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Quote:
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what
that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were
coming up to me (sniff) 'Married!' (walk off).
That's how they mark their territory! You can take
off that ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of your clothes.
A boy and his father were playing catch in the
front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran
over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of
our friends, and for stomping him you will do
without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and
stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of
our friends, and for stomping him you will do
without butter for a week."
The next morning the family had sat down for
breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast
(no honey and butter.)
Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove.
His mother stomped it .
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you
going to tell her Dad, or should I?"
Women are So Bright!
We got off the Titanic first.
~~@~~
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.
~~@~~
Taxis stop for us.
~~@~~
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
~~@~~
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
~~@~~
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
~~@~~
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
~~@~~
We can congratulate our team mate without ever touching
her rear.
~~@~~
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure
our privates are still there.
~~@~~
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
~~@~~
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having
to picture them naked.
~~@~~
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we
look like an idiot.
~~@~~
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
~~@~~
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
~~@~~
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
~~@~~
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence,
because they aren't listening
anyway.
~~@~~
Quote:
In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
sucked into it.
Quote:
A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
Quote:
Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
no comment.Quote:
We got off the Titanic first.
~~@~~
True...Quote:
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.
~~@~~
True..Quote:
Taxis stop for us.
~~@~~
I don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.. saying that would insult the frog and the blender.Quote:
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
~~@~~
True...Quote:
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
~~@~~
I actually get quite embarassed when I fart.. :oQuote:
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
~~@~~
But if we forget to shave our face, nobody seems to mind too much. If needs to shave her face, she's going to get some wierd looks ;)Quote:
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
~~@~~
I think that's just gay.. I don't know why people do that.Quote:
We can congratulate our team mate without ever touching
her rear.
~~@~~
that is not a matter of making sure they are still there ;)Quote:
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure
our privates are still there.
~~@~~
No comment.Quote:
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
~~@~~
Actually, that makes it harder to talk.Quote:
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having
to picture them naked.
~~@~~
No comment.Quote:
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we
look like an idiot.
~~@~~
No comment.Quote:
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
~~@~~
True.... I only pierced my left, that was about 6 years ago, though. In the past few years it seems everybody wants to pierce both ears... I don't understand why...Quote:
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
~~@~~
no comment.Quote:
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
~~@~~
:oQuote:
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence,
because they aren't listening
anyway.
~~@~~
That's just not right!!!!! Truly a BAD joke....keep 'em coming....so to speak ;-)
Wow...you spelt it right :p
Quote:
Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
with her.
The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old
as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and
make love to your wife?"
The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make
love every day."
"You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?"
"Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home.
The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby
bakery.
Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want
all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it
will get hard?"
"How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"
A boyfriend (BF) and his girlfriend(GF), go out
for an ice cream cone:
BF : May I ask for something?
GR : Of course, why not.
BF : But I am afraid you may misunderstand me.
GF : Don’t worry.
BF : Can I have a lick?
GF : sure (she gave him the ice cream).
BF : I told you , you'll misunderstand me.
Quote:
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
last weekend."
"I'm not suprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
guys felt great, but after them my ***** got real sore."
Also, consider my signature for a few moments :p
This guys eating this girl out and feels
something hard in his mouth. He spits it out and
it's part of a carrot. He thinks it's odd but
keeps on going. Next he finds a pea. He askes
her, "Man, are you sick?"
She replies, "No, but the last guy was."
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
Quote:
A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
the pressure.
"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
foreman. "The other men swear by it."
The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
every day!"
"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
other men replied.
"Why not then?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
Quote:
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you
lose interest.
-- Professor Irwin Corey
Quote:
Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid
the problem?"
"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
flee," said the first girl.
"I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
the second woman.
"Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
but I fail to see the problem."
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
“DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!”
Quote:
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
are lovers."
Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
in your family like *****?"
"Yeah. Me and my sister."
Quote:
Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
Quote:
"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish **** in it."
-- W. C. Fields
This has all been said (amongst other things) by George W. Bush
and to think HE is the most powerful man in the world. RUN FOR THE HILLS!!Quote:
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
It's clearly a bugdet. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
The future will be better tomorrow.
