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Thread: NOTICE: USA

  1. #1

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    Hyperactive Member tumblingdown's Avatar
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    NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

    To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
    the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
    questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
    know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form communication. Look up "interspersed".

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
    a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy!

    Thank you for your cooperation.



    td.

    "One logical slip and an entire scientific edifice comes tumbling down." - Robert M. Pirsig


    tumblingdown@hotmail.com

    "but if Einstein is right and God is in the details, reality requires that we sometimes get religion." - Scott Meyers.

  2. #2
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    Unhappy

    OMG, and I HATE tea.

    DerFarm

  3. #3
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    You have to come and take us, we still have houses full of Guns. But we can wait until you brits have your tea time. Do Brits even hmake cars anymore other thant that over priced Jaguar?

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    td

    excellent effort BUT will they get it?

    P.
    Not nearly so tired now...

    Haven't been around much so be gentle...

  5. #5

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    Hyperactive Member tumblingdown's Avatar
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    lotus


    td.
    "One logical slip and an entire scientific edifice comes tumbling down." - Robert M. Pirsig


    tumblingdown@hotmail.com

    "but if Einstein is right and God is in the details, reality requires that we sometimes get religion." - Scott Meyers.

  6. #6
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Smile Thank God

    I don't have to give up one evening a week to Monday Night Football or listen to that schmuck Dennis Miller anymore !

    Do we still get to celebrate Thanksgiving? If not, I won't bother to buy a turkey.

  7. #7
    Frenzied Member HarryW's Avatar
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    And TVR too

    (please tell me that's a British company or I'm going to look like a right tit)
    Harry.

    "From one thing, know ten thousand things."

  8. #8
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Don't know what TVR is....must just be a Brit company.

  9. #9
    Frenzied Member HarryW's Avatar
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    What the heck is thanksgiving anyway? Sounds like a poor excuse to raise the average weight of the poulation to me.
    Harry.

    "From one thing, know ten thousand things."

  10. #10

    Thread Starter
    Hyperactive Member tumblingdown's Avatar
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    i wouldn't have thought that could be raised much higher;-)


    td.
    "One logical slip and an entire scientific edifice comes tumbling down." - Robert M. Pirsig


    tumblingdown@hotmail.com

    "but if Einstein is right and God is in the details, reality requires that we sometimes get religion." - Scott Meyers.

  11. #11
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    Morgan, Rover (again), Nissan (well, they are in Sunderland),

    Vauxhall, Toyota, Honda, Ford also make cars here, with that authentic stamp of British quality.

    P.S. Jaguar is part of Ford, as are Aston Martin and Land Rover. Even Rolls Royce has been carved up by the Germans!

    Robin Reliant was our last totally independent, volume car maker (that is volume as in 768 cc engines...)

    Paul.

    P.S. Barrk, No Monday Night Football, instead you'll have Match of The Day (real football) on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. However the season only runs from August to May. For June and July you will have to make do with the Cricket.
    Not nearly so tired now...

    Haven't been around much so be gentle...

  12. #12
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    I hate it when a load of posts get in first and your comic masterpiece loses its impact <ahem>

    Harry, Thanksgiving is an all American celebration of the fact that they don't have to follow the England Cricket team

    Cheers,

    P.
    Not nearly so tired now...

    Haven't been around much so be gentle...

  13. #13
    Member JPRoy392's Avatar
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    When the "U.K." takes over the U.S., what will happen to all of our dentists? Surely, you would want us to have teeth like you guys.
    Jim

    "...head is all empty and I don't care..."

  14. #14
    Member JPRoy392's Avatar
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    like, youknow what I mean?
    Jim

    "...head is all empty and I don't care..."

  15. #15
    Frenzied Member HarryW's Avatar
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    You don't have teeth in America? *Confused*

    (Note: this is sarcasm)
    Harry.

    "From one thing, know ten thousand things."

