*Vicky swings for RSINGH but misses when he ducks, and ends up on the floor in a heap*:( Grrrr, I'll get you yet :mad: ;)
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*Vicky swings for RSINGH but misses when he ducks, and ends up on the floor in a heap*:( Grrrr, I'll get you yet :mad: ;)
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember
them.
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the ***** called? The
man.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds
mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Here we go again :rolleyes:
Why don't you make a new thread called "Hey girls let's bash man because Vicky doesn't like them" :D
Here's a non-sexist joke so we can get back to the real purpose of the thread :p
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting stewed. A
man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here
on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow
milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her
left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what happened?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left
with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and
kicked it over.
Man: Again? So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the
right.
Man: And then what?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I
got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the
bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in.
Aaaand, Who started it? Not me, I'm certain.
I think the RinoGirl should just post the url of where the jokes come from. That would save a) her cutting&pasting until eternity and b) make looking at them optional.
Is the 'P' in PMT pre- or post-... I can never remember and perhaps it makes no difference.
*whispers* Jim, be very, very careful. Rinoa (Vicky) gets tetchy when you call her Rino.
Well I'm a long way away, and she'll never reach here with a handgun. PMT or not.Quote:
Originally posted by InvisibleDuncan
*whispers* Jim, be very, very careful. Rinoa (Vicky) gets tetchy when you call her Rino.
Well, Jim Brown lived a short, but happy life. We will all miss him as he adventures into the afterlife.
Now, everyone may I make a suggestion?
RUN, before Vicky explodes.....
Hey guys, calm down, don't get ya knickers in a twist, I'm in a good mood today, so I've only got my little gun wiv me ;) Yep Jim, it's Vicky, not Rino ok? :D and P- is Pre, ok? :D Gotta go now guys
byeee
Vicky
--x--
"I say, I say I say; my dog's got no nose!"
"Oh really? How does he smell?"
All together now . . . . . .
"Awful!"
(It's da way oi tellem!)
I don't see where I called you Rino in the first place; it was RinoGirl. The RinoGirl in fact. This was a term of endearment.Quote:
Originally posted by rinoaheartilly
Hey guys, calm down, don't get ya knickers in a twist, I'm in a good mood today, so I've only got my little gun wiv me ;) Yep Jim, it's Vicky, not Rino ok? :D and P- is Pre, ok? :D Gotta go now guys
byeee
Vicky
--x--
A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten tequila slammers. The barman's thinking 'aye aye someones had a good day'. He pours the slammers and lines then up. The guy takes each one, knocks it back and shakes his head - 'bwargh'.
The barman says 'Not bad. What are you celebrating?'
'I just has my first blow job' says the guy.
'Nice one mate - in that case let me get you another on the house', says the barman.
'Sod that pal, if those ten didn't get rid of the taste, nothing will'
Ah, ok, but i still don't like ppl missing out the "a" why don't you call me Vicky instead, then u can't go wrong ;)Quote:
Originally posted by Jim Brown
I don't see where I called you Rino in the first place; it was RinoGirl. The RinoGirl in fact. This was a term of endearment.
Good to see you're fairly jolly today, Vickya. ;)
A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his trouser pockets.
On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls."
She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could
be eating a slow learner."
- Lynda Montgomery
Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory
nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then
started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country
road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that
would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded
their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large
pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road.
The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you.
One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened
to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the
boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a
moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The
cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when
they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road
and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his
son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently
and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One
for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing
the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later
as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said
to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the
road, we'll have them all."
:D
hellooo, how is everyone. (Yep, i'm in a supa mood 2day:D)
The Wrinkled Nightgown
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
Huh, Vicky... I'm not trying to spoil your good mood today, but why is it so easy for you to find sexist jokes, and so hard to find other types of jokes? :)
*crouches*
Btw... your signature might be cool, but it might give people a wrong impression about you :) Look at Pix's or Katie's signatures for example ;)
*crouches again*
:D
The wrong impression? :pQuote:
Originally posted by Jotaf98
Btw... your signature might be cool, but it might give people a wrong impression about you :)
Anyway...
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.
The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish fingers.
After an hour or so he got in the freezer with the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream.
The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."
Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."
One a teacher is taking her class in English
'Right' she says
Can anybody consruct a sentence using the word 'Contagious'
Little Jennifer puts her hand up
'Yes Jennifer' says the teacher
'I had Chicken Pox which is very Contagious'
'Very good, anybody else?'
Little Bill puts his hand up
'Yes Bill'says the teacher
'I had the Measles which is very Contagious'
'Very good, anybody else?'
Little Jimmy puts his hand up
'Yes Jimmy' says the teacher
Jimmy Says 'Our next door neighbour is building a conservatory and my dad says it's gonna take that contagious'
It's going to take that cu_nt ages....Quote:
Originally posted by Jim Brown
Well, this Jimmy says " Run that by me again, a bit more slowly this time?"
Lol nice one Arb ;) :D
Huh I didn't understand it too... in fact I didn't get those last 2 jokes :p
Well this should be intenationally understood
15 Easy Steps to Sh*t like a Woman:
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of
any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your
boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pube5 off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on
the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the
seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively
guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six
applications per roll).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell
for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass
through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments.