A low voter turn-out is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
It isn't pollution harming the environment. Its the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
It is clear our nation is reliant on big foreign oil. More and more imports come from overseas.
The only things that i can tell you is that every case i have reviewed i have been comfortable with the innocnce or the guilt of the person that i have looked at. I do not believe we have put a guilty...i mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas.
I know the human being and the fish can co-exist peacefully.
I think we agree, the past is over.
We're going to have the best educated american people in the world.
Keep Life in Perspective
At age 04 .... success is .... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 .... success is .... having friends.
At age 17 .... success is .... having a drivers license.
At age 20 .... success is .... having sex.
At age 35 .... success is .... having money.
At age 50 .... success is .... having money.
At age 60 .... success is .... having sex.
At age 70 .... success is .... having a drivers license.
At age 75 .... success is .... having friends.
At age 80 .... success is .... not peeing in your pants.
*************** Urgent News Bullettin ********************
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this
morning in central Ireland. Local search and rescue workers have
recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging
continues into the evening.
*************** Urgent News Bullettin ********************
OK - had me in fits of laughter:
A man walks into a bar with a newt... he says to the barman, "Can I have a drink, and one for Tiny". The barman says, "Whose Tiny?" and the man says "he's the newt."
So then, curious, the barman says, "Why did you call him Tiny?"
Man says, "Because he's my-newt" - get it - minute !!!
HAHAHHAHAHA
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that
they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has
only one room available so they have a minor problem.
PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on
the couch and you take the bed.
SISTER: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if
we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own damn blanket !
Shouldn't have started a thread like this...
I'm subscribed to around 15 joke of the days here at work - let alone the ones of the week...
Quote:
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss
each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an
air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling,
he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blow-job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister
shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she
says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow-job. Otherwise I can
do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But
for god sake tell him "to take his hand off the intercom..."
I'm gonna stop here for the moment - should take you lot ages to get through this lot.
The favorite joke of the month goes to this one at the moment :
:DQuote:
A mother is teaching her 3 year old daughter to read.
They go through a childrens animal book with lots of large pictures that the mother is pointing out...
"what sound does the cow make ?"
The little girl thinks a moment, then sheepishly replies "moo",
"Well done, ok, now what noise does the dog make ?"
"woof" says the daughter.
"You're so clever! Ok, we'll do 1 more, what noise does a frog make ?"
The little girl thinks for a moment, then slowly looks up & replies "bud..."
I've got a few funny pics that I can send too - 1.3Mb, so can't upload them here. Send me a mail to [email protected] if U want them...
I like this one.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might
have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say
anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I
thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more
privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny
and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or
something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure.
So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts
his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know
he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and
I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he
just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep.
Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he
still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.
I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore.
I mean, do you think he's met someone else???....
HIS STORY:
Sh*t day at work. Tired. Got a shag though.
I had this emailed to me I thought it wqas funny, please don't take offence!
Girlfriend contract
-------------------------------------------
I, the undersigned, agree that...
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like, "Invigorate me Donkey Man!" or howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed by a compass.
2. Should your mother call, I will not complain that you are a fat Slob, but rather uphold the illusion that you are a sophisticated, lean, high earning considerate and sexually generous modern man.
3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take blame, provide daily solace and generally gratify. In the event of any household or other problems or accidents, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to women, it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
4. Whenever my friends and I get together for girlie chats, I will tell them that you are better hung than a donkey.
5. And I will also mention this to your friends conspirationally e.g. I can hardly walk! Could the last girlfriend get it all in? I am worried that I may be too tight for his massiveness.
6. After sex, I will expect to have to stroke you to sleep.
7. I will never, ever give your ***** a cute nickname. I will refer to it respectfully as "sir" or "master", but mostly I will know it as "ramitdownmythroat".
8. In bed I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there grinning.
9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they'll have to stay.
10. I will never fart, belch or let my tummy rumble in an unladylike manner either in your company or not.
11. I will uncomplainingly make all dinners, lunches and breakfast and be grateful in the extreme if you kindly do the washing up.
12. I fully understand that the Internet is not a replacement for me or a competitor or an addiction but a friend who is helping to strengthen and improve our relationship. I will encourage your use of it and suggest websites where you might be entertained.
