oh this is funny

[kovan]

Little Tommy hears noises coming from his Mom's and Dad's room every nite so he goes to take a peek in their room to see what they are doing.

After a couple of days of doing this little Tommy askes his Mom, "Mommy, sometimes at nite I hear noises coming from your room and I peek and I see you jumping up and down on Daddy's tummy. Why do you do that?"

"Well," Mom says "That is so that I can make Daddy skinny."

"Mommy, but you're wasting your time doing that," says little Tommy, "because after you leave for work every morning, the lady from next door comes into your room with Daddy and blows him back up."

[barrk]

No it's not.

[kovan]

i try to hard to please you
yet i cant
i give up

[barrk]

Don't give up on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[barrk]

Do I have to think your joke is funny or you'll give up on me? I don't think jokes about husbands cheating on wives are funny. But I think you're funny. Does that count?

[HarryW]

What about wives cheating on husbands?

[barrk]

Not funny either. I guess I just take my vows too seriously. It really is the only thing that I don't think is funny. I just can't help it.

[barrk]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the
middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at
night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired
a person for the job.

Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two
(2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one
person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will
we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one
GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then
Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so they
created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a
payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an administrative position and hired
three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin.
Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for
one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall
cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

**********************************************************

A 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in California......and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still looking.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place would I.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options. If that’s not possible, make an offer (any offer) and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes, but it doesn’t seem to be paying off.

LAST POSITION HELD: A target for middle management hostility.

LAST SALARY: Way less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, with a half-hour break around 2:00 p.m.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment and I don’t like to get caught doing them at work.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes, substance - I'd rather not say.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy blonde super model who
thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Who am I kidding, I’d
like to be doing that right now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.



[Edited by barrk on 11-14-2000 at 06:52 PM]

[barrk]

George W. Bush

There's a joke if I ever heard one!

[HarryW]

Most chucklesome

*Chuckles*



(Incidentally, I know what you mean about the cheating jokes, I don't like em much myself, but that's due to previous experience )

There were 3 girls who went to the doctor's office
for their annual checkup.

The first girl goes in and the doctor asks "Why is
there a letter "H" printed on your chest?" The
girl replies, "Well, everytime my boyfriend and I
make love he wears his "Harvard Letterman
sweater."

The second girl goes in and the doctor asks, "Why
is there a letter "P" printed on your chest?" The
girl replies, "well, everytime my boyfriend and I
make love he wears his Princeton Letterman
sweater."

Finally, the third girl goes in and the doctor
says, "Don't tell me, everytime you and your
boyfriend make love he wears his 'Wisconsin
Letterman sweater?"

The girl replies, "No. My boyfriend goes to
Michigan".

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of
waterskis?

She's still looking for a lake with a slope!!

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Why do blondes have bruises around their belly
buttons?

Blonde guys are dumb too.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+


A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas
on his way from New York to California. Looking
at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next
gasoline station and fill up.

About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobile station
and pulls over to the high octane pump."What can
I do fer ya'll?" asks the attendant."Fill her up
with high test," replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's
looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is
dat?" he asks, "I never seen one like it befer."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling
up with pride, "this my boy is a 1997 Cadillac
DeVille.""What all it got in it?" asks the
attendant. "Well," says the driver, "It has
everything. It has power steering, power seats,
power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with
a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts
per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion
steering, disk brakes all around, leather
interior, digital instrument package, and best of
all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "thata be something."
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks
the driver. "Thata be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off
a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket
and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with
the change are golf tees.

"What dem little wooden things?" asks the
attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I
drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the
attendant, "dem Cadillac people think of
everything.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

This man was walking down the street. He sees a
wino passed out in the alley so he's horny so he
does the wino up the ass feeling guilty he puts
$5.00 in his pocket and goes on his way. Wino
wakes up finds the money an goes and buys a bottle
of wine. Next day same guy sees same wino does
him again an leaves another five. Wino wakes up
finds money buys more wine. Third day same thing
happens but the guy feel guilty so he leaves the
wino ten bucks. Wino wakes up finds the ten, off
to the liquor store. At the store the cashier says
another $5.00 bottle. Wino says no give me a ten
dollar bottle that $5.00 **** is tearen my ass up!

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral,
or fattening. Anything not fitting into these
categories causes cancer in rats.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

A telemarketer was taking a survey. He told the
woman on the line, "I represent a number of
vaseline companies and we're doing a survey of the
many uses of vaseline in the home. Would you mind
taking a few moments and telling me how you use
our product ?"

She said, "We use it for cuts, dry skin, chapped
lips and sex."

The marketer undaunted pushed on, "Uh, would you
mind explaining how you use it for sex ?"

"Simple. I put it on the door-knob - it keeps the
kids out of the room."

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people
who have had years and years of training can,
using only their hands and feet, make some of the
worst movies in the history of the world.

Dave Barry

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns
to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes
that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye
patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the
peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea,
and I was swept overboard into a school of
sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a
shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding
an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors
with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you
get the eyepatch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied
the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the
sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first
day with the hook."

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and
drives women wild?

A. Money

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Golfers might want to 'brush up' on the rules:

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment
for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner
of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get
the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should
have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted
to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict
club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many
strokes as necessary. When the owner is
satisfied the play is complete. Failure to
do so may result in being denied permission
to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing
the hole immediately upon arrival.
Experienced players will normally take time to
admire the entire course, paying special
attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other
courses they have played or are currently
playing to the owner of the course being played.
Upset owners have been known to damage players
equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain
gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course
is in shape to play at all times. Players may be
embarrassed if they find the course temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players
will find alternate means of play when this is
the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been
properly scheduled particularly when playing a
new course for the 1st time. Previous players
have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else is playing what they considered a
private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for
the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the
visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the
owners permission before attempting to play the
backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players
should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace
at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance,
if time permitting, to play the same hole several
times in one match.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent
life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none
of it has tried to contact us.

Bill Watterson