#> Anti-Micro$oft J0kes!!!!

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 25th, 2001, 05:47 PM

Any one wanting to contibute...?

Please feel free

This Thread is not responsible for any damage or harm. For example, if your dog bites you as a result of using this thread, we are NOT responsible. "Microsoft", "Windows", "Internet"; the letters 'M', 'S'; the words "active", "browser", "feature"; and the names "Bill", "Gates", and "Bob" are all trademarks of Microsoft Corporation. No Microsoft products were used in the creation of this Thread

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 25th, 2001, 05:47 PM

Window$ Error$

004 user error, It's your fault
005 this error is reserved for future errors
006 erronerous error, this error is an error
007 no mouse driver installed, right click to continue
008 this error will show up every three seconds untill you buy an upgrade
009 Illegal error you will be prosecuted
010 random error we will now delete a file at random
011 if you do not buy an upgrade in 14 days files will be deleted
012 big error, well don't just sit there
013 there has been a problem
014 virus encountered not sure about what to do

BillBoy Gate$ at Heaven's Gate

Shortly after Bill GateS was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with MicroSoft, but you've also given us Windoze 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between heaven and hell."

"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "Can I have a look at hell first?"

Saint Peter showed his guest a wonderland of sunny beaches, beautiful women, sumptuous food and an ideal climate. "If this is hell," GateS explained, "I want to see heaven."

Saint Peter led the way through billowy clouds filled with angels playing golden harps. "Hmm," GateS pondered. "This is nice, but I think I prefer hell."

Two weeks later, Saint Peter went to check on the billionaire. He found him shackled to a wall, surrounded by shooting flames and tormenting demons. "Saint Peter!" Gate$ cried. "This is awful! This is nothing like the hell I visited. What happened to that other place, the one with the beaches, the beautiful women and the delicious food?"

"Oh, that," Saint Peter replied. "That was just a demo."

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 25th, 2001, 05:53 PM

Is Windozze a Virus?

McAfee-Question : Is Windozze a virus?

No, Windozzes is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windozze does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windozze does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windozze does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windozze does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windozze, too.

Until now it seems Windozze is a virus but there are fundamental differences:Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windozze is not a virus...

It's a bug.

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 25th, 2001, 05:59 PM

Q: How do you make Windozze run faster?
A: Throw it harder!

Q: What's the difference between Windozze 95 and a highly destructive virus?
A: About 90 MB of hard disk space.

Q: Why did BillyBoy Gate$ cross the road?
A: To avoid the Department of Justice.

Q: What do BillBoy Gate$ and Bill Clint0n have in common?
A: Their ratings climb whenever they do something unethical.

**chrisjk** · Apr 25th, 2001, 06:18 PM

Originally posted by cyberwarpy
Q: Why did BillyBoy Gate$ cross the road?
A: To avoid the Department of Justice.

And his mob of loyal "fans".

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 25th, 2001, 06:26 PM

What does "XP" stand-for in "Windoze XP"?

Wait for it.....

Xtremely Pathetic!

**chrisjk** · Apr 25th, 2001, 06:29 PM

I thought it was eX Paperclip...http://www.officeclippy.com/downloads.html

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 25th, 2001, 06:33 PM

Well.. I've just sortned out half my breakfast by having a look at this site:

http://www.billgatesisdead.com/

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 25th, 2001, 06:42 PM

LOL

Q: Why should I upgrade to Window$ 95?

A: Because of the size of Micro$oft, and its influence on the Americana economy, it's crucial that all PC users buy Window$ 95. If this doesn't happen, the dollar will fall further against the yen, unemployment will rise, the deficit will increase, interest rates will skyrocket, the market will crash, and we'll be plunged into another world war. Besides, BillBoy Gate$ says you should.

Q: What about long filenames?

A: Ha ha. Can't believe you fell for this one. Sure you can create long filenames, which are then immediately truncated to an eight character string, for old times sake. When you go to look for your file, the operating system matches a random sampling of letters with the filenames it has stored. Good luck finding your file.

