Just Pure Jokes

[KrishnaSantosh]

Time to show that your are not a nerd. This thread is
dedicated to jokes ( I mean, the nice ones)








<<TAMIL :: KADICHI KODHARI MANUSHANA
KOLLADHINGADA>>

[Warmaster199]

There once was a constipated indian chief. When he noticed he couldn't crap, he went to the nearest doctor.

Doctor: May I help you?
Big Chief: Big Chief no sh*t!
Doctor: Oh... You're constipated. Here, try this liquid and come back tomarrow.

The chief goes home and comes back the next day.

Doctor: Well? How did it go?
Big Chief: Big Chief still no sh*t!
Doctor: Hmmm... The liquid's not working. Keep taking the liquid and try these pills as well. Come back tomarrow.

The chief goes home and comes back the next day.

Doctor: How are you doing? Did it work?
Big Chief: Big Chief still no sh*t! If no work tomarrow, me find another doctor!
Doctor: Hmmm... The liquid and pills aren't working. I think you should stop those. Here! Try these pills! Be careful with those, they are specially formulated and are VERY strong. Well, come back tomarrow...

The chief does not come back tomarrow, but all of the members of the big chief's tribe come instead.

Doctor: May I help you people???
Tribe members: BIG SH*T, NO CHIEF!!!



That is a somewhat older joke.

[anoop007]

Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the
blue, they catch a mermaid -- who begs to be set free, in
return for granting each of them a wish.

One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if
you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."

The mermaid says, "Done."

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and
analyzing what he's recited with great insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple
my I.Q."

The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been
stumping all the great scientists of the world: the
mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends
that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my I.Q."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally
don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but
I really think you should reconsider."

The guy says, "Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times
five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," the mermaid says, "you don't know what you're
asking! It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't
you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?" But
no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having
his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power.
Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."
And he turns into a woman.

[cyberwarpy]

Not really a joke but a common ridicule:

Why are Americans an easy target?

Coz, they are FAT & Wide

[Geoff Gunson]

> This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio

> conversation of a US Naval ship with

> Canadian authorities off the coast of

> Newfoundland in October 1995.

> Radio conversation released by the Chief of

> Naval Operations 10/10/95

>

> AMERICANS: - Please divert your course 15

> degrees to the North to avoid a

> collision.

>

> CANADIANS: - Recommend you divert YOUR course

> 15 degrees to the south to

> avoid collision.

>

> AMERICANS: - This is the Captain of a US Navy

> Ship, I say again, divert YOUR

> course.

>

> CANADIANS: - No. I say again, you divert YOUR

> course.

>

> AMERICANS: - THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS

> LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST

> SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE

> ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE

> DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT

> VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU

> CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE

> FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR

> COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE

> THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

>

> CANADIANS: - This is a lighthouse. Your call

[barrk]

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

Mark Burnett, producer of "Survivor", plans to enlist 12 men who will be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van, six kids (each of whom play two sports and take either a musical instrument or dance class) and no access to fast food.

They must keep the house clean, correct all homework (receiving at least a "C+" on all papers), complete one science project, cook, do laundry, care for dog and cat, grocery shop, birthday present hunt for kids' friends, etc.

Oh, and the also have access to television only when the kids are asleep and all chores are done, and none of the TV's have remotes. Plus they have to shave their legs and wear makeup, which they must apply themselves either
while driving or while making six lunches.

The competitions will consist of such things as attending a PTA meeting and accurately reporting the results; cleaning up after a sick child at 3:00 a.m.; getting kids to church/religious education; making an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and getting a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off. The winner gets to go back to his job.

[Active]

Originally posted by Geoff Gunson
> This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio

> conversation of a US Naval ship with
........
........
> Canadian authorities off the coast of
> CANADIANS: - This is a lighthouse. Your call

ROFL

[SurfDemon]

There are three types of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't!

SD

[parksie]

You get used to living at a nudist camp. The first few days are the hardest.

[barrk]

A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural
geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being
the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a
large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One
member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe
damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure;
subsequently the second member of the team performed a self
rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken
by the first team member.

[CiberTHuG]

I love this joke, because... well... c'est si vrai.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer scientist were in a car, rolling down a hill. The brakes gave out as the car hurled toward a cliff. Fortunately it stopped in time, and all three got out of the car to inspect it.

The engineer spoke first. "I think I can fix this."

"No, I think we should take it to town," the mathematican replied.

The computer scientist shrugged and said, "Why don't we just get in it and see if it does it again?"

