b careful it can hurt. :eek:
Printable View
b careful it can hurt. :eek:
Hehe :)
Am I the only one posting jokes here?
A fellow buys a parrot, but the parrot's vocabulary is rude at
best. The Fellow tries to reform his parrot by offering tidbits,
shouts, and more, but nothing works.
Frustrated, he throws parrot into the freezer, and can still hear
insults for a few minutes. But then there is a sudden silence.
Worried that he's broken the bird, he whips open the freezer.
The parrot comes out with wholly-changed demeanor. It says:, "On
reflection, my language has been improper. I intend to change. I
beg your pardon."
There's a pause, then the parrot adds, "May I ask what, exactly,
the turkey did?"
Hey, why aren't you people posting anymore jokes? :(
The blonde reported for her University final examination which
consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the
question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin
and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the
class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am
rechecking my answers."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The
balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
them all.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately for him, there is
a pile of dog crap just inside the door and he slips in it and
falls over. He gets up, cleans himself, walks to the bar and
buys a drink.
A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile
of poop, falls, gets up, cleans himself and then buys a drink.
Trying to strike up a conversation, the little guy turns to the
big guy, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did
that."
The big guy punched him in the mouth.
Hehe here's another one, it's quite funny :D
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya
doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must
come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes
with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts
screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like
you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."
Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really
knew very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her
a third degree examination.
"How old are you?" he asked.
"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.
"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"
"That's not your business either, young man."
The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then, can you
tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"
Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says his
buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you
everything
you want to know."
Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her
driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells.
"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective,
"but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh
145
pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."
Hehe cool :)
It could be worse: she could have (accidentaly) made a minus sign next to the F :D
Btw, I can't post in the next 8 days cuz of a major boyscout activity. Don't let the thread die meanwhile! ;)
HEY!!! I leave this thread for 8 days and you do nothing to keep it alive? :(
Spetnik, you should be ashamed of yourself! :mad:
Anyway...
The following are actual statements seen on various church
bulletins:
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.
is done.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
recession.
Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30
p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited
to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special
thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole
evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of
Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs.
Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a
full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, What Do I See Here?" Preacher: The Rev.
Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! An Awful Voice Is Sounding"
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD.
Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.
8 new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door
at the side entrance.
This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks
into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy
armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and
asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on
the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a
drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After
she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and
points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit
and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and
says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches
the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to
buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her
leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying
a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the
president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a
lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The
bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto
his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying
so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never
win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are
not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as
a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked
them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his
balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the
lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the
president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet
again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could
all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000
is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What
the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am
today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
In March 1992, a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts
received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he
owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he
received another and threw that one away too. The following
month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating
they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00
by return of post. He called them and talked to them about the
problem. They said it was a computer error and told him they'd
take care of it.
The following month our hero decided that it was about time that
he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there
were purchases on his account he could end this ridiculous
predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his
credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card
had been cancelled.
He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer
error once again and said that they would take care of it. The
next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue. Having spoken to the credit card company the previous
day, he assumed the latest bill was yet another mistake he
ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their
word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10
days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps
to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play
the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00.
The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement.
It reported that he now owed the credit card company nothing at
all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was
doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the
bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check
processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY
checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for
$0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit
card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now
owed them $0.00. Furthermore, unless he sent a check by return
of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for
their anniversary, bought her a typewriter instead.
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he
got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said,
"No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12
prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the
door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He
then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I
consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts
and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he
asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it
a service to the country."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12
Senators in front of the door.
I heard that one before, and it is still funny. :)
Variations On Murphy's Law:
1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a
urologist.
2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people,
they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the
tiger starves last.
4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you
had better let him lead.
5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a
mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is
faster.
7. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you
look.
8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't
have to do it himself.
9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed.
10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work
in the past tense.
11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who
knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.
15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.
18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way
programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came
along would have destroyed civilization.
Which one? :D
Which one are you talking about? :)Quote:
I heard that one before, and it is still funny. :)
Come on, guys (and gals!)!
If you stop posting here, I'll stop posting too.
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests
came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George,
everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and
emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a
good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of
the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I
pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great.
But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with
God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the
light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes
off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"
Women's Clever Answers To Pick-Up Lines
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a
rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one ******* in there."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter."
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop."
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same
reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner,
enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but
she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman,
introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting
on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come
walk
by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started
to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with
another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came
home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his
seeing-eye dog in the ass."
Real Signs On Church Property:
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands
holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed
& a headline that reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two
tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big
sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays." The church
reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing
at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the
pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is
postponed."
People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before
you know how strong they are.
God so loved the world that he did not send a committee.
Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.
How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Nonsmoking?
Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and
the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this
world.
It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal
fire insurance soon.
This is a CH_ _ CH. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
In the dark? Follow the Son.
Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
How Not To Commit A Bank Robbery
Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a
number of would-be bank robbers.
Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim,
CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business
and had no money.
Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield,
Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk
took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his
gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the
guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.
Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and
her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape
about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until
authorities arrived.
Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued
in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East
Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving
the robber's signature and account number.
Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from
her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while
holding up banks.
Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran
face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to
be positively identified by lip-print.
Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong
turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military
police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the
security men money.
Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire,
Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape
through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour
traffic until police arrived.
Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber,
while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket,
shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea,
Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money,
fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His
getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she
is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When
he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with
her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask
this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner
would be ready in just a couple of secs."
BTW, how do you see how much posts someone has in a thread without counting manually? I think I saw that on another thread or something...
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on
the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to
tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the
address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas
camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was
a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I
want to tell you, it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
Is it just me or everyone clicked the "unsubscribe thread" button?!
If I'm causing the death of this thread, just say it and I'll leave - the same happened to the "here's an idea" thread (does anyone here remember that? The "Once uppon a time" story?) :)
hi
How are you ?
Black holes are where God divides by zero.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, how come you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable ... except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
:D
Hehe lol :)
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was
not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out
for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not
what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied
a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard
for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were
waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was
exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already
working on a murder case!"
A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a naked young woman
on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I'm a snail," the man replied.
"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've
got is that naked young woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong," the man replied, "That's Michelle."
A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly
Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it
easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said, "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?", said Saint Peter.
Then She started to sing, "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me..."
Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed
to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the
mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly
what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin,
twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them
up yet."
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that
had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull
mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated
50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times
last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times
last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times
last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last
year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times
with the same cow."
Now, I think we have a more appropriate title :D
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon
a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my
friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll
see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the
joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says,
"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come
running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses
them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my
friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us
through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him,
puts down his needle, and starts to beat the **** out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little ****er makes me run around the forest like an
idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going
to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and
all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good
people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering
you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered
the specifications for the ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints, "I'm your man."
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You
better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long
time!"
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began
to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in
his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there
were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for
the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code.
So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into
a long argument with him about whether to include a
fire-sprinkler system."
"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get
a variance from the city planning board."
"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and
Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an
animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of
each kind."
"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the
idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme
Being."
"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plan. I sent them a globe!"
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire."
"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I
owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the
ark in less than five years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy
the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."
Hey, would you mind if I post here some really cool jokes I know about the nazis? :)
They're really short so I guess I can write them all in one post ;)
I don't, as long as it's tasteful...
Here goes another one that I found on the net :)
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a
vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife
a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had
passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at
the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in
a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and
saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL
TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to
the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his
head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm
soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure
he's dead."
... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on
the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
ROTFLMAO