Joke Marathon

You May Be From Arkansas If . . .
>
>...you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
>
>...you can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
>
>...your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
>
> ...you know what's a Hindu --- it lays eggs.
>
> ...you burn your yard rather than mow it.
>
> ...you think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
>
> ...you have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
>
> ...you come back from the dump with more than you took.
>
> ...the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
>
> ...you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
>
> ...your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
>
> ...you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
>
> ...you think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
>
> ...you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
>
> ...you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
>
> ...you took a fishing pole to Sea World.
>
> ...you go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
>
> ...you know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
>
> ...your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
>
> ...you consider your license plate personalized because your uncle
> made it.
>
> ...you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
>
> ...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
>
> ...you sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer
> quota.
>
> ...your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him
> take the wheels off.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:

"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

KIDS !!!!

POLICE #1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about six years old.
Looking up and down
at
my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is
that
right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot
toward me, "would you
please tie my shoe?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police
van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
partner, Jake, was
barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that
a dog you got back
there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van.
Finally, he said, "What'd he do?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers
lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter
on my afternoon
rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced
myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she
merely turned and
whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a
party. When she
saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy,
you shouldn't wear
that
suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made
his collar wilt.
Apparently, his five-year-old son and his
playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that proper burial should be
performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a
hole and made ready
for
the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son
was chosen to say
the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity
intoned his version of
what
he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto
the Faaaather . . .
and
unto the Sonnn . . . and into the hole he
gooooes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of
school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I
can't read, I can't
write,
and they won't let me talk!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an
old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I
found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, "I think it's
Adam's underwear!"

Rule 1:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule 2:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule 3:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends
are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and you pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule 4:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule 5:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.

Rule 6:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make
her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule 7:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?

Rule 8:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.

Rule 9:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule 10:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.


Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.


Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.


Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.


Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?


Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.


Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

One day mom was cleaning junior's room. In the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year
old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons
of bitches who want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is
the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're going
down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't
use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to
go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you
to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was
a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue: "For those of you
just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those
of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please
see the ***** in the kitchen...."

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about
the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of
water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a
worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He
then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about
painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded
confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Seems that when the Lord was creating the
world, He called man over and bestowed upon
him twenty years of normal sex life. Man
was absolutely horrified...

"Only twenty years of normal sex life?"
Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that
Man could have no more than twenty years of
normal sex life.

Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him
twenty years. "But, I don't need twenty years,"
protested the monkey. "Ten years is plenty for
me."

Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other
ten years?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him
twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only
wanted ten years.

Again, man spoke up, "can I have the other
ten years?" The lion graciously agreed.

Then, along came a donkey and he too was given
twenty years. But, like the others, ten years
was more than sufficient. Once again, man
pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"

And so, it all makes perfect sense now. Man
has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years
of monkeying around, ten years of lion about
it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a ***** look like?"

The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"

"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.

The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"

His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Hehe :)

Here's another one. I'll write the ones about Hitler when I get the time :p

(Btw, it's kinda long and some of the answers aren't THAT funny, but some of them are so it's worth it I guess :p )



Actual Student GCSE Answers

This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants
have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my
brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very
long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100
foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of
his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all
in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about
the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain
John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from
the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity
by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided
against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the
trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half
English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his
power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any
children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for
63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death
was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin
was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of
human history.

Hope that's not too offensive. If you're easily impressed with dark humour or stuff like that, please don't read the next one ;)

Question: How many people are needed to paint red a wall that is 10m long and 2m high?

Answer: It depends on how much strenght do you use to throw them.

In the original version it was "black people", but I decided to change it. Nice, heh? :)

Q: What's the difference between Micheal Jackson and a plastic shopping bag?

A: One is made of plastic and should be kept away from small children as it may cause injury. The other is used to carry groceries. :D

A blonde decided to try horseback riding, even though she had no prior experience.

She mounted the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately sprang into motion. It galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde began to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabbed for the horse's mane, but couldn't seem to get a firm grip. She tried to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slid down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leapt away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot became entangled in the stirrup and she was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head struck the ground over and over.

As her head was battered against the ground, she was mere moments away from unconsciousness. Then, to her great fortune, the WalMart manager saw her and shut the horse off.

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an
activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him
an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood
up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick
it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way
my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and
said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply
for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The
woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to
verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left
his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but
he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go
home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She
says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have
qualified for disability, too."

A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quickly rushed to the emergency room. The doctor there told him, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"But I don't have the fingers!"

"What! You don't have the fingers!?" said the doctor, "You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsurgery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new."

"But Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

Two men were in a pub.

One man said, ''Did you know that beer contains female hormones?''

The other man said, ''No! Is it true?'' ''Yes,'' said the first man.
''If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly.''