Q: Does Windoze 1295 offer true Multi-Tasking?

A: Yes. It's called Interactive Multi-Tasking, meaning you can go work on other tasks while waiting for your computer to reboot each time Win95 crashes.

Q: What does "32-bit" mean?

A: Colloquially, 2 bits means 25 cents (as in "Shave and a haircut, two bits"). So 32 bits is $4, or the amount it costs Micro$oft to make something for which they'll charge you $89.

Q: Can Windoze 95 really work with only 4 MB of RAM as Micro$oft claims?

A: It's true! However, we caution you not to try to run any programs under this configuration. In fact, it's best if you don't turn the machine on at all!

Q: Why did the Justice Department allow Window$ 95 to ship with access to Micro$oft Network?

A: The Justice Department was mysteriously gifted several million shares of Micro$oft stock by an anonymous donor and now has a stake in Micro$oft's eternal success.

Q: Why would I want to sign up for Micro$oft Network?

A: You won't have a choice. Windoze 95 manipulates your monitor's refresh rate to flash subliminal messages on your screen suggesting that you sign up for M$N. In this hypnotic state, you'll do anything they say. Anything they say. Anything they say...

Q: How do I get support?

A: In anticipation of the flood of customer support calls, Micro$oft has contracted with city agencies across the country for their services. If you need assistance for Win95, just dial 911

Q: But doesn't Windoze 95 come with some cool features, like a trash can on the desktop?

A: Wow!!! How... innovative of them.

Q: Didn't Windoze 95 have another name?

A: Yes it did... Macintosh 89.

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 25th, 2001, 06:45 PM

If Micro$oft Built Cars

A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year,instead of before.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. If you didn't upgrade it you wouldn't be able to drive on the newer roads.
Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
People would get excited about the "new" features in Micro$oft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
We would still be waiting on the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out.
We'd all have to switch to Micro$oft Gas (tm).
Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.
The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
There would be a lot of built-in problem indicators that all say the same thing: "Something is not working right."

**Jareware** · Apr 25th, 2001, 09:58 PM

That last one was funny... although I think I have heard it somewhere before... but it was still very funny. How about this one. I actually think I posted this somewhere before, but anyway:

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A: None, they would just make darkness the new standard.

BTW, a nice idea for a thread

...

-JR-

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 25th, 2001, 10:56 PM

Contributed by LisaG:

Windoze 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Contributed by Nathan_Roberts:

How many Micro$oft programmers does it take to make a truly excellent product?

More!.

Contributed by Starfury:

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Micro$oft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 25th, 2001, 11:14 PM

Here's another funny one...

MICRO$UX TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF "PAL"

REDMOND, Wa - The Micro$ux Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today
as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally
murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the "personalities"
of Micro$ux's latest operating system shell program, Bob. In the small
hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly" coffee-drinking dinosaur,
burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a swath of
destruction throughout the hapless worker's office and into the
accompanying hallway.

The beast was quickly subdued by Micro$ux Campus Security upon failing
to produce a valid Micros$ux keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have
been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently undergoing
psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid
Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things.
Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's touch
and go right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the immensity of what
he's done."

Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide
screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments
before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality, "This is just
terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a little high
strung, but I can't believe he would do something like this. I think we
need to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob Personality group is
under so that another such incident doesn't occur."

A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt to
quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are
examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory hiring
statutes on Micro$ux's part. Micro$ux Leg@l could not be reached for
comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't have him puffing
away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the
market."

Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but
are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the
fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.

MerryVIP · Apr 26th, 2001, 04:37 AM

Lets compare Windows into a gas balloon. When it gets into sky, it gets upper, and when that happens, it gets bigger. And it still rises and gets bigger and bigger. Finally it explodes. But then again, there's another balloon up on the sky.