13. During the regular oral sex I will perform on you, I will swallow without being asked and do not mind my ears being held. I also understand the instinctive urge to thrust and will facilitate this by holding my head still.
14. You are almost always right. The exception being certain theological matters, which are not subject to logo centric proofs.
15. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".
16. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing machine of course.
Signed.............................................................
Date......./......./...........
Good luck finding anyone to sign up for that! They would have to be TOTALLY ignorant......Maybe Nukem would sign it though ;-)
That was excellent ! :D
I get the feeling you're not too keen on that one barrk, why on Earth not ?? :confused: ??
It's Katie please Alex....actually I thought it was very funny...........men know exactly what they want...but what was funny about it is that some men think it's quite unreasonable of us women not to be happy to sign up! Can't blame them for trying I suppose ;-)
Sorry Katie !
I'm not too sexist, but the amount of "against blokes" jokes I recieve from friends & workmates, it makes a nice change to see one like this. To go with yourpart reminded me of this one ...Quote:
men know exactly what they want
:D :D :DQuote:
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is
lying
on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry
right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
Okay, and a normal one for you then :
Quote:
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes
sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the
warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
** Avoid alliteration. Always.
** Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
** Avoid clich's like the plague. (They're old hat.)
** Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
** Contractions aren't necessary.
** Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
** One should never generalize.
** Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
** Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
** Be more or less specific.
** One-word sentences? Eliminate.
** Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
** Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
** Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
** Who needs rhetorical questions?
** Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
I thought it was funny and I agree with Katie, no one would sign it.
If Men Truly Ran The World
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time,” would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.
5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.”
9. Instead of “beer-belly,” you’d get “beer-biceps.”
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words... “Ally McNaked.”
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: “You know how fast you were going?” You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.” Cop :”Nice one, That’s $10.00 off.”
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”
20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you”
22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
23. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night,” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car, like Fred Flintstone.
25. Hallmark would make, “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
That's about right :D
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'' The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
''All right buddy, what's your name?''
''Sam,'' the man moaned.
''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.
''The balcony.''
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The
Father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water.
Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to
play.
Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother
and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I
ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
1) "Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5) "Since my last report, he has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change which-ever foot was previously in there."
7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9) "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10) "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
11) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
12) "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
13) "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
14) "A room temperature IQ."
15) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
16) "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
17) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
18) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
19) "Bright as Alaska in December."
20) "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."
21) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22) "Fell out of the family tree."
23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24) "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25) "He's so dense, light bends around him."
26) "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
27) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
28) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
29) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
30) "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
31) "One neuron short of a synapse. "
32) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled"
33) "Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. "
34) "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
35) "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. "
And on the same note, here's one I made up earlier today:
A few functions short of an API.
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f*****g sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
4. Do I look like a f*****g people person?
5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
7. You! Off my planet!!
8. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
9. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of
self-control.
10. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
11. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
15. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
16. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
17. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
18. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
19. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
22. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
23. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
24. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
26. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
29. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
30. Earth is full. Go home.
31. Is it time for your medication or mine?
32. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
33. I plead contemporary insanity.
34. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
36. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Which animal does your birthday fall under?
Check what you are:
January 2 to January 11 ........Lion
January 12 to January 24 .......Salmon
January 25 to February 3 .......Bear
February 4 to February 8 .......Rat
February 9 to February 18 ......Fox
February 19 to February 28 .....Ferret
March 1 to March 10 ............Crow
March 11 to March 20 ...........Magpie
March 21 .......................Elephant
March 22 to March 31 ...........Badger
April 1 to April 10 ............Ostrich
April 11 to April 20 ...........Duck Billed Platypus
April 21 to April 30 ...........Goat
May 1 to May 13 ................Salmon
May 14 to May 24 ...............Hyena
May 25 to June 3 ...............Monkey
June 4 to June 13 ..............Giraffe
June 14 to June 23 .............Flamingo
June 24 ........................Frog
June 25 to July 4 ..............Lion
July 5 to July 14 ............. Chimpanzee
July 15 to July 25 .............Racoon
July 26 to August 4 ............Dog
August 5 to August 13 ..........Ferret
August 14 to August 23 .........Elephant
August 24 to September 2 .......Monkey
September 3 to September 12 ....Magpie
September 13 to September 22 ...Warthog
September 23 ...................Badger
September 24 to October 3 ......Bear
October 4 to October 13 ........Frog
October 14 to October 23 .......Duck Billed Platypus
October 24 to November 11 ......Rat
November 12 to November 21 .....Sloth
November 22 to December 1 ......Ostrich
December 2 to December 11 ......Warthog
December 12 to December 21 .....Magpie
December 22 ....................Giraffe
December 23 to January 1........Racoon
Badger
Resourceful, loyal and well, small, black, white and
stinking. You, like the badger, spend most of your
time hanging around dark holes, looking for the slugs
of the social strata. You're also a bit of a vicious
****er, not giving up until you've suitably destroyed
your opponent (like the badger and its "I'm not letting
go till your leg breaks you dick" attitude).
