A girl problem that is worse than death

[Jacob Roman]

I've been together with my girlfriend, Sarah, for nearly three years (would be three if it's Febuary). We had the best relationship ever. I done more for her than any boyfriend would ever do for her, and loved her like no other. A few months ago, she finds a new best friend named CJ, who's a lesbian. Sarah decides to move in with her to get out of her mom's apartment and out into the real world. CJ lives in a hotel by the way with two other roomates who are guys (not gay of course), but just friends with CJ. Those friends later got kicked out permanently by CJ a month ago. She's the kind of girl that orders people around, telling people what to do or else they'll suffer the consequences. I noticed Sarah was scared to say or do things that CJ wouldn't want to do, knowing right away something is up. She hardly came to my house, unless she needed rent money since she was unemployed. She hardly called. She wouldn't let me call CJ's cell phone because she said CJ said so, which by the way was the only way we could communicate. And she wouldn't let me come visit her at the hotel because she said CJ told her not for me to come. Just recently 2 days before Christmas (12/23/04), my girlfriend, Sarah, just broke up with me and told me that she was gay...around Christmas of all days! . She also said that she's been cheating on me for the past few months. I never was so miserable in my life. She came over the next day with CJ to get her christmas gifts and say good bye. When she hugged me, she whispered into my ear saying "I love you", even though we broke up. Now I'm supposed to give her time and space before we can be friends. CJ I know for a fact has her by the leash and manipulated her in some way. I tried calling the next couple of days, even on Christmas day, and she changed big time. She was yelling at me on the phone saying "We....are....not....together....anymore...[click]!!!" Man I can't sleep, I can't eat, I think of Sarah all the time. And I really want her back. When I got back to work a couple of days later, I was so depressed, that my boss was asking me if there was a problem. I discussed the problem, and he gave me hope saying things like this: This situation would be like opening a cage and setting a bird free. If the bird comes back, then it was ment to be. So what should I do? I can't kidnap Sarah or anything. And I have a feeling that CJ talked (or forced) Sarah into breaking up with me.

[SteveCRM]

well if she thinks she's really gay then I doubt theres much you can do...I wouldn't try to "turn her back"...unless you knew she was just trying some stuff out.

[Pc_Madness]

Whoa, that sucks majorly.

[Jacob Roman]

I edited it some more.

[Pc_Madness]

I don't think theres anything you can do, shes an adult, if she wants to make stupid decisions, then thats her fault I guess. :\

[Jacob Roman]

I've done more for Sarah than CJ could ever do. I'll give her the time and space she needs, but I hope she'll realize what a huge mistake she is making. CJ's a bad influence and too controling.

[SteveCRM]

I don't know these people but if you ask me it sounds like she won't be happy. The CJ person will probably push her around a bit and just like any relationship they'll break up...then she'll really be confused and who knows

[Jacob Roman]

I don't think she has a choice but to take her orders. If she doesn't, she is out on the street. Sarah's vehicle is broken down too.

[NotLKH]

...CJ lives in a hotel by the way with two other roomates who are guys (not gay of course), but just friends with CJ. Those friends later got kicked out permanently by CJ a month ago. ....

Hmmm.
Not that this would help any, but perhaps you could start collecting info about this CJ individual, perhaps starting with these 2 guys?

Does she have any dirty laundry?
Does she get into trouble with the law at all, or would she if certain info got into the right hands of the PD?

[Xcoder]

You know there was a problem when she moved in with her, being a lesbian!, and then it only got to the next step when CJ didnt want you to come over to their place or to call, that was the strategy to put you out of the picture.

She is obviously being manipulated by this woman, and you should know if your girlfriend is in fact a lesbian or just impressed by this CJ and was talked into switching boats.

I personally think was the second thing because you say she was afraid of CJ's reactions most of the time, she probably feels protected around her. If she doesnt know much of the real world, time will teach her a couple of things and if she's smart she will figure out by herself what she wants and stop experimenting.

Cheer up mate, go out and take time to be with your friends and family, meet new people.

[NotLKH]

It almost sounds like CJ is a cult leader.

[Jacob Roman]

What's worse is that they went to Sarah's Mom's house and told her mom that she broke up with me and was gay on Christmas day. After I talked to her mom on the phone, she was playing dumb and wasn't showing how she really felt about all of this and just agreeing with everything I was saying. Any normal mother would have been furious and would have done something about it. I also know that Sarah is sometimes afraid to show her true feelings. And being around CJ and all...well you get the picture.

Oh I forgot to mention that Sarah was my fiancee too.

