Jokes...

[denniswrenn]

Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what
that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were
coming up to me (sniff) 'Married!' (walk off).
That's how they mark their territory! You can take
off that ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of your clothes.

A boy and his father were playing catch in the
front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran
over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of
our friends, and for stomping him you will do
without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and
stomped it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of
our friends, and for stomping him you will do
without butter for a week."

The next morning the family had sat down for
breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast
(no honey and butter.)

Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove.
His mother stomped it .

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you
going to tell her Dad, or should I?"

[barrk]

Women are So Bright!

We got off the Titanic first.
~~@~~
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.
~~@~~
Taxis stop for us.
~~@~~
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
~~@~~
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
~~@~~
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
~~@~~
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
~~@~~
We can congratulate our team mate without ever touching
her rear.
~~@~~
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure
our privates are still there.
~~@~~
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
~~@~~
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having
to picture them naked.
~~@~~
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we
look like an idiot.
~~@~~
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
~~@~~
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
~~@~~
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
~~@~~
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence,
because they aren't listening
anyway.
~~@~~

[parksie]

In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
sucked into it.

[parksie]

A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"

[parksie]

Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.

We got off the Titanic first.
~~@~~

no comment.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.
~~@~~

True...

Taxis stop for us.
~~@~~

True..

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
~~@~~

I don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.. saying that would insult the frog and the blender.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
~~@~~

True...

We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
~~@~~

I actually get quite embarassed when I fart..

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
~~@~~

But if we forget to shave our face, nobody seems to mind too much. If needs to shave her face, she's going to get some wierd looks

We can congratulate our team mate without ever touching
her rear.
~~@~~

I think that's just gay.. I don't know why people do that.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure
our privates are still there.
~~@~~

that is not a matter of making sure they are still there

We have the ability to dress ourselves.
~~@~~

No comment.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having
to picture them naked.
~~@~~

Actually, that makes it harder to talk.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we
look like an idiot.
~~@~~

No comment.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
~~@~~

No comment.

We'll never regret piercing our ears.
~~@~~

True.... I only pierced my left, that was about 6 years ago, though. In the past few years it seems everybody wants to pierce both ears... I don't understand why...

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
~~@~~

no comment.

We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence,
because they aren't listening
anyway.
~~@~~

[barrk]

That's just not right!!!!! Truly a BAD joke....keep 'em coming....so to speak ;-)

[parksie]

Wow...you spelt it right

Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
with her.
The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old
as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and
make love to your wife?"
The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make
love every day."
"You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?"
"Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home.
The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby
bakery.
Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want
all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it
will get hard?"
"How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"

A boyfriend (BF) and his girlfriend(GF), go out
for an ice cream cone:

BF : May I ask for something?
GR : Of course, why not.
BF : But I am afraid you may misunderstand me.
GF : Don’t worry.
BF : Can I have a lick?
GF : sure (she gave him the ice cream).
BF : I told you , you'll misunderstand me.

[parksie]

The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
last weekend."
"I'm not suprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
guys felt great, but after them my ***** got real sore."

[parksie]

Also, consider my signature for a few moments

This guys eating this girl out and feels
something hard in his mouth. He spits it out and
it's part of a carrot. He thinks it's odd but
keeps on going. Next he finds a pea. He askes
her, "Man, are you sick?"

She replies, "No, but the last guy was."

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[parksie]

A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
the pressure.
"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
foreman. "The other men swear by it."
The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
every day!"
"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
other men replied.
"Why not then?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

[parksie]

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you
lose interest.
-- Professor Irwin Corey

[parksie]

Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid
the problem?"
"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
flee," said the first girl.
"I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
the second woman.
"Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
but I fail to see the problem."

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

“DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!”

[parksie]

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
are lovers."
Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
in your family like *****?"
"Yeah. Me and my sister."

[parksie]

Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."

[parksie]

"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish **** in it."
-- W. C. Fields

[Jamagei]

This has all been said (amongst other things) by George W. Bush

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.

It's clearly a bugdet. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The future will be better tomorrow.

A low voter turn-out is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

It isn't pollution harming the environment. Its the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

It is clear our nation is reliant on big foreign oil. More and more imports come from overseas.

The only things that i can tell you is that every case i have reviewed i have been comfortable with the innocnce or the guilt of the person that i have looked at. I do not believe we have put a guilty...i mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas.

I know the human being and the fish can co-exist peacefully.

I think we agree, the past is over.

We're going to have the best educated american people in the world.

and to think HE is the most powerful man in the world. RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

[Ishamel]

Keep Life in Perspective

At age 04 .... success is .... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 .... success is .... having friends.
At age 17 .... success is .... having a drivers license.
At age 20 .... success is .... having sex.
At age 35 .... success is .... having money.
At age 50 .... success is .... having money.
At age 60 .... success is .... having sex.
At age 70 .... success is .... having a drivers license.
At age 75 .... success is .... having friends.
At age 80 .... success is .... not peeing in your pants.

[Ishamel]

*************** Urgent News Bullettin ********************
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this
morning in central Ireland. Local search and rescue workers have
recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging
continues into the evening.
*************** Urgent News Bullettin ********************

[Xenonic_Rob]

OK - had me in fits of laughter:

A man walks into a bar with a newt... he says to the barman, "Can I have a drink, and one for Tiny". The barman says, "Whose Tiny?" and the man says "he's the newt."
So then, curious, the barman says, "Why did you call him Tiny?"
Man says, "Because he's my-newt" - get it - minute !!!

