How to deal with an alcoholic parent

[Arrow_Raider]

I need some advice on how to deal with my alcoholic father. For 2 years now, he has been drinking every day. In the past 6 months, weekday drinks have increased from 1-2 to 4-5. Weekend drinks may be as many as 10, often beginning before noon. Many of our relatives, my mother, myself, and my brother have expressed great concern to him. He responds to such statements with extreme anger, so it is not something we can easily approach him with, even if we do it before he has begun drinking. His heavy drinking has led to some terrible emotionally painful arguments. As of yet, his drinking hasn't led to any physical abuse on any of us, but he does sometimes throw things, breaking them. He recently broke a TV by throwing the dtv converter box that was attached to it, which broke the RF plug in the back of the TV.

He drinks because he is depressed. Almost 7 years ago, my other brother of 13 years old, passed away. He has never been able to cope with that in appropriate ways. He briefly attending counseling, but he hated his counselor and really hated the idea of counseling. He is currently on 200mg of zoloft for his depression, which is the maximum dose you can be prescribed. He had begun antidepressants before my brother's death, but I am not sure at what dosage level. I know it was less than 200mg though,

He also finds his job very stressful and it often makes him angry. He dislikes what he does, the people he works with, and business is down a lot because of the recession. He is 51 years old, only has an associates degree, and his current work experience is in a field that has pretty much died with the recession. So getting another job would not be an easy task to do. He has been employed at his current place of work for 19 years.

Also, his father was a terrible man. He regularly cause emotional distress and physically abused his children. The "belt" was commonly used for whipping, and I am sure his fists went flying too. He was very much a heavy drinker, more so than my dad. It is hard for him to see things as we do because he grew up with a much worse father.

Earlier in the Spring, I signed a lease for an apartment near my university campus and will be moving there in September. However, my brother and mom will still be living here with him. Hopefully I can manage to deal with the issues until then, but my brother and mom aren't so lucky as to be getting out. My brother is still in highschool and my mom doesn't seem to be willing to go through with something such as separation or divorce. Both of them will be able to stay at my apartment of course if they ever need to.

None of us know how we should approach this issue. Does anyone have any suggestions or have gone through something similar? There is no chance he will seek help himself because he refuses to see that he has a drinking problem. I filled out the answers to the AUDIT test as if I were him and obtained a score of 23, which is very high. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcohol...ification_Test


His drinks include whiskey, vodka, and margaritas. He doesn't do his drinking at bars; he does it at home. He ends up dropping several hundred dollars per month on his alcohol. So far, he hasn't encountered any run-ins with the law because of his drinking, but he has been known to drive while under the influence.

[Shaggy Hiker]

I have no useful suggestions, but it sounds like his problem isn't alcohol. Tackling that would be treating the symptoms, rather than the cause, though I have no idea how to tackle the cause.

Good luck.

[dclamp]

I also had alcoholic parents when i was younger. They were druggies as well. I was taken away from them when i was 8. But this isnt about me.

The only thing i can think of is to call the police next time he gets really drunk and starts breaking things, or even attempts to. They will detain him for the night, or however long is necessary. Since your mother is put into a position of being hurt, as well as a minor (your brother) then the police will be more than happy to detain him.

While the police wont do anything to fix the problem, they may have him attend AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), where they can help fix the problem.

I would hate for anything to happen to You, your brother or your mother.

[MartinLiss]

That's a pretty bad situation. There are a lot of resouces mentioned on the web including this one that mentions al-anon.

[Torc]

See if there are any support groups in the area for relatives of alcoholics.

[abhijit]

I have no useful suggestions, but it sounds like his problem isn't alcohol. Tackling that would be treating the symptoms, rather than the cause, though I have no idea how to tackle the cause.

Good luck.

Maybe alcohol isn't the problem, but it sure could be compounding the existing problems.

