cccc-especially to cheer active up

[zmerlinz]

here are some more of my jokes, i hope you like them

Etch-A-Sketch FAQ:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

[zmerlinz]

God and Programming:

Some important theological questions are answered if we think of GOD as a computer programmer.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnight job.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack senseless features onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question. Abort, Retry, Fail?

[zmerlinz]

Hong Kong Subtitles:
The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:

I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
Take my advice, or I'll spank you.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
I have been scared silly too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person.
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken

should keep you going

[zmerlinz]

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

Someone get the janitor...we're going to need a clean up
Bo Bo..Bad dog!!! Come back with that!!!!
Wait a minute, if this is the spleen, then what is that?
Hand me that..uh...uh...that thingie
Better save that, we'll need it for the autopsy
Has anyone seen my Rolex?
Darn! There goes the lights again.
You know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got 2 of them
Could you stop that thing from beating..It's throwing my concentration off.
What's that doing in here?
That's cool..now can you make the leg twitch?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
Can you take a picture from this angle? This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient already has kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donor card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
Darn! Page 49 of the manual is missing!

[Active]

Originally posted by zmerlinz
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant

Funny !

[Active]

While the Surgery is nearing it's Completion :

"Did the doctor finally arrive ?"

[zmerlinz]

i like that one, glad they made you laugh

[parksie]

Funny stuff

Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"

[parksie]

Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
you?".
The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
"Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
you like me to put it on your bill?"
Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"

[parksie]

A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
German Air Force.
He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".

[zmerlinz]

i like that one a lot

[parksie]

"Yeah, I used to be into necrophelia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
realized I was just flogging a dead horse."