Bear
Fearless, brave and dignified are things you might
associate with bears but there's no way in hell
they'd be associated with you. No, the things you have in common with the bear are that you smell like 've
had **** stuck to you for four months, your hair looks
like you've been in the forest for thirty odd years,
and your breath smells of fish.
Chimpanzee
Chimpanzees are nothing but exhibitionists. Especially
of their bare asses. You're the type of person who
wanders around beaches in the summer, practically
naked, bar one or two pieces of string covering your
genitals. You think you look great, when in fact your
cellulite is clearly showing, and your fake tan is
starting to run down your legs with the amount of
sweat that's pouring off you.
Crow
You are the type who sings at parties, tries their
hand at karaoke, and loves to hum round the building
site / office. You think this is great and that
everyone loves your voice. You are in fact ****. Your
singing talents are equivalent to that of a real crow.
To top it all off, you've no sense of fashion either.
Dog
Loyal, friendly and disgusting. You'd give your right
arm to be able to lick your own arse, you'll eat
anything put in front of you and you'll do anything
your mates tell you. Plus you've probably got a hairy
back and you smell like a *****in walrus during the
summer.
Duck Billed Platypus
A rare creature. You like the platypus, are awkward,
goofy looking and spend most of your life hiding your
stupid features
Elephant
The elephant never forgets or so they say. You wish
you could, cause you're fat, everyone insults you and
when you're old, you're destined to become a wrinkly
wizened old bugger.
Ferret
Like the rat you are small and furry, but the thing
about you is instead of trying to make friends, all
you do is make enemies. No one likes you, you're a
malevolent b*****rd, who'll stop at nothing to harm
others. As well as that you're a smelly bastard, who
really should wash now and then.
Flamingo
Ahhh, the pink flamingo. In male terms the gayest of
all creatures. You are extremely camp. You are prone
to mincing around the place constantly, your voice is
unusual, and you have abhorrent tastes in music. look
at the way you're sitting right now! Its so gay! For
the females, Flamingoes are vain creatures, you're
constantly looking at yourself in the mirror, and that
spot on your left cheek just won't go away will it?
God it makes you look ugly.
Fox
What can one say about the fox. You're nothing but a
sneaky little b*****rd, who spends most of his time
either sleazing around bitches (or vice versa for the
females), thieving stuff and scheming constantly. You
also whine a lot, you're as skinny as heck and you're
hungry most of the time.
Frog
Amphibious (adaptive). Small and warty. Yup, you're a
small warty runt of a creature. Your eyes bulge out of
your head, and people avoid you like the plague for
fear of catching some sort of ugly disease from you.
Giraffe
Tall, sleek and gracious. In the wild maybe, but in
human terms you're a lanky awkward *****. Getting in everyone's way, constantly hurting people by mistake, and generally making an ass of yourself in public.
Goat
The goat, rock steady in all situations, firm on its
feet, sure and strong, bold and daring. However when used as a metaphor for people like yourself, we must look beyond these qualities to the goats true nature. The B****rd child of Satan. Close relative to the
sheep, who we all know has no mind of its own and
follows anyone anywhere. Goats stink, so do you. It's
got a manky beard, which is especially true of the
females, isn't it time you thought about electrolysis?