[Jacob Roman]

Put yourself in my shoes trying to sleep every night. You begin thinking what they are doing at the hotel every night.

[MasterBlaster]

Your better off man. You're just lucky you found out before you were married. Otherwise she and her girlfriend would be sitting in that hotel room with half of your stuff and cashing your alimony check every month.

[MasterBlaster]

Oh yeah, I forgot. There is no girl problem that is worse than death. Knock that stoopid sheit death talk off. Death sucks. It sucks even worse if you're the one dying. Make it up to yourself by finding a good woman and living a long happy BJ filled life with her.

[blnoble]

It almost sounds like CJ is a cult leader.

I can agree, this CJ girl reeks of cult. But that is beside the point....

I can feel your pain. Five years ago, my ex-fiancee took a trip to France only to return with a Dear John letter and full responsibility for the house payment. It was only later that I found out about her sexual orientation switch.

It took me a long time to heal from that ordeal. Here are some things that got me through, and they might help you too.

1. Don't blame yourself. This is possibly the worst thing you can do. Likely, you had very little to do with why she left. It was her insecurities that caused her to do the things she did (as far as the cheating bit) and her gullibility to be controlled by another person. You had nothing to do with it. Be proud that your were a good person in the relationship, you will have a lot to offer another woman in the future.

2. Don't tell yourself that you "turned" her. Baaaad mistake. I beat myself up for months after I found out, bludgeoning my ego into a nearly non-existent state. This does much more harm than good, and doesn't solve anything.

3. Don't try to "turn" her back. Sexual orientation is a funny thing. A lot of people think its against god's plan, others think its a natural part of life. Whatever your view, trying to turn her back will likely hurt her even if it does seem to work. Either way, you probably won't have a good relationship with her.

4. Don't blame anyone else for "turning" her. Actually, you can do this. It's perfectly healthy if it just stays in your head. It get unhealthy when you call up the person and yell at them, or get drunk and throw stuff at their apartment window. Don't do this.

5. Do get out some. Go out, have a drink, get it off your chest. Share your misery with others as long as it doesn't turn into dwelling. The more you talk (and the less you dwell), you start healing.

6. Do code a bunch. For me, doing stuff I enjoy often filled up the void parts for a while. I wasn't coding then, but doing complex algorithms certainly helped get my mind off things.

7. Don't give up. You seem like a great person. Just remember that no matter what, you can pick yourself up and continue. The human brain is amazing for its resilience, and as long as you can convince yourself to go on - you can. Hang in there.

[crptcblade]

[blnoble]

...sorry - forgot to mention....

Since my ex-fiancee decided to leave, I've found the strength to go back to college, start a new job, and get on with my life. I am soon to be happily married in the fall next year, and will finally graduate in May. You will move on, and things will get better.

You can PM me if you want to talk more...

Peace-out

[Jacob Roman]

After all I have witnessed and found out on how CJ is, there might be a possibility that Sarah turned gay anyways. It's called Personal Responsibility. I've also noticed that no matter what I have done for her recently, I'm hardly or never apprecieated for it, even if I work hard at the nice things I have done for her. She needs to grow up and realize everything I've ever done for her and realize that what she is doing is wrong. It is immoral and self-centered to cheat on the ones you love with the same sex and break up with that person they once loved around Christmas, without caring or worring on how the other person would feel afterwards. I feel like I'm going insane. I may get over it, but still what we had in the past before CJ came along was "True Love." All my attempts of my love, my care, my compasion, my forgiveness, my sensitivity, and doing all sorts of nice things, etc., was all for nothing. Now all this is just a permanent scar in my memories.

[Jacob Roman]

Oh and I see that some people can relate. Sorry to hear about that blnoble. But I'm glad you are getting married to someone else who is special.

[blnoble]

All my attempts of my love, my care, my compasion, my forgiveness, my sensitivity, and doing all sorts of nice things, etc., was all for nothing. Now all this is just a permanent scar in my memories.

It may be a scar, but it makes you who you are. None of us can change the past, but we can use it for the future. Hang on to the good memories (I know they are there if you loved her). You memories prove that love is possible, and if you can love once, you can love again. Any caring or compassion, forgiveness or sensitivity is never lost - even if it is toward your worst enemy. They all define who you are. Humble, sincere, and caring people are scarce in this world - you have a lot to offer someone who will recognize that.

Cmon now. I have all this hope and I'm an atheist! That has to count for something.

[Jacob Roman]

Yeah I see what ya mean.

