Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
They have no balls to scratch.
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Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
They have no balls to scratch.
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study
to determine why the head on a man's ***** is
larger than the shaft. The study took two years
and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded
that the reason the head of a man's ***** is
larger than the shaft was to provide the man with
more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided
to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the
British study was incorrect. After three years
of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million,
the French researchers concluded that the head of
a man's ***** is larger than the shaft to provide
the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were
released, Canada decided to conduct their own
study. The Canucks didn't really trust British
or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks
of intensive research and a cost of right around
$75.00, the Canadian study was complete. They
concluded that the reason the head on a man's
***** is larger than the shaft is to prevent your
hand from flying off and hitting you in the
forehead!
Great one!! keep it up we want more!
~Chenko
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was
almost impossible.
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his
new bride, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going coochi
cooh...?" asks his wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to
have a beer." replies the husband. The wife puts her hands on her hips and
says to him, "You want a beer my love...?" Then she opens the door to the
refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer from 12 different
countries. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
can think of saying is: "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar... you know... the
frozen glass." He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife
interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" His wife
takes out a huge beer mug so frozen that she was getting the chill! ! s from
holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll. But at
the bar, they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long. I'll be right back. I promise. Okay?" "You want hoer's de devours
poochi pooh..?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres... chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips,
etc. "But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... the swearing, the dirty
words and all that..." replies the husband in desperation. "You want dirty
words cutie pie? HERE! DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR STUPID FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR STUPID HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE JERK!
The Range of 8 inches long.
The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willing, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly,
into a warm, fleshy moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again.
Many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound,
resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a
juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer
surface of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done
and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is return to its freely
hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling
climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
WHAT AM I !?!?!?!?!?
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own.
................................................TOOTHBRUSH!
What were you thinking? You PERVERT!
Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise
sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30
chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the
sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck
tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old
man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck
tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a ***** willow."
The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed
with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of
the world."
"Yeah, it's easy for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you
came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick
his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took
out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a
doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his
mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the
good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped
one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you
had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the
jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
I took my fingers and slowly,gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once,then twice...I found I couldn"t stop.
I licked it faster and faster,and harder.
I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was,in my mouth!
All sweet and creamy,then I was done.
I threw away the outsides of my oreo cookie.
well, what did you think it was????
get your mind out of the gutter........
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high
school. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but,
the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a
college on the West Coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could
together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home and
would not return his calls. Even when he E-mailed her, she took days to
return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and e-mails trying to
win back her love.
She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new
boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back so she took a Polaroid picture
of her sucking her new boyfriend's dick and sent it to her old boyfriend with
a note reading,
"I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more so, he was
pissed.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following,
"Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!
I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
Paybacks a *****, ain't it?
i used to do stuff like that all the time, but after hours in school, after school, before school, at home, of doing what ever they said would correct me they fixed it, but they cannt fix it so im at 100% norm. so im doing good, and if u think this spelling is bad u should look at my programs, i think every word is misspelled.
yea payback is but u get hit back, trust me ive had my own experiences :(
still keep'em comin'
Thier where 3 guys on a row boat, a american, a mexican, and a asian. thier boat was sinking so they disicted to throgh off what ever they didnt need. The asian man threw off an unbrella w/ a metal tip. He said "We have plenty of these at home." The mexican threw off some druges. He said "We have plenty of these at home." The american threw off the mexican. He said "We have plenty of these at home."
:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
A man was relaxing in his back garden, sitting
in the shade sipping a beer and listening to the
radio. As he chilled out, his wife struggled with
a manual mower, pushing up and down the large
lawn, sweating and red-faced.
The next door neighbor saw the woman battling
with the mower and shouts across the fence, "You
pathetic excuse for a man! You're just sitting
there sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts
the grass. You should be bloody well hung!"
"I am." he shouts back. "That's why she's doing
the grass."
Did you hear about the blind skunk
who tried to rape a fart?
Did you decide to hijack fortune as well, then? :p
And I'm here now, so will think about sending some other stuff in.
could you take a look at my thread in the C++ forum about creating a subclassing DLL?
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
Quote:
crew, n:
Eight big men and their cute little cox.
Quote:
Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
-- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
Quote:
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
-- Steven Wright
Quote:
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
-- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
Quote:
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
True transcript from court record:
Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: Closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.
Quote:
It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
Especially in a paternity hearing.
Quote:
Confucious say:
man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
get exhausted.
A young soldier and his commanding officer board
a train headed through the mountains of
Switzerland. They can't find a place to sit
accept for two seats right across the aisle from
a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman
and the young soldier are interested in each
because they are giving each other "looks."
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is
pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a
kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four
sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was
very brash for that young soldier to kiss my
granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The commanding officer is setting there thinking:
"I didn't know the young soldier was brave enough
to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't
missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm
glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my
grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young soldier sat there with a satisfied
smile on his face. He thought to himself:
"Life is good. When does a fellow have the
chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his
commanding officer all at the same time!"
Quote:
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
your birthday when you never look any older?"
Quote:
You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women.
It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with
a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet
sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then
I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
Jack Handy
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd
like some fries"
The girl at the counter said "Would you like
some fries with that"
Jay Leno
Q: What is the difference between your wife and
the washing maching?
A: You don't have to hug the washing machine
after you drop a load in it.
Quote:
Falling in Love
When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
good idea to check with your doctor.
-- Dave Barry
What's the difference between a woman and a lady?
A lady goes out on a date, goes home and goes to
bed.
A woman goes out on a date, goes to bed then
goes home.
It's not true that married men live longer than
single men. It only seems longer.
Q. What is the difference between the skirt
and the sky?
A. The sky covers the whole universe and
the skirt covers the universal hole.
Q. Whats the difference between a Fox and a Pig?
A. A twelve pack.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all
-money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love
of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all
gone!'
'What happened?' asked the friend.
'My wife found out...'