Hyena
Hyenas are laughing all the time. Because they're
stupid as *****. If someone kicked you on the arse
you'd probably pass out in a laughing fit. You're a
bit of a pack animal too, spending a lot of your time
hanging round with your equally stupid mates, and are well known for coming up with such wonderful phrases as "look at that guy, he's wearing socks with his shoes, he must be gay" and rolling around laughing at your cleverness for hours. In the office you're the
type of person that everyone hates. You send people
stuff like this constantly thinking its hilarious when
its really just a pain in the ass. Do us all a favour
and ***** off and die.
Lion
The lion, king of the beasts, noble and wise. Real
lions are anyway. You however are like the inbred
lion, whos looks are past their best, you'll do
anything to survive including eating your own cubs, or
in your case, stealing from your own mother. Like the
inbred lion you are destined to wander lonely forever
through the plains of life until a hyena comes along
and devours your shell of a carcass.
Magpie
Ahhh magpies, the veritable dirty thieving knacker of
the sky. You've no morals, anything that glistens is
most certainly gold in your eyes, and definitely worth
a fiver down the local market, so in your pocket it
shall jolly well go. You're also a superstitious
creature. Prone to avoiding ladders and such, because lets be honest, you're a bit of stupid ****.
Monkey
Playful, cheeky and inquisitive. In the worst possible
ways. You play stupid practical jokes, you're a bit of
a smart ass and you stick your nose into other
people's business where its obviously not wanted. As
well as that you have a tendency to play with your
genitals far too much, so cut it out or you'll go blind.
Ostrich
The ostrich, fast, nimble, quick. In nature. Metaphorically, compared to people like you, they are
slow, stupid, their eyes are bigger than their brains
and are cowardly bastards. You have a tendency to be not so quick on the uptake in most situations.
Romantically you are stupid, your eyes see an ugly
*****a, but your brain cries beauty. At the first
sign of trouble, you'll pack your bags and leggit back
to your mothers place.
Racoon
Creatures of the forest. Scavengers by nature. Which
is what you are, you're a mean bastard, never buy
rounds when you're out drinking, you'd rather save
money than spend it and you go through dumpsters
looking for old stuff people have thrown out for your
ratty abode.
Rat
Small, furry and loathed by all. You are the annoying
type who are no less than five meters away from your
new found friends no matter where they go. You try
much too hard to be popular, going everywhere you can and leaving signatures of your presence. You think
you're cool, when in fact nobody is actually friends
with you, yet you know everyone. More people see you and tolerate you for a while, then they put out the
poison.
Salmon
Salmon are sleek, silver, fast and athletic. You're
not. You're stupid, your house stinks and you look
like a fish.
Sloth
Bone idle. That's all you are. Good for nothing. No
redeeming features at all.
Warthog
*****in ugly. Nothing much else to say about you lot.
So which on are you Honeybee?
Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1.Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2.Boils with no provocation.
3.Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
4.Melts if given special treatment.
5.Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
6.Yields to pressure applied to certain points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones such as diamonds, rubies and sapphires among others.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5 . Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques.
HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be maintained at different locations as long as the specimens do not come into contact with each other.
HEY! From where did you get that???? We used that in our Drama and the guy who gave it told me that he made it up..... :mad:
Heres one...
What is the similarity between the American Flag and Monica Lewinsky's skirt?
Ans : Both were lifted by Mr.Clinton
both are saggy crumpled old .... oh sorry, you've just put the answer above ! :D
I never believe anyone who tells me they made up jokes - you tend to tell if they do by the groaner scale of the joke (i.e. it's crap!)
That one above has been out for a little while, I got it in my e-mail around 4 months ago I guess ...
So this bloke walks into a bar ...
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize
by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Very true :)
Quote:
A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
"This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think
you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out."
The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly
gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
Pretzel hold.
The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a
scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out
of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!"
"Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured
what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach,
you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
Quote:
Guide to Movies:
G: No girl.
PG: The hero gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
Your stall warning plays Dixie.
Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
You've thought of using moonshine as avgas.
You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.
You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman "Yankee".
You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
The side of your airplane has a sign advertising your septic tank service.
You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
You refer to flying in formation as "We've got us a convoy".