**Bonker Gudd** · Apr 26th, 2001, 04:51 AM

PHP Code:


          #include "win31.h"

          #include "win95.h"

          #include "win98.h"

          #include "workst~1.h"

          #include "evenmore.h"

          #include "oldstuff.h"

          #include "billrulz.h"

          #include "monopoly.h"

          #define INSTALL = HARD



          char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

          void main()

          {

              while(!CRASHED)

              {

                  display_copyright_message();

                  display_bill_rules_message();

                  do_nothing_loop();

                  if (first_time_installation)

                  {

                      make_50_megabyte_swapfile();

                      do_nothing_loop();

                      totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();

                      search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();

                      make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();

                      disable_Netscape();

                      disable_RealPlayer();

                      disable_Lotus_Products();

                      hang_system();

                  }



                  write_something(anything);

                  display_copyright_message();

                  do_nothing_loop();

                  do_some_stuff();



                  if (still_not_crashed)

                  {

                      display_copyright_message();

                      do_nothing_loop();

                      basically_run_windows_3.1();

                      do_nothing_loop();

                      do_nothing_loop();

                  }

              }



              if (detect_cache())

                  disable_cache();



              if (fast_cpu())

              {

                   set_wait_states(lots);

                   set_mouse(speed, very_slow);

                   set_mouse(action, jumpy);

                   set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);

              }



              /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1");    */

              /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11");   */

              /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95");     */

              /* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */

              /* printf("Welcome to Windows 98");     */

              /* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */

              printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");



              if (system_ok())

                  crash(to_dos_prompt)

              else

                  system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);



              while(something)

              {

                  sleep(5);

                  get_user_input();

                  sleep(5);

                  act_on_user_input();

                  sleep(5);

              }

              create_general_protection_fault();

          }

**Jareware** · Apr 26th, 2001, 05:39 PM

MerryVIP, ya Finnish? Jees nähdä etten ole ainoa suomalainen korpisoturi näillä main

.

And Bonker Gudd, I don't think win2000 sucks. It's actually better than any other OS I've used so far (beats MacOS in stability and Linux (+etc.) in compatability issues), but saying something like that would be in violation of the spirit of this thread

.

-JR-

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 26th, 2001, 06:35 PM

I totally disagree on the fact that Linux could be inferior to Windoze 2000. Linux can actually have the ability to run (emulate) any Windows Operating Systems as a process window in Linux and actually run Win Apps 2x as fast...

The Spirit of the Thread is Anti-Micro$oft. Anything that exploits bad Micro$oft issues is welcome to the thread.

Originally posted by Jareware
MerryVIP, ya Finnish? Jees nähdä etten ole ainoa suomalainen korpisoturi näillä main .

And Bonker Gudd, I don't think win2000 sucks. It's actually better than any other OS I've used so far (beats MacOS in stability and Linux (+etc.) in compatability issues), but saying something like that would be in violation of the spirit of this thread .

-JR-

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 26th, 2001, 06:44 PM

What Does the 98 in Windoze98 Stand For?

The number of floppies on which it will ship.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.
The percentage of existing windoze programs that won't run in the new OS.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
The number of MHz required for the OS to run.
The year it was due to ship.
The number of seconds before it crashes.
BillBoy Gate$' age when it ships.
The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.
The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 26th, 2001, 06:46 PM

Here's another good one

"Micro$ux Windows 95 Stuns World"
Friday August 25 1996 09:31 a.m. EDT

Redmond, Wash [AP] - Fans and detractors of the long-awaited Micro$ux Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the incredible events surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95 has been hailed by industry giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as "the most advanced operating system ever produced." But even he could not have predicted yesterday's events.

It began when peace was declared in Bosnia. Said Ahmad G'Hui, spokesperson for the Serbs, "Now that [Windows 95] has been released, we just don't see any reason to fight each other. This is an amazing product."

Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of nuclear weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries were of utmost import. To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue testing [nuclear weapons]," said Jacques Fenetre of the French government. "The Micro$ux Network (tm) has changed all of that. It's such a small planet!"

