Where to Retire

[MartinLiss]

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where......
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!



You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. [Edit: Not so true anymore]
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.



You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. ( ed note: if you have a car)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.



You can retire to Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.



You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.



You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car
2.. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.



You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"



AND You can retire to Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[wossname]

Luton.
1. You've retired, your life is now meaningless, you are a burden to society.

[RobDog888]

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

lol so true!

Why not retire in Bolivia?

[mendhak]

lol so true!

Why not retire in Bolivia?

Retire in Bolivia? Why would anyone want to move in next to you?

[RobDog888]

Retire in Bolivia? Why would anyone want to move in next to you?

Because they want to be next to you too

[Siddharth Rout]

Arggggg!!!!

Imagine staying next to Rob and Mendhak !!!!!!

It's like committing suicide

I rather take my chances with Wossy...

[Hack]

As an individual born, raised and educated in the state of Maine, I need to point out some flaws in the following:

You can retire to Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

1. Since when did Tabasco make the list?
2. Halloween costumes do not fit over parkas...they are made out of parkas
3. I really don't understand the purpose for this entry....doesn't everyone have more than one recipe for moose?
4. Come one now...this is the 21st century...zippers have replaced buttons on the inner flannels. (Buttons are still required on the outer flannels however as zippers would freeze shut.)
5. There is actually only three seasons in Maine: Almost winter, winter, bad snowmobiling.

[crptcblade]

Retire to Philadelphia, where in all likelihood you will be...

1. Shot.

[visualAd]

Retire to a maximum security American prison:

1.
2.
3.

[Arrow_Raider]

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

Is there something wrong with that?

[wossname]

You left it on the bus.

[oceanebelle]

Nobody wants to live beside the amazon river and do some serious fishing?
I hear it's good for peace of mind.

[MaximilianMayrhofer]

Retire to Brooklyn, where in all likelihood you will be...

1. Black.



(No racism implied!)

[MartinLiss]

Retire to Brooklyn, where in all likelihood you will be...

1. Black.



(No racism implied!)

It could have changed and probably has, but according to the 2000 census 41.2% of Brooklynites said they were white and 36.4% said they were black or African American. There are also probably under-reporting issues but it's really not one-sided as you imply.

[MaximilianMayrhofer]

It's not meant to be accurate, just like the joke about Philadelphia. But i'll edit for your sake:

Retire to Brooklyn, where in all likelihood you will be...

1. long to the race that holds majority status as per the most recent census, allowing for errors due to under-reporting.

[dee-u]

You guys can retire here in the Philippines and be forever rich, or at least until you are garbage collected.

[crptcblade]

just like the joke about Philadelphia

Joke?

[Hack]

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

Is there something wrong with that?

Other than being grammatically incorrect, no.

[MaximilianMayrhofer]

Joke?

titillation.