Needed: Quick Wit

**Rh0ads** · Mar 4th, 2004, 09:39 PM

Hiya,

I've come to the gathering of minds with a request. I need to come up with a quote for an unorganized school news-paper that hardly ever actually makes a paper. This quote is going to be in the [high-school] yearbook describing the newspaper, so it should be something not too harsh, but funny none-the-less. I've been trying to find endings for "All the news that's..." (Fit to print), but to no avail. Be creative - Think of this as an opportunity to show off your humor to the other members of VBForums

Any help would be greatly appreciated,

Thanks a LOT,
George

**mendhak** · Mar 4th, 2004, 10:46 PM

All the news that's fit, we delete!

**crptcblade** · Mar 4th, 2004, 10:55 PM

All the news that's fit to be sexually molested by a drunken Phys Ed teacher.

**mendhak** · Mar 4th, 2004, 10:56 PM

All the news that's fit to graduate from our school!

**crptcblade** · Mar 4th, 2004, 11:03 PM

As you can tell, wit is quite lacking on the forums these days.

**MartinLiss** · Mar 4th, 2004, 11:07 PM

All the news that's fit to print - is boring but that's all they'll let us print.

- or -

All the boring crap that's fit to print.

- or -

All The News that's Fit to Print - and some that you wouldn't find in a real newspaper.

**crptcblade** · Mar 4th, 2004, 11:13 PM

Dana, will you go out with me?

**wossname** · Mar 5th, 2004, 02:47 AM

All the news that is covertly disseminated by the Government agencies to obfuscate the underlying truths out there that the black suits would have us all ignorant of.

- to take the conspiracy theorist angle. Keep it to yourselves though, the walls have ears.

**BodwadUK** · Mar 5th, 2004, 03:09 AM

All the news thats true is missing

All the news thats not been lost

All the news thats always pointless

All the news that makes sense

**plenderj** · Mar 5th, 2004, 03:52 AM

Everything we come so close to prin....

**MethadoneBoy** · Mar 5th, 2004, 04:03 AM

All the news, none of the interest

<<Insert name of school paper here>> - Introducing the concept of lies and censorship from an early age

All the news, none of the cen******

All the news that's been passed as acceptable for printing in that it in no way questions, undermimes, or has been judged to be offensive or potentially subversive in nature or unduly critical of State affairs under Section III, Paragraph 7, Sub-paragraph 12(a) of the Information Security and Supervision Act, after passing rigorous inspection in order to perpetuate the glorious and invincible regime of His Holiness the Prime Minister by the Committee for State Security, Information Division.

**DeadEyes** · Mar 5th, 2004, 04:04 AM

All the news that's fit to print is
...wrong.
...plagerised.
...yesterdays.

**demotivater** · Mar 5th, 2004, 09:39 AM

"If anything ever happens, we'll write about it"

**run_GMoney** · Mar 5th, 2004, 11:41 AM

-All the news that are belong to us.

**Wally Pipp** · Mar 5th, 2004, 11:55 AM

all the news that was published in this newspaper was written by a monkey with a typewriter.

**MartinLiss** · Mar 5th, 2004, 11:57 AM

Originally posted by Wally Pipp
all the news that was published in this newspaper was written by a monkey with a typewriter.

What's a typewriter?

**Wally Pipp** · Mar 5th, 2004, 12:00 PM

an extremely modern device !

**SLH** · Mar 6th, 2004, 03:32 PM

Originally posted by MartinLiss
What's a typewriter?

The longest english word that can be typed using only the top row of letter keys of a QWERTY keyboard.

**NotLKH** · Mar 6th, 2004, 05:53 PM

There is no new news, just old news with the names changed.

**NotLKH** · Mar 6th, 2004, 05:55 PM

Originally posted by MartinLiss
What's a typewriter?

Hmmm, is there a writetyper, and if so, is it a human or a machine?

**mendhak** · Mar 6th, 2004, 11:29 PM

The longest word that can be typed entirely by the left hand is

stewardesses

This useless piece of information was brought to you by crptcblade.

**MartinLiss** · Mar 7th, 2004, 01:31 AM

And the longest English word is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (really) and I can type that with one finger

**BodwadUK** · Mar 8th, 2004, 03:24 AM

Oh my god you cant even pronounce it without taking a breather

**MethadoneBoy** · Mar 10th, 2004, 02:05 PM

pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

Yes, please.

**Memnoch1207** · Mar 10th, 2004, 02:32 PM

"All the news that's fit to print...After being censored by the Board of Education"

"All the news that isn't in a real paper"

"All the news that makes it pass the censors"

"All the news you care about, and some you don't"

"All the news your feeble minds can handle"

"All the news I had time to make up"

"All the news we stole from other sources"

And my personal favorite

"All the news that will get you laid on prom night!"

**MixMaster** · Mar 10th, 2004, 03:20 PM

the longest right hand word i can think of is 'lollipop' but i havent given it much though. Also, on the subject of newspapers, you can also type 'reporter' with just the top row

**Memnoch1207** · Mar 10th, 2004, 03:31 PM

you can also type qwertyuiop or poiuytrewq, among others with the top row too.

**abhijit** · Mar 11th, 2004, 03:01 AM

Originally posted by MethadoneBoy
The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;
The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
The Times is read by people who actually do run the country;
The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
The Financial Times is read by people who own the country;
The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;
And the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is!

You missed The Sun.
Cheers,
Abhijit

**BodwadUK** · Mar 11th, 2004, 03:14 AM

The Sun is read by people who dont care and are saving their pennies

**abhijit** · Mar 11th, 2004, 03:22 AM

Originally posted by BodwadUK
The Sun is read by people who dont care and are saving their pennies

I used to find their other publication
News of the World even funnier. It didn't contain anything about the world. Just about some celebs caught doing something. I guess that is the kind of stuff people in the UK love. Its the highest selling newspaper or something.

Cheers,
Abhijit

**wossname** · Mar 11th, 2004, 03:25 AM

TYPEWRITER can be done on the top row of a ... typewriter!

**BodwadUK** · Mar 11th, 2004, 04:26 AM

The term 'News' is very rarely associated with the Sun or The News Of The World. Lies and gangbangs now they are

**abhijit** · Mar 11th, 2004, 04:29 AM

Originally posted by BodwadUK
The term 'News' is very rarely associated with the Sun or The News Of The World. Lies and gangbangs now they are

You are right. Its just a rag selling porn.

Cheers,
Abhijit

**MethadoneBoy** · Mar 11th, 2004, 06:18 AM

Originally posted by abhijit
You missed The Sun.
Cheers,
Abhijit

Humphrey Appleby: But Prime Minister, what about Sun readers?

Bernard Woolley: Sun readers don't care who runs the country as long as she's got big...... oh, sorry.

--- Yes, Prime Minister

**abhijit** · Mar 11th, 2004, 06:27 AM

That explains everything!

Cheers,
Abhijit

**BodwadUK** · Mar 11th, 2004, 06:43 AM

i remember that

**MethadoneBoy** · Mar 11th, 2004, 06:56 AM

Originally posted by BodwadUK
i remember that

Had me laughing for days when I first heard it

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