Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes

[Ideas Man]

OK everyone, the idea is to post your favourite jokes. They can be huge jokes, one liners, pics etc.

Here's one of mine to ge the ball rolling...

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.

While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, "You remember the First time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, Yes I remember it well dear." Replies the little old lady with a grin."

"Well, for old time's sake, lets go there again and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips. The little old lady then reaches for the fence.

Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying
everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!" The two have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age.
What's your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, fifty years ago that f**king fence wasn't electrified."

Sorry if this is offensive to anyone but it's funny

[mendhak]

An Englishman, an American and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some sort of a joke?"

[baby]

Um.. i find this one my personal favourite

A fireman charges into a kindergarten classroom holding up a screwdriver and shouts, "This is not a drill!!"

[Ideas Man]

Doesn't anyone know any jokes?

Here's another one:

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

[Ideas Man]

And another one...

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident, but miraculously she'd managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a single scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when a state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that’s been stomped on by an elephant. Are you okay, ma'am?" "Yes officer, I am just fine!" the blonde chirped. "Well how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wreckage.

“Officer it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving down the street when, from out of nowhere, this tree pops up in front of me! So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left, and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..."

"Uh ma'am," the officer interjected after taking a quick look at the cars dashboard, "there isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles... that was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

[mudfish]

What the difference between love and like?
( Spit or swallow )

[SLH]

How do you know your best mate is gay?

His d*ck tastes like s*it.

[davebat]

I made this one up myself:

A man walks into a pub and says to the barman "I'll have a pint please." The barman purs him one and the man pays for it.

I haven't made the ending up yet, I will let you know when its finished