  16. #16
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Smile Thanksgiving

    Thanksgiving is where we get two days off in November to be thankful that we don't have to go to work during those two days.

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    I guess americans will have to also start talking funny and growing bushy moustaches.

  18. #18
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    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    I don't want a bushy moustache.

  19. #19
    Hyperactive Member barrk's Avatar
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    Wink Not Fair!

    I can't grow a moustache (bushy or otherwise)

  20. #20
    Hyperactive Member Juan Carlos Rey's Avatar
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    Talking

    tumblingdown:

    1- Are you still making those awkfull ugly Vauxhalls?
    2- Isnīt it irony that Rolls-Royce got bought by Volks Wagen? (Folkīs Car)
    3- I thought 98.85% + 2.15% = 101% !
    4- Brit characters really get understood when they talk!
    Combat poverty: kill a poor!!

  21. #21
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    Talking hehe

    Go ahead and try tumblingdown..

    We will kick your ass just like we did in 1776

    !! ?? ruh?





  22. #22
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    Cool World series...

    You guys are going to love cricket!

    I once spoke to an American friend at length about cricket, at the end of the discussion all he could say was "How can you guys play a game for five days and still end up with a draw?"

    World Series cricket at least involves a few other commonwealth countries and I'm quite if you asked nicely we'd let you join too. Us Aussies are always looking for some decent competition! Sorry to all my pommy mates, you invented the game but we kick your sorry asses every time we play!!! Bring on the new blood...

    [Edited by MadWorm on 11-16-2000 at 05:03 AM]

  23. #23
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    The most usual way to end up with a draw after five days is for the two captains to get a call from an Indian bookmeker on the first morning... (allegedly)

    Lucky for us, poms, we'd never get a result otherwise....

    P.
    Not nearly so tired now...

    Haven't been around much so be gentle...

  24. #24
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    Ouch, that was a bit below the belt!

  25. #25
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    The US have to be able to field a better cricket team than the canadians did. Played the Aussies - all out for 60, with the highest scorer being Sundries (23). So, 11 people managed to actually make 37 runs - 3 and a bit per person...

    - gaffa

  26. #26
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    Actually, there was a piece on Radio 4 the other night about how cricket nearly became the American national game, it was pretty big over there until the Civil War.

    Lucky escape for us, we only want tests against Outer Mongolia and Burkina Faso - we can either win or claim that we let them win "to aid global development"

    Cheers,

    P.
    Not nearly so tired now...

    Haven't been around much so be gentle...

  27. #27
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    Damn just posted the same thing

    Actually America does have a Rugby team. We regularly pound them into the mud by 50 points or so.

    Wasn't thanks giving something to do with the Pilgrims and the local Indians giving them some food. Bet the Indians really regret that one.

    The Australian Republic is coming, just as soon as we give Johnny Howard's facists the boot.

    oh by the way...........Scotland 0 Australia 2, the brothers are now going to clean up the Poms in soccer as well....hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe


    Can we have Utah if the Queen doesn't want it? We'll swap Queensland for it

  28. #28
    Frenzied Member HarryW's Avatar
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    You beat Scotland?! Boy they're never gonna live that one down
    Harry.

    "From one thing, know ten thousand things."

  29. #29
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    Yeah, i heard that result on the radio. Do you have them in OZ yet, much better than those things that you guys insist on whirling in the air.

    I thought the England team was a in bad enough state, but losing 2 - 0 to one of the worlds worst football teams!!
    Iain, thats with an i by the way!

  30. #30
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    Wink Yes Iain we excel in all sports

    They have been trying to setup a game against England, but the nancy boy sherry drinking pomie management hid under their beds in fear of the mighty socceroos.....

    Aussie aussie aussie.....oi oi oi!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yes we do have newspapers, we sent some fat bloke over to buy your local bin liners and inject some decent aussie journalism in them......be prepared for more "Alien impregnates Kylie" stories and lots of tits and bums....


    Actually l think he is currently buying out the third estate in America.

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