Joke Marathon

[spetnik]

I believe it is time for competition

[spetnik]

NOW

[spetnik]

LET'S

[spetnik]

GET

[spetnik]

SOME

[spetnik]

POSTS

[spetnik]

(SORRY, surfdemon, but the voices told me to do it)

[parksie]

You will never win! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

'cuz we have Katie

[spetnik]

:'( I hope youre wrong

[spetnik]

maybe we can get katie to join the opposition

[spetnik]

I doubt surfdemon had the foresite to require non-competes

[barrk]

You guys will never get away with this!

[barrk]

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending
a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was
wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home
and was speeding... Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in
hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen, recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You
know how fast you were
going, BOY?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"

"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic
fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop
took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You
don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy
in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind
of a job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I
go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple
more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther
and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the
hell do you do with a six foot *******?"

Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end
of a bridge!"

[barrk]

Pluralism

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,

So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.

[parksie]

Nope, she'll never change

[barrk]

Twisted Sayings

Dyslexics have more fnu

Clones are people, two

Entropy isn't what it used to be

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

Eschew obfuscation

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

My reality check just bounced

Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!

IRS - Be audit you can be

[spetnik]

PLEASE KATIE :-*

The post marathon needs u. The government is gonna break up the post race anyways.

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

with a cherry on top?

[barrk]

I will NEVER play for the other team!!!!!!!!!

[spetnik]

well, actually, by commenting on my poems, u are legally bound to the post marathon. U did not read the agreement, did u?

[parksie]

With no form of official identification all forms of contract are void over the internet

[spetnik]

yes, but my poem is based in every country waters, and only has a link on the internet. when u click the link, you actually leave the internet, and must abide by the laws of every country.

My lawyer is pretty good, eh?

[barrk]

I think that it would be wrong for me to partake of the post marathon. I've pledged my allegiance to the VB-World Saint CyberSurfer and his Post Race.

[spetnik]

:'(, katie, please, i beg of u, u are the driving force behind all the driving forces.

[parksie]

You only have to abide by the laws of the country it's stored in

[SurfDemon]

Originally posted by parksie
You only have to abide by the laws of the country it's stored in

Good job my website is based in outer-somalia.

SD

[parksie]

[spetnik]

but my poem is based in every country, independantly. each one has 1/4 of a character

[barrk]

after much coercion I have been talked into particpating in this thread!


I must add the dispclaimer that this in no way invalidates my loyalty to the Post Race or Saint CyberSurfer....it is merely an adjunct to that. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery so here goes!

[spetnik]

WAHOOOOO!!!!!!

THANK YOU KATIE!!!!!!!!! :-*

[barrk]

Introducing the new device, trade named
"BOOK".

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched
on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and
portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the
fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a
CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder
which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper
Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet,
doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided
on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now,
BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned
optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of
the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time
and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting,
though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped
overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any
sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected
information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed.

BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be
used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK
markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the
BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an
optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor
of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that
thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and
investors are reportedly looking at long-term profit potential. Look for
a flood of new titles soon.

[barrk]

SOME BRAINS ARE DANGEROUS!

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the
1994 Miss Universe contest

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life. --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all
those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
Steele to the post. --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington,
Rhode Island

[barrk]

True Story!
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said, “Call 911!”
But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it’s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

[barrk]

No wonder English is so difficult to learn:

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert to get dessert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

[barrk]

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure Microsoft accomplishments against General Motors.

His comparison went like this:

If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles/hour (160,000km/hr). Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.00.

In response to all this goading, GM responded: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day?"

GM also responded: If Microsoft built cars,

1. Every time they re-painted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.
3. Occasionally, your car would stop and fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive-but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

[barrk]

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-- Sauce on noun

[barrk]

THINGS PEOPLE WISH THEY HADN'T SAID

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
* Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
* Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
* The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
* Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
* Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
* Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
* David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
* A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
* H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
* Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
* Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
* Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
* Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
* Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went toHewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
* Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
* 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
* Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
* Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
* Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
* Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
* Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
* Bill Gates, 1981

[barrk]

LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ: Win yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git frum tryin' ti keery too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it be cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it be blak fly season.
BYTE: Whut dem flys do.
CHIP: Munchies fer watchin TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag.
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the keys.
SOFTWARE: Dem plastic farks an' knifs.
MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAIN FRAME: Whut holds up the barn ruf.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD: That there hippie talk fer the rat hole

[barrk]

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

[barrk]

Did I scare all of you off already!

I told you you didn't stand a chance!

[barrk]

What a bunch of panty waists! Geesh!