Arrow_Raider,
I don't know what your situation is, but sometimes an intervention helps.
Do you think, you can get your dad's friends or close relations to arrange an intervention? I wish you luck.

[Davadvice]

I was expecting some sick joke.

Sorry to hear of your situation. Never been there, i had friends who have. i know from them that the only way to fix a Drink/Drug problem is for the person to admit they need help.

I would do the best to encourage your mother to move away with your kid brother or even take him with you when you go. TBH dealing with a teen when i am 32 and have the support of my wife and mother in law is difficult and i would encourage anyone in your possition to seek help from the support groups around you.

not sure where you are but in the uk there are people who can assist you. i hope you have the same options where you are.

Good luck and God bless.

David

[NeedSomeAnswers]

He drinks because he is depressed

I wouldn't claim to be an expert in this but it sounds to me you already know the root of the problem.

Your father needs help in dealing with his depression if he is ever going to deal with the Alcohol issue. The question is does he listen to anyone / respect anyone enough to take advice and seek help ?

Would he listen to you as a family if you all confronted him with the problem ?

Good luck with this, i can imagine that it is incredibly hard to deal with, its easy to give advice but it is always harder actually doing something about the problem.

[capsulecorpjx]

Take your father long distance running.

It might replace his other addictions.

In any case, exercise is key, running is especially good because it requires him to focus to keep going.

[demotivater]

Take a couple of weeks to write a heart felt letter to your dad. Not sure how your family dynamics work, but I do know that it is easy to ignore issues or sweep them under the rug until they stand up and smack you in the face. Express your concerns, your love, your regrets, your hopes, and what you see happening to your family. It's easy not to see any of those things and pretend that things are a-ok when your wasted all the time. Take your time, shed some tears, think about things you don't want to think about, and put it on paper. You could just talk about it to him, but like I said - if he's wasted at that time, you're concerns are easily tossed to the curb and ignored. Even if he doesn't want to read it when you present it to him, it's still there for late at night when he does regret what he's doing. And he does.

[oceanebelle]

Sad to hear you're also dealing with parents that abuse alcohol. My father is one too, however I don't know how he's drinking right now as I'm away for almost a year now.

Back then it was always bad when my father gets very drunk as he tends to insult in a very degrading belittling and downright nasty manner anybody that is within his radar, whoever that unlucky person is (friend, neighbor, wife, children...). My father is a depressed person but he has too much pride to even think or talk about it except when he is drunk. Somehow, alcohol loosens his tongue which transforms into a snake tongue where every word is poison.
I know my mom talks to him when he is sober, but then he forgets everything when he's drunk. We all want him to stop drinking but he himself won't stop drinking so we just let him be. Sadly when he becomes rather abusive in terms of speech, all of us scrambles away from him and let him drink in peace until he is eventually overcome by the liquor and sleeps it all away. We've found that this approach is the most peaceful approach and that no amount of talk can persuade him to stop drinking.
I've seen worse of course; drunk neighbors attacking somebody else's house because they were too drunk to realize what they were doing and just doesn't succumb to sleep. At least in that aspect, I consider myself lucky not being beaten by a drunkard.

I know I sound insensitive but quite frankly I have ceased to care. You can't teach old dogs new tricks and especially an old dog that is stubborn. Of course family ties are different for each family so I can't really say what's the best approach to tackle a problem like this and obviously the way I deal with mine is impractical so I don't recommend it.
Just in case, if you find yourself investing too much energy, emotion, time and tears over someone that is unwilling to hear you out then maybe it is time for you to re-assess whether your investment has been worth it and if possible try to prevent further toll on yourself. Let them do as they choose to and go on with your life. Support them with anything essential (as well as yourself) but trying to change them drastically might just not work until they themselves decide to change.

[oceanebelle]

Oh yes, giving people with addictions some form of hobby is quite effective.
My father stops drinking for the months when he is doing some project like a new couch, fix a car, fix the house... etc. things like that.

But man it is expensive. :'(