It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and
leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind; you.
15 Easy Steps to Sh*t like a Man:
1. Select reading material (can be anything except a p0 rn-mag; tried by
every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust pen15 and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the
toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fa rt.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first
bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and
buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to
report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour,consistency,any
visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper
before throwing it into the pan.
11. There is no need to repeat step 10 as any evidence of faeces remaining
will be removed in due course by pants.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away
by itself. Or when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use
it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
You two are a right pair of prize pilchards - how could you not get 'em!:pQuote:
Originally posted by Jotaf98
Lol nice one Arb ;) :D
Huh I didn't understand it too... in fact I didn't get those last 2 jokes :p
Anyway What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic
Com'on, not everyone in the world natively speaks English :rolleyes:
That's why I didn't get those jokes (the words were probably meant to be confused with other ones, but my vocabulary is very bad so I don't know which ones :p )
Anyway... I did get this one, and it's quite cool so here it is :D
Men And Toilets
The following is a man's explanation as to why he always makes a mess in the loo:
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's weewees have a mind of their own.
A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his weewee will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe.
I'm telling you those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire to pee, and a weewee so hard you could cut diamonds with it.
Well, no matter how hard we try, we can't get the thing to bend, and if it won't bend, we can't aim it. Well hell, if we can't aim it we have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the frigging toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress the fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then the compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning the damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weewee.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "So sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."
OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.
Now, even if we are sitting down and we can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when we start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. We pee all over the back of our knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position-- lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin. Your brother is gay and you're not. But you only have
the one ass.
Feel better?
Just kiddin with you Jotaf89 *mutters- I could have sworn this was a joke thread*:D :DQuote:
Com'on, not everyone in the world natively speaks English
What is it about women and those stupid covers anyway. As for the piss stained matching horseshoe thingy....Quote:
that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment,self-statement male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes
helloooo, how did everyone do for children in need? We raised over £500 in one afternoon
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field."
A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across
my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when
the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat
them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said, "No thanks - I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn`t like it!"
So the bartender said, "Well would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No, I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn`t like it!"
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No I don't like pool; I tried it once but I didn`t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn`t be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I presume?"
Ah so!Quote:
Originally posted by Arbiter
It's going to take that cu_nt ages....
Bit suttle for me, that one.
Quote:
Originally posted by Gary.Lowe
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin. Your brother is gay and you're not. But you only have
the one ass.
Feel better?
.... it depends on the join
RSINGH, I know it's a joke thread, I was joking too :p
Btw, I only have it as Jotaf98 because they won't let me change it to Jotaf... so just call me Jotaf or Jota or Jotuff ok? ;)
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more
fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my f**king shoes."
Lol :D
Hehe
Here's another one:
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and
diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized
she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing
young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the
first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal
integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward and
continued, "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something
about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen
thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
money."
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's
rare,but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the
worst,but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that
breaks the water with the splash less grace of an Olympic diver. But that's
not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was
totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and
you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump
is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't
matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a
malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump
Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays
with you all day, making your ring feel like a heat shield.
The Empty Roll Dump
You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty
cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could
use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then
what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the
same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your
slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash Back Dump
You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl
creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a
startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot
instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump
You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it
off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but
you've gotta do what you gotta do.
The Childbirth Dump - Also Known as The Head Nodder
This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture
provided by nature. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it
hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see
your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man
dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the
crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three
things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell you have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden
you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine
gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran,
cradling his umbrella like a rifle.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within
earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting
sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At
the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of the national anthem
3. Drop a handful of coins on the floor
The Security Dump
You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without
worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in
mid-dump. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking
place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you
can't reach...hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump
For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel
that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to
use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist
and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended,
clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the
person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump
You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has
disappeared.Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the
whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...just to make
sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you
know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the
whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is
consumer waste.
The Encore Dump
Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and
are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming.You have
to return for a curtain call.
The Born Again Dump
This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through
this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the
promise you made in desperation because a born again dump is like
childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
Top 10 of songs played on 95.8 Kabul FM on Sunday....
1. Losing my religion - REM (Raving Edict Mullah mix)
2. Unchained Mullahdy - The Self Righteous Brothers
3. Aid Drops Keep Falling on my Head - Johnny Farnham
4. Living on a Prayer mat - TaliBon Jovi
5. Tented love - Soft (Terrorist) Cell
6. Do you really want to shoot me? - Boy George Bush & Capture Club
7. Rockin Allah-ver the World - Status Quaeda
8. I'm too extremist for my turban - Right Said Mullah Mohammed Omar
9. The Ayatollah Skank - Fatwa Boy Slim
10. (Come up and find me) Mecca me smile - Steve Harley & Northern Rebel Alliance
One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together.
After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat. "What do you do?" the first man asked.
"I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man. The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived.
Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"
"Grey."
"What color siding?"
"Yellow."
"You got a silver Toyota?"
"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."
"That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"
The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blonde?"
"Yeah."
"Your buddy got black hair?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.
"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them Right now!"
The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the balls!"
The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy.This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"
Michael Barymore has a new deal with a TV station rumored to be worth £300,000.00
The new show due to start being filmed in Jan is to be called "Only pools and corpses"