So your an atheist ehy? I'm a Christian myself but I don't believe that Jesus is God like they do. I believe that Jesus is the son of God. But that's all off topic and I don't want a thread hijack (or change of topic) to something as depressing as this .

[ice_531]

Would you really want her back after what she's done to you?

It seems kind of cheap in my eyes, that she can leave you and try other things then come running back like nothing happened.

My ex and I had a "similiar" situation. She cheated on me, we broke up, she wanted me back, i said no. I have yet to talk to her in a year now.

It was hard for the first few months ( about 5 ) ..but in the long run im glad i didn't take her back.

[Jacob Roman]

I'm willing to forgive and forget since I was, or actually still am deeply in love with her. It seems that she maybe going through a phase (that's if she's not being controlled by CJ). But if she does want me back later on, I'm willing to forgive her and have a long freakin talk before concidering going back out with her.

[dglienna]

I'd wait it out. Time will tell you what the future holds. Don't try to rush her. She may figure out how useful you have been. I'd help her one more time if she asks, but that would be it.
Odds are that she'll be back.

[Pc_Madness]

Isn't that just sending a bad message that she can treat you like crap and get away with it?

[crptcblade]

Isn't that just sending a bad message that she can treat you like crap and get away with it?

That's why when she comes back, he should start beating her.

Nothing puts people in their place like a good beating.

[Jacob Roman]

I don't hit girls . Let's face it. My life is over

[Jacob Roman]

Isn't that just sending a bad message that she can treat you like crap and get away with it?

That's some of what that long talk will be about. That and a hundred other things.

[ice_531]

i agree with ghandi on this one.

Beat her.

You'll feel better, she'll feel better, and maybe CJ will too.






p.s. ( don't really beat her because i said so, do it on your own free will )

[blnoble]

I'm a Christian myself...

I don't think it's off topic at all. That is something that you can find peace and solace in. That is what god is there for.

[blnoble]

Nothing puts people in their place like a good beating.

While fun, I don't think a good beating is going to help in this case. Seems to be against his character anyway...

[dglienna]

nah, she might see the error of her ways, and make it up to you, somehow.
If she thinks the grass is greener, which she obviously does, then, her expectations will be high. As soon as something goes awry, she'll consider her other options. Thats why I encourage an act of kindness, once, and only once. If she remains set in her way, even after that, then she will only be hurting herself. I think that she'd come back begging for help, and ask you to help her, and use that as a test.

Give her a chance. A good woman is hard to find.

[Jacob Roman]

nah, she might see the error of her ways, and make it up to you, somehow.
If she thinks the grass is greener, which she obviously does, then, her expectations will be high. As soon as something goes awry, she'll consider her other options. Thats why I encourage an act of kindness, once, and only once. If she remains set in her way, even after that, then she will only be hurting herself. I think that she'd come back begging for help, and ask you to help her, and use that as a test.

Give her a chance. A good woman is hard to find.

Thanks for the advice. Only it's gonna be difficult now that she is gay. If she has a problem with CJ, chances are that she may find another woman rather than going back to me. You can't just switch sexes and then switch back. She's not the perfect woman, but I still have feelings for her. Kinda like family. I'm making out a list of problems she has though from the top of my head. Here are some of the problems that she has:

• She's shy.
• She's irresponsible.
• She's immature.
• She's self-centered.
• She's a slob. Can't even keep her room clean.
• She needs to grow up.
• She's afraid to stand up to CJ.
• She's hardly sociable with others unless it's friends/family.
• She's no lady. (And I'm saying that because she has no manners, no respect, doesn't wear lady like clothes such as dresses, etc.)
• She's fat. (Didn't care though because I was in love with her)
• She's lazy.
• She can't even stick with a job or even try to find a full time job. Her excuse is that she'll take what she gets. I tell her she needs to raise her standards and not say things like that or she will never get a full time job.
  Also there was an 8 month gap between the time she was unemployed until she found another partime job, only it was $6.50 and hour 18 hours a week. She only lasted two weeks.
• She lately hasn't appreciated anything I've done for her.
• She's into tatoos and piercings. (Can't get a decent career wearing such things. Especially when they are very noticable to the employers.)
• She has no ambition. Not even enough ambition to goto college.
• She has A.D.D.
• All she wanted most of the time was sex. (Sounds good for a lot of guys but this is a problem once you think about it. This problem became an even bigger problem when CJ came along because she hardly was communicating with me and hardly coming over unless she needed something and I had a hard time getting a hold of her and couldn't come over.)
• She has a hard time expressing her true emotions.
• She has been using me lately for rent/food/gas money.
• She's been cheating on me.
• Whenever she comes over to my house, she doesn't talk to my family and just goes into my room. She also hates my family for some unknown reason.
• She doesn't respect her own mother.
• She's a loser.
• She's obviously not that smart.
• She's now gay.