At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call
Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention,"
he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at
the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't
realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"

In a bar one day, a pirate was talking to the bartender. The
bartender asked him, "Why do you have a peg leg?"
The pirate answered, "Back when I was sailing the seas, a big
shark noticed me swimming one day and bit off me leg."
"Well, then how did you get the hook?" the bartender asked,
pointing to the place where the pirate's left hand used to be.
The pirate responded, "Well, me crew and myself were engaged
in a rough battle one day and me hand was cut off by a slimy
coward's sword."
The bartender looked at the hook for a moment. "Well now I have
to ask how you got the eye patch."
The pirate snarled, "I looked at a gull flying overhead in the harbor
one day and it took a dump right in me eye."
The bartender was puzzled by this last explanation. "How would
that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with me hook."

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite.
Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly
unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to
gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the
camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That,
sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the
bathroom until the camp is set up."

God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had
to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on
today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have
to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!!!
Amen.

Dear Lord,
So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my
temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.
Amen.

Lol! :D I wish I knew jokes as funny as those ;)

[rant]

Anyway, you should be more careful when posting them. Go check my "hitler" joke again. It's not there. The ********* that deleted it also sent me a PM:

Quote:

---

Hitler "joke"

Please do not post that "joke" or similar jokes again

---

Well I'd like to follow Parksie's suggestion (the one in the prayer) ;) but I can't, so I'll just shut up. It seems that now we can't even post here jokes that the moderators don't like! I wonder why didn't he delete the other joke too. After all it probably was much more offensive than the one he deleted.

D*mn, it would be good to be a moderator and "moderate" the moderators' moderation posts :D

[/rant]

CHIT-CHAT MODERATION *****!!!

Even with the asterisks instead of the actual words (the first one is "moderator" and the other one I can't write here) I wouldn't be surprised if that post, or even this one, would be deleted :rolleyes:

By the way, what's the problem with that joke? Do you think it can cause any damage, or harm, to anyone?

Btw, please don't mind these posts, it's just that I'm really pissed off. You can continue posting jokes (as long as they're not "offensive" :D )

Hey, what's the difference between Command1 and the Devil?

newer magazines!

Ha Ha Ha Ha! :D :D

whats the diffenrence between...
filburt1
filburt
filburtI
filburt(etc)

....



:D

The imposters don't bug us and own Dells :D :D :D

what do you call a guy who climbs mountains?
Cliff

where is gonds? I looked on map quest but it wasn't there???

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Stefan Raab
where is gonads? I looked on map quest but it wasn't there???

---

Look southwards ;)

Quote:

---

Originally posted by jpbtennisman
The imposters don't own Dells

---

One of them does.

then look around that corner there.... then around again in a donkey 3 point turn position :p

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and .... it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and Bush are sitting there looking perplexed. Arafat is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The old woman is thinking : "Clinton must have tried to kiss that girl and has got slapped."
Clinton is thinking : "Damn it, Bush must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The girl is thinking : "Clinton must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Bush instead and got slapped."
Bush is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Clinton again."

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave
with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Go to auto parts store and write a check
for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full.
Instead of taking it backto O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back
yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for
jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink
it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot
oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil
drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver
and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with
him.
Finish oil change
tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out
from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during
step
18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to
apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a
hole in the back yard, along with drain plug
27) Drink beer
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is
now on the floor
30) Drink beer
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and
bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to
step
31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because
wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter
to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving
under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $25.00
Total-- $4150.00

-- But you know the job was done right!

Har har har ;) In my case I just wouldn't bother... ;)

Sign at a Planned Parenthood clinic: "Please use rear entry."
Sign in a health food shop window: "Closed due to illness."
Sign in an office: "After the coffee break, staff should empty the pot and stand upside down on the draining board."
Sign on a church door: "This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)"
Sign at a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor."
Sign in a Laundromat: "Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."
Sign on repair shop door: "We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesn't work)"
Sign in a safari park: "Elephants Please Stay In Your Car"
Sign in a London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: "Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of."
Outside a second-hand shop: "We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain."
Sign in a toilet in a London office block: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."
Sign in an office: "Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken."
Notice posted by a field: "Farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free. The bull charges."
Quicksand warning: "Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council."


Reasons why English is hard to learn:

The bandage was wound around the wound."
The farm was used to produce produce."
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse."
We must polish the Polish furniture."
He could lead if he would get the lead out."
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert."
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present."
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes."
I did not object to the object."
The insurance was invalid for the invalid."
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row."
They were too close to the door to close it."
The buck does funny things when the does are present."
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line."
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow."
The wind was too strong to wind the sail."
After a number of injections my jaw got number."
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear."
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests."
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at
the top of his lungs, "Seventeen! Seventeen!"

Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that. The first man responded, "It's a blast. You have to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it."

Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly.

The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher.
Yell louder."

So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush. Seventeen! Seventeen!"

The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The first
man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover out from under the second, causing him to fall down the manhole.

The first man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and screaming, "Eighteen! Eighteen!"