[Active]

Dear Abby -
I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I am facing.
You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft's Customer Service Division.
My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.
The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.
To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake-Aztec-souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.
But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them.
In your opinion, Abby:
Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my cousin who works for Microsoft Customer Service?

[marnitzg]

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO
SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK

Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like.
Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com)

Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus
Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread
by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the
program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through
Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said
Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save
millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite
naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by
Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By
eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently
appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has
been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna
Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden
University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as
scientists, we are trained to be sceptical of any finding that flies in the
face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk
sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, are equally sceptical, insisting that
Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually
impervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch
if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth. Such an
admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec
virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the
study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the
foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft
Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've
thought?"

[marnitzg]

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went: "Well ya see Norm, it's like
this....A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as
a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same
way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but
naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel
smarter after a few beers."

[Active]

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"

[SurfDemon]

Just to let ya's all know, there's been a terrible accident in Ireland. A light plane has crashed into a graveyard, so far searchers have recovered over 1,000 bodies from the wreakage

[Active]

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

• Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
• Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
• The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
• The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
• To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
• The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
• A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
• The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
• The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
• To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
• To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
• Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
• Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
• Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
• A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
• The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
• The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
• Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
• An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
• We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
• English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
• By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
• If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
• Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
• Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
• A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
• A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
• A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
• The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
• When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
• It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
• Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
• For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
• For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
• For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
• For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
• For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
• To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
• For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
• For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
• For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
• Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
• Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
• When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
• When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

[Active]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

[SurfDemon]

Originally posted by Active
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

Brilliant I snorted half my lunch out of my nose I was laughing so much.

SD

[barrk]

Originally posted by SurfDemon


I snorted half my lunch out of my nose I was laughing so much.

SD

That's the best joke yet!!

[barrk]

How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?
---------------------------------------

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails
means you try the next one." Kally, age 9

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who
you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10


Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
----------------------------------------

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then!" Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get
married!" Freddie, age 6


How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?
---------------------------------------------------

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids." Derrick, age 8


What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
---------------------------------------------------

"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8


What Do Most People Do on a Date?
---------------------------------

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
I know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough." Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10


What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour
----------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9


When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
--------------------------------
"When they're rich!" Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8


The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
-------------------------------------------------------

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ...
I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
grossed out!" Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want
to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure
something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over
for some coffee and diaper- changing." Kirsten, age 10


What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?
---------------------------------------------------------------

"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins ... I
got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married,
anyway?'" Craig, age 9


What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?
--------------------------------------------------------------

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and
diseases together." Marlon, age 10


How to Make a Marriage Work
----------------------------


"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck!" Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few
diamonds on it." Lori, age 8


Getting Married for a Second Time
---------------------------------

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to
find a live one." Angie L., age 10


How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?
--------------------------------------------------------------

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after
us just the same as they do now!" Roberta, age 7

[anoop007]

A freindly conversation between President Bush and Gen. Castro
George Bush : I love to collect jokes made about myself
Fidel Castro : I love to collect people who makes jokes about myself!

[chenko]

All good guys!!

Anoop, your Avitari link dont work?

[anoop007]

Site Down For Maintanence.. hehe

I am going now.. see you later Simon..

[Active]

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6

LOL..at 6 this kid has a lot of Insight !

[anoop007]

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd
numbered lines.

[Static]

What did the man say after he walked into the bar?

OUCH!

-------------------------------------------

a Jew, an Italian, and a Gay man all die in a wreck.
Standing in front of satan they all beg for another chance. Being in a good mood that day satan decides to let them return but with 1 condition.
He goes to the Jew, "You will not be allowed to pcik up money from the street"
"Ok..Anything" replies the Jew
to the Italian, "No PIZZA ...Ever Again!"
"oooo!..well alright", says the Italian.
and to the Gay man, "No A**L sex anymore"
"!!! GEEZ!...well If I have to", says the gay
POOF!
they are all back on earth and walking down the street, happy to be alive again...till they come across a pizza shop. The Italian cant stand it and heads into the shop.
POOF! he goes back to hell.
The Jew and the Gay continued walking...
Till the Jew spotted a Quarter!! "A QUARTER!" He says.
after a brief INternal struggle, he Bends over to pick up the quarter and POOF!!
They BOTH are sent back to hell

[barrk]

First Grade.....true story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read,...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full
of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what
do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said,
"I think he said 'Holy S*#!! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to
teach for the next 10 minutes

[parksie]

Why couldn't she teach? I'd be pissing myself laughing at a little kid saying that

Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
"Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
some new underwear.
The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
"No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."

[denniswrenn]

[barrk]

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

[Good Dreams]

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