I think I have the solution:
We staple a piece of buttered toast to the top (back) of the cat and superglue a piece of buttered toast, butter side up, to the bottom (underside) of the cat, a figure of which I have outlined in diagram A:
Dia. A
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cat
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= represents toast
~ represents butter
_ represents cat's skin
Following the Polanski-Bergman conjecture we establish the toast cannot land butter side down, however the cat cannot land tits up, therefore
1) fish suppers will not be served during the hours 4pm til 6pm on Sundays.
2) polling booths will temporarily smell of parsnips
4) mango chutney will only be consumed hanging upside down from an umbrella in Swindon
7) the cat, preferably a black cat, will eat the toast as it plummets to the ground, thereby removing the distinction between butter side down and butter side up
3) upon landing, the cat shall regurgitate the toast, which will naturally reform into normal pieces of uncooked sliced bread and thick buttermilk.
472) I love you
8) The cat suffers from post-traumatic shock, and has to be rushed to a cinema, currently showing 100 Things You Always Wanted To Know About Walnuts, But Never Dared Ask.
12) The toast sprouts legs and ambles its way down the road, stopping off to apply for a job vacancy in the local off-licence.
13) The buttermilk separates into butter and milk and goes to Broadway as a successful double-act.
6) Do you love me?
-3) The cat dies after an overdose of raisins, and the butter and milk and toast attend its funeral.
91) They all die
92) Time ends