On the other side of the "small planet", George Bush and Saddam Hussein met face-to-face for the first time. After a tense greeting, they started sharing notes about their experiences as Windows 95 beta-testers. Soon the two lifelong enemies were laughing and chatting like old friends. In a startling display of candor, Hussein said "If I hadn't been so frustrated with the beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much sooner." Bush laughed and commiserated with Hussein, saying "Well, Saddam, I *told* you it'd be released eventually, all you had to do was wait. Hey! Let's play some FreeCell!"

Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to the new platform. Loggers in the United States' Pacific Northwest turned their axes in for spades after seeing a Micro$ux Video of spotted owls using Windows 95. In an economic shocker, the Peso reversed its downward spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in Acapulco and Mexico City.

On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, MA, reports that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts. "I sat down in front of the computer, pressed 'Start', and felt something odd on my face. When I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!" Even more amazing is the story of Mark Cense, the Los Alamos man who was reported last week as having an incurable, fatal form of cancer. His doctors were amazed yesterday when, after simply buying Windows 95 at the local Computer Universe store, his cancer went into remission.

When asked for a comment on these almost miraculous events, Micro$ux's BillBoy Gate$, recently declared to be the richest man in the United States, replied "If you think *this* is good, just wait until you see Windows 97!"

Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on his returning with "as many copies of Windows 95 as he can carry" are unconfirmed at this time.

**Zevlag** · Apr 27th, 2001, 12:41 AM

These are some of the best.. check em out at:

http://www.progsoc.uts.edu.au/~baitoven/hatems/

Zevlag

**Zevlag** · Apr 27th, 2001, 01:20 AM

I am looking for a poem/story taht I saw somewhere/sometime ago about a programmer who made a bet against the devil to win a Never Ending Donut machine... He like had to write a program that was backwords compatible with evry OS.. it was kinda funny .. wish I could find it.. I searched a round and couldn't see it.. If anyone knows where to find it let me know.. or post it here..

Zevlag

**tumblingdown** · Apr 27th, 2001, 03:14 AM

Originally posted by cyberwarpy
Linux can actually have the ability to run (emulate) any Windows Operating Systems as a process window in Linux and actually run Win Apps 2x as fast...

What a completely pointless sentence.

td.

**ghost ryder** · Apr 27th, 2001, 03:32 AM

wow, u all seem 2 have it in 4 microsoft, i cant blame u though, the scum ran hypocompuglobalmeganet out of business, and he MUST PAY!! (waves big flaming stick in the air)

MerryVIP · Apr 27th, 2001, 05:46 AM

Jereware: Jeps, enkä minäkään ole se toinen ainoa suomalainen. kajeman on suomalainen kans...

Q: Why Bill Gates is a rich man?

A: He co-operates with Satan.

Q: And I thought Bill Gates IS Satan...

A: ...Why are we talking about this?

Q: What?

A: This. Bill Gates thingy.

Q: Because he is right now in contact with your computer.

Dang, I'm bad. Worst possible. Unfunny. Someone kick me.

**Bill Gates** · Apr 27th, 2001, 06:50 AM

**chrisjk** · Apr 27th, 2001, 01:31 PM

Originally posted by ghost ryder
hypocompuglobalmeganet

They have the internet on computers thses days.

I'm not sure what hypocompuglobalmeganet, if anything, does, so rather than risk competing with you, i've decided just to buy you out.

