1. You say 'how?' instead of 'why?'. But not in public.
2. The thought of haggis, neeps and tatties does not disgust you, but you only eat it to be 'ethnic'. Normally it is caviar or nothing.
3. You think Glaswegians are unsavoury, but you've never met any as you are too scared to go to Glasgow after dark in case somebody steals one of your eleven mobile phones.
4. You think it is your God-given right to slag all the other Scottish cities.
5. You speak with a Morningside accent when sober... and then like a Leith dockworker when drunk.
6. You have whiskey for breakfast.
7. You are strangely proud and protective of Irn-Bru.
8. You haven't noticed how sickly and horrible Irn-Bru is.
9. You know the difference between a McDonald and a McKenzie tartan.
10. You think paying £10 for a 3 minute cab ride is perfectly acceptable.
11. You will sulk at the champagne being warm at Hogmanay.
12. You sulk if there are no after-club parties because you can't possibly go to bed before 11.30 am the next day.
13. You will sulk if you don't manage to spend £1000 on your Jenners account card in your lunch hour.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG

1. You say 'pish' all the time
2. You say 'aye' all the time
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish'
4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish, like'
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet
6. You punch everybody you meet
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
8. You are incomprehensible.
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG

1. You say 'mate' constantly
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from London is a 'w*nker'
4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern W*nker'
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day."
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city.
12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG

1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it'. "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern w*nkers'... until they kick your head in at a footie match.
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'
8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is.
11. Zzzzzzz.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LEEDS TOO LONG

1. You are unaware of any other club culture except Leeds
2. You get secretly excited when people say Leeds is the new big thing.
3. You fool yourself into thinking you can afford to shop at Harvey Nicks by going to the restaurant and ordering a water - and taking five hours to drink it.
4. Ladies: you dress like a tart out of Ibiza Uncovered for a night out.
5. Gents: you act like a ****** from Ibiza Uncovered for a night out.
6. You'll go into a designer shop at the start of the new season and ask how much something will be in the end of season sale.
7. You go around Harvey Nicks to see what's in fashion, then run over to TopShop and buy something similar - and then lie about where you got it from.
8. You see Leeds United players beating someone up/shagging a blonde in Majestyk and don't think anything of it.
9. You think Londoners are ponces and that London is 'crap', but you've never been as you can't afford the fare, and mum won't let you borrow the mini.
10. You hate students - even though you are one.
11. Leeds is the centre of your universe - you can't ever imagine leaving. Until you leave, then you can't ever imagine going back.


SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG

1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2. You drink Guinness as if it is a sixth food group.
3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan
9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes
11. You say "Your man" all the time.
12. You say "Your woman" all the time.
13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
13. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.
14. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'

[chrisjk]

lol so true

[RSINGH]

Obviously Brummies are the only normal people left.

[Ianpbaker]

SIGNS YOU HAVE BEEN IN BIRMINGHAM TOO LONG

1. You think That Villa is the best team in the world
2. You think that Jasper Carrot is a god and should be worshipped
3. You call all Men "Lad"
4. You call all Ladies "Luv"
5. you class the M40 as the "Road to freedom
6. you still think canal's are a perfectly decenet mode of transport.
7. You think Old labour was alot better than new labour
8. Wolverhampton is definatley another Town.

[RSINGH]

Bugger...

[Ianpbaker]

it's a friday afternoon is and this place is quiter than a westlife concert for the over 15's. what's going on

[chrisjk]

SIGNS YOU HAVE BEEN AT VBF TOO LONG

1. You hang about waiting for sombody to post something in quiet periods because you've got nothing else to do
2. The net usage log is filled more than 50% with "http://www.vbforums.com/forumdisplay.php?s=&forumid=7"
3. You'd rather see what's going on at VBF than eat, drink or sleep
4. "I'll just visit for 5 minutes" turns into 5 hours.
5. Taking the rubbish out is classed as a night out
6. Your favourite words are "Welcome back, View New Posts"
7. You use vB Code when talking
8. PMT now means Private Message Tension
9. You know what the time is in a completely different part of the world
10. Uploading your latest avatar is better than sex

[HarryW]

11. You no longer type www.vbforums.com to get to the site, you type www.vbforums.com/forumdisplay.php?s=&forumid=7

[Ianpbaker]

11. In really quite time's when you are really bored, you frequently check "who's online" to see of any one is replying to any of the threads that interest you.
12. you can't remember the last time you've asked or helped someone in the main forums.

[HarryW]

Amen to Ian's point number 12

[RSINGH]

Originally posted by HarryW
11. You no longer type www.vbforums.com to get to the site, you type www.vbforums.com/forumdisplay.php?s=&forumid=7

...or you get the last entry from your mru list.

you can't remember the last time you've asked or helped someone in the main forums.

There are other forums on this site

[barrk]

OMG that's funny, Chris!!!!!!!! Of course, it doesn't apply to me....I can quit VBF anytime I want.......really......back to work now.......okay.....just a few more minutes

[Ianpbaker]

13. You actually begin to undestand what Ked and simon are talking about and actually enjoy reading it.

[tumblingdown]

14. You get strange urges when ever you see a post from Katie.




td.

[RSINGH]

15 You begin to enjoy baiting other members and getting into silly arguments.

[Ianpbaker]

15. you still take the piss out of TD for "That photograph"

[tumblingdown]

17. you still find it funny offering Ian a sherry.




td.

[Ianpbaker]

18. You actually know where the joke originated from.

[tumblingdown]

19. You often wonder where the feck paulW has gone.





td.

[Ianpbaker]

20. you can pretty much search through your past posts and use it as a diary.

21. You get into a routine Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening


Night all, have a good weekend