Joke Thread

[chenko]

Basically what the heading suggests...

A woman walks into the doctors office and says, "Doctor I hurt all over."

The doctor says, "that's impossible."

"No really! Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts." she replies.

The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?"

The woman smiles and says, "Why yes I am. How did you know?"

The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

Dononvan gets a call in the middle of the night from his girlfriend Melissa, the blonde.

"I'm working on this jigsaw puzzle, and I can't get any of the pieces to fit together," she moans.

"What's the picture of?" he asks.

"It's a big rooster", she replies.

Thinking he may be in for some lovin', Donovan heads over to her house. When he gets there, Melissa leads him into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle and the box with the rooster.

"See?" she says. "The pieces don't fit together."

"For God's sake," he answers. "Put the cornflakes back in the box!"

Three blondes are driving to Disneyland. After four hours on the road, they see a sign that says DISNEYLAND LEFT. So they turn around and go home.




Two blondes were seen in a parking lot trying to unlock their car with a coathanger...
The first blonde says, "I can't get the door unlocked!!!"
The second blonde says, "Well you better hurry-up, It's starting to rain and the top is down!!"

Yo momma is like a door handle, everyone gets a turn!

Yo mamma's like a bowling ball, she gets picked up, fingered and thrown back into the gutter.

Your momma is like a race car, she burns out 4 rubbers a day!

Yo mum is like a vaccuum, she cleans, she sucks, she blows and gets laid in the closet!!

Windows 2000 Error Messages

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Is there really any difference between women and computers?

Well, computers will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.



What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ?

"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"


Why are Computers Female?

Reason #5: Not even their creator can understand their logic.
Reason #4: Even if you make a tiny mistake it is saved to their memory for future reference.
Reason #3: The language they use to talk to other computers makes absolutely no sense to anyone else!
Reason #2: The message, "Bad command or filename," is around the same as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you then I am definitely not going to tell you!"
Reason #1: If you make a commitment to one, you will find yourself spending half of your money on different accessories for it.

Shane invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Shane's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Shane and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Shane and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Shane volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Kerry and I are just rommates."

About a week later, Kerry came to Shane and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle."

"You don't suppose she took it, do you? " Shane said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a email just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you didn't take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Later in the day Shane received an email from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Kerry, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Kerry. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Lesson of the day: Don't Lie To Your Mother

Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God... And what about uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

Signs You've Got a Bad Pilot

10.You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Carlos, What's this gizmo do?"
9. For the past three hours, you've been going straight up
8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 50 feet"
7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
6. When you take off he yells, "YIPPEEDEEDOODAH!"
5. At some point he announces, "Screw Antlanta, Let's go find that Mars observer!"
4. He's wearing a Taco Bell uniform
3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

Weird Warnings

These are real warnings and/or instructions that were found on actual products

1. PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body

2. BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery

3. NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness

4. A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning keep out of children

5. A STRING OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only.

6. A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use

7. SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts

8. AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

9. A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

10. A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Top 10 Worst Pick-UP Lines:

10. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

9. You know you remind me of a baseball, 'cause I wanna hit it.

8. Can I get some fries to go with that shake?

7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's have sex.

6. As of today, I'm rash-free.

5. If I were a squirrel and you were a tree, could I bust a nut inyour hole?

4. Do you wash your clothes in Windex? (Reply: "No, why?") Because I can see myself in your pants.

3. Hi, my name is (insert name here). Remember that, since you'll be screaming it tonight.

2. How do you like your eggs in the morning? Sunny side up, scrambled or fertilized?

1. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the cash?

Top 10 Stupid Questions Without Answers.

10. What do chickens think we taste like?
9. What do people in China call their good plates?
8. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man
7. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
6. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
5. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
4. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
3. If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
2. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Top 10 Sexually Suggestive Lines In Star Wars

10. 'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'
9. 'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'
8. 'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'
7. 'You've got something jammed in here real good.'
6. 'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'
5. 'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'
4. 'Sorry about the mess...'
3. 'Look at the size of that thing!'
2. 'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'
1. 'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

A 40-year-old man goes up to a female clerk at a drugstore. "I need some condoms, but I don't know what size I am," he says.

So the woman tells him to pull down his pants. She grabs his healthy wang and tells him he's a large.

Later a 25-year-old guy comes in asking the same question. He pulls his pants down, and she grabs his healthy hog and tells him he's a medium.

Then an 18-year-old walks in looking for condoms. He pulls down his pants. The woman takes hold on his dong, then grabs the intercom mike and shouts, "Clean up in aisle seven!"




A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a *****...AND a brain?"

[CyberSurfer]

Simon, you should be ashamed of yourself for telling that last joke!

I know but it was funny, i dont really want any female attacking me for being sexist, nes ways why not put some of your own up.

[CyberSurfer]

Ummmm.....<hides away in humuorless embarresment>

<stand up and laughs@Jon> hehe i will get a few more jokes leter

[Jeff_1]

Did you hear the one about the guy who called the bowling alley to see how big there balls are?

What do you call a drive by in chinatown??
Cap-a-chino


A dumb blonde walked in on here husband having sex with another woman...so the dumb blonde goes into another room and gets a gun and comes back into the bedroom and puts the gun to her head..and as she is about to pull the trigger..her husband screams "HONEY NOOOOOOO!!!" and she stops and says "Dont worry youre next"


A married couple was at home watching tv and all of the sudden the light in the hallway went out..and the wife said "honey..can you fix that?" and the husband says "what do i look like General Electric fix it yourself!"
so the woman gets upset and goes to the kitchen to get something out of the refrigerator..and then the refrigerator goes out and she says "honey can you fix the fridge?" and the husband says "what do i look like fridgeidare? fix it yourself!" and she gets upset and goes to the back porch outside...and one of the steps break..and she asks her husband "Honey can you fix the step?" and the husband says "what do i look like a ace hardware store fix it yourself" ..so then the husband goes to a local bar for a drink..so he sits there thinking..and he starts to feel guilty for being an ass with his wife..so he goes home to help her...then when he gets hoem he notices the backporch step is fixed..and then he goes to the freidge to get a beer..and the frigde is fixed as well...and then he notices the light in the hallway works again..then he sees his wife and asks "honey who fixed all these things?" and she said "Well...after you left i sat out on the front porch and cried my eyes out..and this young handsome man came to me and asked what is wrong? so i told him about the light, fridge, and back porch step..so he said "I wll fix all those things ..and you can repay me by one of two things....either wild sex..or bake me a cake" and the husband says "So what kind of cake did you bake him?" and she says "What do i look like a ****ing baker?? i he ****ed my brains out!!"

hehe

[parksie]

dyke, n:
A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own tampons.

"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson

"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."

[*Super Sniper*]

Hey, chenko. I know the answer to question 5 of your Top 10 Stupid Questions Without Answers.

5. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

The answer is: It isn't open for 1/4 of a day a year or 1 day every 4 years (leap years). I think you might wish to fix this joke.

"Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything."
-excerpt from 'Why its great to be a Guy'