And I still loved her deeply even after all of this. That shows how strong my love for her was. The more I was able to put up with, the more I loved her. And I still do and all, with me also caring and worrying about her well being, but like I said in one of her problems, she needs to grow up. She also needs to open her eyes and realize what a grave mistake she is making. I only hope that in the near future after her time and space has been fullfilled between us, that we can just be best friends at least.

Also note that Sarah isn't the only one unemployed. CJ doesn't have a job either. CJ get's $600 a month though child support from her dad till she's 21. I still don't get why Sarah is even with her. I make more than double of what CJ makes with a fulltime job (production welding 10 hours a day 4 days a week making $10.60 an hour plus weekly bonuses.) that has benefits (not to mention my 401k) plus I'm in college majoring in Computer Programming. CJ doesn't even have a high school diploma. Sarah at least has a G.E.D. So I guess that makes them losers for life.

[crptcblade]

• She's irresponsible.
• She's immature.
• She's self-centered.
• She's a slob. Can't even keep her room clean.
• She needs to grow up.
• She's afraid to stand up to CJ.
• She's hardly sociable with others unless it's friends/family.
• She's no lady. (And I'm saying that because she has no manners, no respect, doesn't wear lady like clothes such as dresses, etc.)
• She's fat. (Didn't care though because I was in love with her)
• She's lazy.
• She can't even stick with a job or even try to find a full time job. Her excuse is that she'll take what she gets. I tell her she needs to raise her standards and not say things like that or she will never get a full time job.
  Also there was an 8 month gap between the time she was unemployed until she found another partime job, only it was $6.50 and hour 18 hours a week. She only lasted two weeks.
• She lately hasn't appreciated anything I've done for her.
• She's into tatoos and piercings. (Can't get a decent career wearing such things. Especially when they are very noticable to the employers.)
• She has no ambition. Not even enough ambition to goto college.
• She has A.D.D.
• All she wanted most of the time was sex. (Sounds good for a lot of guys but this is a problem once you think about it. This problem became an even bigger problem when CJ came along because she hardly was communicating with me and hardly coming over unless she needed something and I had a hard time getting a hold of her and couldn't come over.)
• She has a hard time expressing her true emotions.
• She has been using me lately for rent/food/gas money.
• She's been cheating on me.
• Whenever she comes over to my house, she doesn't talk to my family and just goes into my room. She also hates my family for some unknown reason.
• She doesn't respect her own mother.
• She's a loser.
• She's obviously not that smart.
• She's now gay.

And you let her get away...

[rdove]

• She's shy.
• She's irresponsible.
• She's immature.
• She's self-centered.
• She's a slob. Can't even keep her room clean.
• She needs to grow up.
• She's afraid to stand up to CJ.
• She's hardly sociable with others unless it's friends/family.
• She's no lady. (And I'm saying that because she has no manners, no respect, doesn't wear lady like clothes such as dresses, etc.)
• She's fat. (Didn't care though because I was in love with her)
• She's lazy.
• She can't even stick with a job or even try to find a full time job. Her excuse is that she'll take what she gets. I tell her she needs to raise her standards and not say things like that or she will never get a full time job.
  Also there was an 8 month gap between the time she was unemployed until she found another partime job, only it was $6.50 and hour 18 hours a week. She only lasted two weeks.
• She lately hasn't appreciated anything I've done for her.
• She's into tatoos and piercings. (Can't get a decent career wearing such things. Especially when they are very noticable to the employers.)
• She has no ambition. Not even enough ambition to goto college.
• She has A.D.D.
• All she wanted most of the time was sex. (Sounds good for a lot of guys but this is a problem once you think about it. This problem became an even bigger problem when CJ came along because she hardly was communicating with me and hardly coming over unless she needed something and I had a hard time getting a hold of her and couldn't come over.)
• She has a hard time expressing her true emotions.
• She has been using me lately for rent/food/gas money.
• She's been cheating on me.
• Whenever she comes over to my house, she doesn't talk to my family and just goes into my room. She also hates my family for some unknown reason.
• She doesn't respect her own mother.
• She's a loser.
• She's obviously not that smart.
• She's now gay.

OMG...you put up with that crap. Well...I would have drop her after a week and actually not even that because you can tell a lot about a person from talking to them. I would have seen straight through her ad it would have stopped right there.