**dimava** · Apr 27th, 2001, 02:06 PM

I had a few good laughs, but you know what guys? if it wasn't for MSFT right now, you would probobly be stuck on a Mac or Linux (or something else) right now. Chances are that you would not be a programmer (like you are today). And if it wasn't for computer programming, many would be unimployed. I aggree that Bill Gates is taking too much advantage over the world, but who wouldn't with his power. Also, if microsoft wasn't as big as it is, all the bugs and everything wouldn't really matter. I have more to post, but i just dont feel like typing a lot right now.

~~~Dimava~~~

**barrk** · Apr 27th, 2001, 02:29 PM

**barrk** · Apr 27th, 2001, 02:30 PM

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and
play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage
in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus
protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of
human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus
1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The
suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional
is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services
sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for
start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install The
package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and
is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After
installation, operation commences.

One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the
session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and
the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern
during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error
encountered. The product needs to be installed each time it is used.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's
potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users
do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

**Jareware** · Apr 27th, 2001, 06:33 PM

Originally posted by chrisjk
They have the internet on computers thses days.

I'm not sure what hypocompuglobalmeganet, if anything, does, so rather than risk competing with you, i've decided just to buy you out.

Oh I loved that episode. And it had the Lord of the Flies takeoff... I actually read that book just a while ago (forced to by school). Was better than I thought, though.

-JR-

**Jareware** · Apr 27th, 2001, 06:37 PM

Originally posted by MerryVIP
Jereware: Jeps, enkä minäkään ole se toinen ainoa suomalainen. kajeman on suomalainen kans...

Enpä ole tavannut täälä. Joo pitänee vaihtaa takaisin englantiin kun tulee muuten muille paha mieli

...

-JR-

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 27th, 2001, 07:13 PM

I thought you were a Dead man!

http://www.billgatesisdead.com

Originally posted by Bill Gates

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 27th, 2001, 07:15 PM

LOL

Originally posted by barrk

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 27th, 2001, 09:36 PM

You forgot to include:

PHP Code:


display_JOIN_MSN_Message();

display_JOIN_AOL_Message();

In every possible loop...

Originally posted by Bonker Gudd

PHP Code:

#include "win31.h" #include "win95.h" #include "win98.h" #include "workst~1.h" #include "evenmore.h" #include "oldstuff.h" #include "billrulz.h" #include "monopoly.h" #define INSTALL = HARD char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; void main() { while(!CRASHED) { display_copyright_message(); display_bill_rules_message(); do_nothing_loop(); if (first_time_installation) { make_50_megabyte_swapfile(); do_nothing_loop(); totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux(); disable_Netscape(); disable_RealPlayer(); disable_Lotus_Products(); hang_system(); } write_something(anything); display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); do_some_stuff(); if (still_not_crashed) { display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); basically_run_windows_3.1(); do_nothing_loop(); do_nothing_loop(); } } if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) { set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); } /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */ /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */ /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */ /* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */ /* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */ /* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */ printf("Welcome to Windows 2000"); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt) else system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); while(something) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); } create_general_protection_fault(); }

scoutt · Apr 28th, 2001, 01:08 AM

I know this has been posted before but this is what it was suppose to be like. The real deal

GM vs. Microsoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry to the car industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon."

In a response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, the water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road map (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Scoutt

**dimava** · Apr 28th, 2001, 09:22 AM

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There 's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it 's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well , I 'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There 's a gnat in my soup!

the check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 29th, 2001, 06:55 PM

There was once was a young man...

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said,

"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Micro$oft, writing error messages.

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 29th, 2001, 06:59 PM

The President of Lotus

The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun! Who does he shoot???

Gates, twice to be sure

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 29th, 2001, 07:02 PM

There was a pilot flying...

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Micro$oft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

**cyberwarpy** · Apr 29th, 2001, 07:12 PM

Barney the Purple Dinosaur and BillBoy Gate$

Are Barney and Bill Gates really one and the same person? What have they in common? The self-satisfied smile? The smart outfits? Their popularity with children and other simple-minded folk? Or something more sinister?

Both are intent on world domination, Bill by monopolising the computer industry, while Barney corrupts the minds of the children with his inane songs. Will we be soon hearing this song from Microsoft?

"I love Bill! Bill loves me!
We're a happy family!
With a great big hit in your wallet, where it counts -
Give us cash in large amounts!"

Thread: #> Anti-Micro$oft J0kes!!!!

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