HAHAHHAHAHA

[alex_read]

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that
they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has
only one room available so they have a minor problem.
PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on
the couch and you take the bed.
SISTER: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if
we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own damn blanket !

[alex_read]

Shouldn't have started a thread like this...
I'm subscribed to around 15 joke of the days here at work - let alone the ones of the week...

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss
each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an
air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling,
he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blow-job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister
shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she
says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow-job. Otherwise I can
do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But
for god sake tell him "to take his hand off the intercom..."

[alex_read]

I'm gonna stop here for the moment - should take you lot ages to get through this lot.

The favorite joke of the month goes to this one at the moment :

A mother is teaching her 3 year old daughter to read.
They go through a childrens animal book with lots of large pictures that the mother is pointing out...
"what sound does the cow make ?"
The little girl thinks a moment, then sheepishly replies "moo",
"Well done, ok, now what noise does the dog make ?"
"woof" says the daughter.
"You're so clever! Ok, we'll do 1 more, what noise does a frog make ?"
The little girl thinks for a moment, then slowly looks up & replies "bud..."

I've got a few funny pics that I can send too - 1.3Mb, so can't upload them here. Send me a mail to [email protected] if U want them...

[Ishamel]

I like this one.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might
have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say
anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I
thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more
privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny
and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or
something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure.
So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts
his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know
he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and
I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he
just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep.
Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he
still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.
I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore.
I mean, do you think he's met someone else???....

HIS STORY:
Sh*t day at work. Tired. Got a shag though.

[chrismitchell]

I had this emailed to me I thought it wqas funny, please don't take offence!

Girlfriend contract
-------------------------------------------

I, the undersigned, agree that...

1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like, "Invigorate me Donkey Man!" or howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed by a compass.

2. Should your mother call, I will not complain that you are a fat Slob, but rather uphold the illusion that you are a sophisticated, lean, high earning considerate and sexually generous modern man.

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take blame, provide daily solace and generally gratify. In the event of any household or other problems or accidents, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to women, it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for girlie chats, I will tell them that you are better hung than a donkey.

5. And I will also mention this to your friends conspirationally e.g. I can hardly walk! Could the last girlfriend get it all in? I am worried that I may be too tight for his massiveness.

6. After sex, I will expect to have to stroke you to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your ***** a cute nickname. I will refer to it respectfully as "sir" or "master", but mostly I will know it as "ramitdownmythroat".

8. In bed I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they'll have to stay.

10. I will never fart, belch or let my tummy rumble in an unladylike manner either in your company or not.

11. I will uncomplainingly make all dinners, lunches and breakfast and be grateful in the extreme if you kindly do the washing up.

12. I fully understand that the Internet is not a replacement for me or a competitor or an addiction but a friend who is helping to strengthen and improve our relationship. I will encourage your use of it and suggest websites where you might be entertained.

13. During the regular oral sex I will perform on you, I will swallow without being asked and do not mind my ears being held. I also understand the instinctive urge to thrust and will facilitate this by holding my head still.

14. You are almost always right. The exception being certain theological matters, which are not subject to logo centric proofs.

15. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

16. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing machine of course.

Signed.............................................................
Date......./......./...........

[barrk]

Good luck finding anyone to sign up for that! They would have to be TOTALLY ignorant......Maybe Nukem would sign it though ;-)

[alex_read]

That was excellent !

I get the feeling you're not too keen on that one barrk, why on Earth not ?? ??

[barrk]

It's Katie please Alex....actually I thought it was very funny...........men know exactly what they want...but what was funny about it is that some men think it's quite unreasonable of us women not to be happy to sign up! Can't blame them for trying I suppose ;-)

[alex_read]

Sorry Katie !

I'm not too sexist, but the amount of "against blokes" jokes I recieve from friends & workmates, it makes a nice change to see one like this. To go with your

men know exactly what they want

part reminded me of this one ...

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is
lying

on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry
right now!

What a man hears:

blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

Okay, and a normal one for you then :

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes
sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the
warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

[alex_read]

** Avoid alliteration. Always.
** Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
** Avoid clich's like the plague. (They're old hat.)
** Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
** Contractions aren't necessary.
** Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
** One should never generalize.
** Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
** Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
** Be more or less specific.
** One-word sentences? Eliminate.
** Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
** Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
** Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
** Who needs rhetorical questions?
** Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

[chrismitchell]

I thought it was funny and I agree with Katie, no one would sign it.

[barrk]

If Men Truly Ran The World
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time,” would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.
5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.”
9. Instead of “beer-belly,” you’d get “beer-biceps.”
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words... “Ally McNaked.”
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: “You know how fast you were going?” You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.” Cop :”Nice one, That’s $10.00 off.”
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”
20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you”
22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
23. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night,” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car, like Fred Flintstone.
25. Hallmark would make, “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

[alex_read]

That's about right

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'' The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

''All right buddy, what's your name?''

''Sam,'' the man moaned.

''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.

''The balcony.''

[barrk]

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The
Father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water.

Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to
play.

Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother
and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I
ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

[barrk]

1) "Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

5) "Since my last report, he has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change which-ever foot was previously in there."

7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9) "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10) "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

11) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

12) "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

13) "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

14) "A room temperature IQ."

15) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

16) "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

17) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

18) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

19) "Bright as Alaska in December."

20) "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."

21) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22) "Fell out of the family tree."

23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24) "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25) "He's so dense, light bends around him."

26) "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

27) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

28) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

29) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

30) "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

31) "One neuron short of a synapse. "

32) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled"

33) "Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. "

34) "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

35) "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. "