Trust me man, you are much better off. You don't want to be dealing with those types of qualities th rest of your life.

[mudfish]

Just do this

wave good bye

And tell CJ good lick with her!

You are so better off with out all that crap!

[visualAd]

You've been stung my friend, you've been stung bad. You have let a women take advantage of your kind, good natured ways. Ask yourself? Did you let all these problems she have pass becuase you loved her? In a way this is partly your fault, you may have let her become those things, part of your repsonsibllilty to her was to ensure that she kept on the striaght and narrow. in the same breath I'm also going to say, don't blame yourself, relationships are the hardest of things to keep good and 90% don't work out, it seems the problem there was 100% effort on your part and 0% effort on her's, your only mistake was to keep putting 100% in.

I've been there, used for sex, money and as prop, its clear that all has not been right for sometime and love being as love is, is blind and you were not to see that. Don't let this dishearten you, you have good qualities, so learn from this and make sure you only pamper the ones who care for you as you care for them. Contradictory to what everyone else is saying don't give her another chance unless she invests her time and comintment in proving to you that she is worthy of you, if you just let her come back again, she'll be lured into a sense that you are just there when she needs you until she finds someone of something better.

So, why has she left you? The issue here is not her sexuality, she probably felt trapped, you could only do right by her, that meant the only way she could escape was doing wrong by you. In short, what you had wasn't real. Real love is implicit, its give an take, mutual and it survives all.

Keep searching my friend, there's sure to be someone out there for you who will birhgren your light. And think of this as a good thing not a bad thing, you were engaged, it could have been a lot worse. Everything happens for a reason.

[System_Error]

Go after both of those women. See of you can't get two for the price of one.

[MartinLiss]

Thanks for the advice. Only it's gonna be difficult now that she is gay. If she has a problem with CJ, chances are that she may find another woman rather than going back to me. You can't just switch sexes and then switch back. She's not the perfect woman, but I still have feelings for her. Kinda like family. I'm making out a list of problems she has though from the top of my head. Here are some of the problems that she has:

• She's shy.
• She's irresponsible.
• She's immature.
• She's self-centered.
• She's a slob. Can't even keep her room clean.
• She needs to grow up.
• She's afraid to stand up to CJ.
• She's hardly sociable with others unless it's friends/family.
• She's no lady. (And I'm saying that because she has no manners, no respect, doesn't wear lady like clothes such as dresses, etc.)
• She's fat. (Didn't care though because I was in love with her)
• She's lazy.
• She can't even stick with a job or even try to find a full time job. Her excuse is that she'll take what she gets. I tell her she needs to raise her standards and not say things like that or she will never get a full time job.
  Also there was an 8 month gap between the time she was unemployed until she found another partime job, only it was $6.50 and hour 18 hours a week. She only lasted two weeks.
• She lately hasn't appreciated anything I've done for her.
• She's into tatoos and piercings. (Can't get a decent career wearing such things. Especially when they are very noticable to the employers.)
• She has no ambition. Not even enough ambition to goto college.
• She has A.D.D.
• All she wanted most of the time was sex. (Sounds good for a lot of guys but this is a problem once you think about it. This problem became an even bigger problem when CJ came along because she hardly was communicating with me and hardly coming over unless she needed something and I had a hard time getting a hold of her and couldn't come over.)
• She has a hard time expressing her true emotions.
• She has been using me lately for rent/food/gas money.
• She's been cheating on me.
• Whenever she comes over to my house, she doesn't talk to my family and just goes into my room. She also hates my family for some unknown reason.
• She doesn't respect her own mother.
• She's a loser.
• She's obviously not that smart.
• She's now gay.

And I still loved her deeply even after all of this. That shows how strong my love for her was. The more I was able to put up with, the more I loved her. And I still do and all, with me also caring and worrying about her well being, but like I said in one of her problems, she needs to grow up. She also needs to open her eyes and realize what a grave mistake she is making. I only hope that in the near future after her time and space has been fullfilled between us, that we can just be best friends at least.

Also note that Sarah isn't the only one unemployed. CJ doesn't have a job either. CJ get's $600 a month though child support from her dad till she's 21. I still don't get why Sarah is even with her. I make more than double of what CJ makes with a fulltime job (production welding 10 hours a day 4 days a week making $10.60 an hour plus weekly bonuses.) that has benefits (not to mention my 401k) plus I'm in college majoring in Computer Programming. CJ doesn't even have a high school diploma. Sarah at least has a G.E.D. So I guess that makes them losers for life.

From your list the only thing I can say is that the best thing she ever did for you was to leave.