for anyone that drives

[Ianpbaker]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:

Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"
Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: " May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."

Officer: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
immediately surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: "Sure. Here it is" - It was valid.

Captain: "Who's car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration." - The driver
owned the car.

The Captain opened the glove box to see if there was a gun. Sure
enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? "
Driver: "No problem".

Trunk is opened; and there is no body to be seen.

Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole this car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. "

Driver: "Yeah, Yeah........ I'll bet the lying son of a ***** told you I was speeding, too

[Jamagei]

oh man, i am gonna have to rememebr that one

[Neil Morris]

[barrk]

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending
a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was
wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home
and was speeding... Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in
hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen, recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You
know how fast you were
going, BOY?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"

"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic
fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop
took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You
don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy
in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind
of a job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I
go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple
more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther
and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the
hell do you do with a six foot *******?"

Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end
of a bridge!"