How men pee: an explanation for women.

A friend of mine wrote this. I thought it was pretty funny and I would like to share it with you. It is very true! Hope this doesn't go passed the limit of John's tolerance. It's not that inappropriate John, it's the truth .



How men pee: an explanation for women.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his ***** will
still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling you those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat
down, she was going to kill me in my sleep. Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding.

It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a ***** so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend, you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the frigging toilet seat won't stay
up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying
down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said,
"So sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position - lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men
are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault; it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

[parksie]

I'm sure John will understand...

That was great.

[HarryW]

What really annoys me is when women forget to put the seat up after them

Cheers for that Matt, I think the Superman position is one familiar to us all

[smh]

OK, from a woman's point of view, I understand. But....if you make a mess, CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF! I have to change several wet diapers from my son each day, and that is the only person who I want to clean up urine after.

He He

[paulw]

My four year old hasn't yet learned to raise the seat at all. As he is so short, he rests his ***** on the seat and pees in a perfect arc straight across the seat and over the other side...

The cleaning process must be the origin of the phrase "pissed off".

Cheers,

P.

[smh]

Ha Ha

In teaching young males to urinate properly, a physician
friend of mine reccomends putting about 15 Cheerios in the
bowl.

Then tell the young male to "hit the circles"

She swears it works.

[smh]

They have this new foam shapes out now that you can buy that are meant to float in the toilet. They are called "Toilet Targets". They are meant for potty training little boys. You might waste a lot of Cheerios the other way.

Originally posted by smh
OK, from a woman's point of view, I understand. But....if you make a mess, CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF! I have to change several wet diapers from my son each day, and that is the only person who I want to clean up urine after.

He He

I hate when guys do that too.
When I take a leak and see that I've made a mess, I usually take some tp (toilet paper) and clean it up.
I'm the type of person that likes to be clean .
I clean up after myself.

Note: THE ONLY THING I WILL NOT DO IS WIPE/DRY THE SINK AFTER I HAVE WASHED MY HANDS!

My mom gets pissed at me for not drying the sink out, but I think it's so stupid to do that.

And you know what else? I don't even make my bed! It is never made unless my mom makes it. Why make it when your only going to sleep in it again?

[parksie]

Who's mum irons handkerchieves? I mean - come on! Why iron something you're going to blow your nose into!

It's like they have kids and go crazy. My wife irons my sons underpants. I mean is she for real.

I can see a thread coming on here, the worst place you have urinated. Unfortunatly it usually involves a huge amount of alcohol and that funny feeling the next morning that you have done something you shouldn't have.

I am not going to lead that one off however, my own story is just too embarrasing.

Left-back stage at the opening of the Kennedy Center for
the Performing Arts, prior to the first curtain raising.

[parksie]

Better than on stage, anyway .

It WAS on-stage. back left. Closed curtains

[barrk]

I never knew you guys had it so bad.... We just all close both seats when we're done...then no one falls in and everyone has to adjust the seat before they pee. This makes boths sides a little more careful about cleaning up after themselves! Works great for us.

Yes, Jethro...us Mom's can get weird. Especially with the first child. After a while we regain our sanity though. ;-)

[smh]

I do not like to iron at all. My theory is that you can just throw it back in the dryer and the problem will be taken care of in a few minutes. We are changing the dress policy at the business where I work to 'casual dress'. We can wear jeans every day starting January 1st. This will put an extreme cut in the amount of ironning I have to do.

Yeah!

Oh, and it is very unnerving when you wake up in the middle of the night and have to use the restroom, half awake and your back end falls into freezing cold water. It's not exactly the wake up call I prefer.

Hmmm....when l was a kid there must have been an ironing fairy or something, everything was always ironed and hanging in the wardrobe

Oh, and it is very unnerving when you wake up in the middle of the night and have to use the restroom, half awake and your back end falls into freezing cold water. It's not exactly the wake up call I prefer.

I think it's funny as hell when that happens to my sister...

well, that could be due to the fact that I hate my sister, and I have never fallen in a toilet...

[HarryW]

Hahaha, oh Dennis that's just evil ..... funny though

I don't understand this falling-into-the-toilet thing, don't you people check? I mean I always check, I have to check if the seat's down don't I Still, it gives some of us a few laughs.

Originally posted by HarryW
Hahaha, oh Dennis that's just evil ..... funny though

I don't understand this falling-into-the-toilet thing, don't you people check? I mean I always check, I have to check if the seat's down don't I Still, it gives some of us a few laughs.

And for Red Backs....now that could really be a pain in the ass.

Dennis

How old is your sister and does your dad own a brewery.

[Benjamin]

my sister is 27 years old....
and my dad does not own a brewery..
unfortunatly..


I always check to see if the seats down...
I kinda have to, because I always piss before I do that business... so it would be my fault if I fell in the toilet, and if I forgot to put the seat down right before I was about to go... well, then I would deserve it...

...unless your dad immediatly goes out and buys a brewery. Those are my terms for taking her off your hands and am not prepared to change them.:0

[thinktank]

[SurfDemon]

Originally posted by DerFarm
In teaching young males to urinate properly, a physician
friend of mine reccomends putting about 15 Cheerios in the
bowl.

Then tell the young male to "hit the circles"

She swears it works.

I'm pickin' up a pack of cheerio's on the way home..... and thats just for me. This sounds like great fun!

As for the mornoniug wood problem, thats easily sorted. Sex or W*nk. Done.

SD

[beachbum]

And today's Raab award for Digging goes to SD!! woo hooo
Speech speech speech!!

[beachbum]

Late call from the judges.. apparently there was a miscount in the Swimsuit voting... the award now goes to Thinktank...

[Wynd]

Originally posted by HarryW
I think the Superman position is one familiar to us all

Hehehe

[Mark Sreeves]

Originally posted by Matthew Gates
A friend of mine wrote this.

I'm sorry but don't believe that for a minute!

I received the exact same "novel" via email 3 years ago and it was originally a posting on a news group in response to a posting by woman who accidentally strayed into the men's toilets...

[Geespot]

Originally posted by Mark Sreeves


I'm sorry but don't believe that for a minute!

I received the exact same "novel" via email 3 years ago and it was originally a posting on a news group in response to a posting by woman who accidentally strayed into the men's toilets...

BUSTED!

lol

[crptcblade]

Originally posted by Geespot



BUSTED!

lol

And only a year later, too. Way to go Sherlock.

[Geespot]

ROFL!

only just realized, dam search button dam you

[Aerials]

i was crackin up so bad... lol

[Behemoth]

Originally posted by Geespot
ROFL!

only just realized, dam search button dam you

using search terms such as piss, bowl, *****, towel, and horseshoe ?

[V(ery) Basic]

Dont pretend you dont search for those things too

[Aerials]

lmao

[Behemoth]

Originally posted by V(ery) Basic
Dont pretend you dont search for those things too

Yeah, but there are better forums to search on than VBF

[V(ery) Basic]

Really? Where?

[Aerials]

theres other forums?

[crptcblade]

Originally posted by V(ery) Basic
Really? Where?

www.disney.com