Your matched set of luggage is 3 grocery sacks from Piggly Wiggly.
You have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
You fuel your airplane from a mason jar.
You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.
You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass and wheat from the
landing gear.
You figure the weight of mud and manure on your airplane into the CG
calculations.
You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.
You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been
flying for years.
You've ground looped a Cub after hitting a cow.
You consider anything above 100 feet AGL as "High Altitude". YAAAAHOOOOO!
There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".
You've never really actually seen a sectional, but have all the Texaco road
maps for your area (but they're 20 years old).
You answer all calls from female controllers with "That's a big ten-four
little Darlin'."
There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco
stains on the left.
You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep and goats.
You use your parachute to cover your plane.
You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.
You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot-landing contest.
The tread pattern on your main gear tires doesn't match. Or, there is no
tread pattern on your main gear tires.
Your best com radio has 90 channels.
You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
You have a bale of hay and a hound in the baggage compartment.
Your instructor's day job was at the community sale barn.
You've got matching bumper stickers on your vertical fin.
There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
The FAA still thinks your mailing address is your parent's house.
You think ZULU time means something to do with Africa.
Your hangar collapses and more than four dogs are injured.
Your airplane has a sticker that says, "I'd rather be Bow Hunting".
You navigate with your ADF tuned to country music stations.
You think "Ultralite" is a new beer from Pearl.
Just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH
- Yes = No
- No = Yes
- Maybe = No
- We need = I want
- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I hate my thighs
- You're so .. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV- How much do you love me? = I did something today that
you're really not going to like
TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH
- I'm hungry = I'm hungry
- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
- I'm tired = I tired
- Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
- I love you = Let's have sex now
- I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
- What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
- I love you too = OK, I said it, can we have sex now?
- May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men
- You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you
- Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing that I a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me- I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
Quote:
User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte
sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is
looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files
permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software
is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day...
especially if special features and options are utilized.
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending
a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was
wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home
and was speeding... Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in
hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen, recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You
know how fast you were
going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic
fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop
took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You
don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy
in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind
of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I
go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple
more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther
and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the
hell do you do with a six foot *******?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end
of a bridge!"
Sure I recognise that one :rolleyes:
Quote:
Get your bytes from our backend!
-- Britton Lee
Whats the favourite computer of a coconut tree climber?
Ans : Palm Top
Quote:
Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on
what
drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred
on almost
all counts. The results:
WOMEN
Drink : Beer
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Drink : Barcardi Breezer/Hooch
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated,
actually has
absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.
Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Gin etc.)
Personality : Hanging with boy pals or looking to get drunk... and
naked
Approach : Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
MEN - as always, very simple and clear cut.
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid
Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or
another.
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a
sophisticated image
and help him get laid.
Vodka : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate
to get
laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit
anyone who
will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all
about
feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into
getting
laid.
Tequila : Piss off you wa*kers, I'm gonna go shag something with a
pulse.
Bacardi Breezer/Hooch : He's gay (Blatantly)
Quote:
Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "Drive-thru" cashpoint
machines.
Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have
been drawn up.
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e.
MALE or FEMALE)and remember them for when you use the machine for the first
time.
MALE PROCEDURE
>>> >1 Drive up to the cash machine
>>> >2 Wind down your car window
>>> >3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
>>> >4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
>>> >5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
>>> >6 Wind up window
>>> >7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
>>> >1 Drive up to cash machine
>>> >2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
>>> >3 Re-start the stalled engine
>>> >4 Wind down car window
>>> >5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
>>> >6 Turn the radio down
>>> >7 Attempt to insert card into machine
>>> >8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
>>> >9 Insert card
>>> >10 Re-insert card the right way up
>>> >11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
>>> >12 Enter PIN
>>> >13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
>>> >14 Enter amount of cash required
>>> >15 Check make up in rear view mirror
>>> >16 Retrieve cash and receipt
>>> >17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
>>> >18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
>>> >19 Re-check make-up again
>>> >20 Drive forwards 2 meters
>>> >21 Reverse back to cash machine
>>> >22 Retrieve card
>>> >23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
>>> >24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
>>> >25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
>>> >26 Turn off indicator
>>> >27 Release handbrake