I also looked into a carreer as a bread maker but I didn't want the reputation.....
everyone would call me a loafer:eek:
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I also looked into a carreer as a bread maker but I didn't want the reputation.....
everyone would call me a loafer:eek:
You don't always have to stand out and be the topic................just join in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Quote:
Originally posted by ghost ryder
*still drowning in the crowd
Tell a joke! Just make sure it's a bad one.......groaners only!!!
You are so stupid that you took a ruler with you to bed to see how long you slept
I went to the market to get three steaks for my mother-in-law
but they told me I'd have to keep her.
Three guys were at the Pearly Gates when Peter answered. He said there was one space open for someone. He asked them how they died.
"I came home one day and saw my wife in bed, naked. I looked all over the house and decided to check the balcony. I saw some fingers so I took a hammer and hit his fingers but a bush broke his fall so I took my fridge and threw it on him. But I felt so bad for killing a man that I killed myself."
"I was painting on the 37th floor, when I slipped and fell. I was holding on to a balcony, when some guy hit me on the fingers with a hammer so I fell, and then dropped a fridge on me."
"I was hiding innnocently in the fridge."
My mother-in-law knitted my son three socks for Christmas.............
she heard he had grown a foot since she saw him last.
Q: What do a hemophiliac and a virgin have in common?
A: One ***** and they're done
A haggard old lady was riding in a posh hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She says arrogantly to the old lady, ''Georgio, $100 an ounce''.
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, ''Chanel, $150 an ounce.''
The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, ''Broccoli, 49 cents a pound.
What does a fish smoke?
Sea weed
Why doesn't a woman need a car?
Because you don't need a car to get from the bedroom to the kitchen.
What it, King of Cool.................your crown is slipping!:eek: :pQuote:
Originally posted by chrisjk
Why doesn't a woman need a car?
Because you don't need a car to get from the bedroom to the kitchen.
katie- not tryin 2 be the stand out, im just depressed, plus i got ignored somewhere earlier (i think)
and here we go....
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin
of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister
asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every
hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
im going now, ill be back soon
Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky in his new Mercedes. He stopped at a small gas station and asked the mechanic if he could get his oil changed.
"Why sure," the mechanic said, not seeming to recognize the golf star.
About thirty minutes later the oil change is complete. As Tiger started to back the car out, the mechanic noticed some buttons on the dashboard and asked Tiger what they were for.
Tiger looked down at the tees on his dash and says, "Those are what I put my balls on."
The old man replied, "Boy oh Boy, those Germans think of everything, don't they!"
Don't blame me! it's the random joke generators fault! ;)Quote:
What it, King of Cool.................your crown is slipping
Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike?
A: It was going too fast for her to get on.
What do you call a hooker in Alaska?
A frostitute
I'm going to go get myself some food before I become grouchy............we wouldn't want that now would we?????
Be back soon!
ohh no ;)
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
Three men were fishing in a boat, all of a sudden,
one of the guys thought he got a bite and realed
in a Genie's Lamp. He rubbed off the seaweed and
a Genie popped out. "Since there are 3 of you, I
will give you each one wish!" said the Genie. The
1st guy says "I want to be 100 times smarter than
I am right now" Poof! and he started rattling off
all these math problems that he never knew before.
The 2nd guy says, "Well, I want to be 100 times
smarter than him (#1)" Poof! he starts rattling
off all these Calculas problems that the other
guy didn't know. The 3rd guy says "Well, I wanna
be 1000 times smarter than both of them put
togather!" Poof! and the Genie turned him into a
Woman!!!!!!
:rolleyes:
A teacher, a petty thief and a lawyer all died and
went to the Pearly Gates.
Because of crowding, St. Peter told them they had
to pass a test before ascending any further.
Adressing The teacher, he asked, "What was the
name of the famous ship that hit an iceburg and
sank?"
"The Titanic," she answered and St. Peter motioned
her into heaven.
The thief was next. "How many people died on that
ship?" St. Peter asked.
"Gee, that's tough," the man replied. "But luckily
I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500."
St. Peter let him through.
Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
"Name them."
:D:D
A man walks into a bar one afternoon and says to
the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano player
needed,' and I want you to know I'm your man. I
packed them in down there at the Cadillac Club
until the IRS shut the place down. Not only that,
I write ALL my own material so you won't ever
have to worry about paying royalties to ASCAP or
BMI."
"You see the piano." said the manager, "Play me a
tune." The piano player rocked out with a
boogie-woogie that had the manager stomping his
feet. "That was great," he said, "What do you
call it?"
"I call it 'Let me **** you in the Ass Until your
Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist.
"Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly
is an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another
one."
The piano player played a haunting melody that
brought tears to the manager's eyes it was so
beautiful. "What do you call that tune?" said
the manager.
"I call it 'Open your Mouth Wide and Swallow it
ALL When I Come.'" said the pianist. The manager
replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to
hire you, but would you be terribly offended if
I asked you not to announce the titles to your
compositions?"
"Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay,
I'll play."
That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano
player did his first set. When they finally let
him take a break, he rushed to the john for a
long overdue piss. On the way out, one of the
patrons button-holed him and said, "Wow! you
play great!! But tell me, do you know your fly's
open and your ***** is hanging out?"
"Know it? HELL...I wrote it!"
Did you hear about the gay fellow who put a
nicotine patch on his pecker?
Well he is down to two butts a day.
Hehehe....that's it Dennis....stick to the classics:D
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the
bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come
out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you
are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!
****
What is similar between a UFO and a smart blonde?
You always hear about them, but never see one.
Second new addition to the periodic table of elements:
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize
by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software,
severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1, PotentialBoyfriend
6.0 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3,
SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0
no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances
will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running
Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only
limited effectiveness.
Can you help, please!!
Sincerely,
XXX
Dear XXX:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to
a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband
1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator
to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your
system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is
gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files
from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed
once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages
are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of
their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work,
some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However,
these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.” You will notice
that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I
recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange
and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company
as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL
responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To
activate this great feature enter the command: “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”.
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more
serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command
before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer
6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files
and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself
some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all
the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction,
these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After
several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will
find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings2.1, Snuggling
4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband
1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
A "don't remind me again" button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the "headache" file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
VIRUS ALERT
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy began: "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
Lucy was next: "Our family are farmers too. But we raise our chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is: Don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Lucy," said the teacher. "Now, Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Auntie Kate.
Auntie Kate was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane
got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun before it ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Don't f*k with Auntie Kate when she's been drinking."
LOL :D
:eek:
A man was having problems with premature
ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his
problem. In response the doctor said, "When you
feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try
startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and
bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to
try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on
her husband. As the two begin, they find
themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments
later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires
the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man
answered, "Not that well...when I fired the
pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches
off my ***** and my neighbor came out of the
closet naked with his hands in the air!"
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us
do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.
We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick
there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ...with or without the government's help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.
Paranoids are people, too; they have
their own problems.
It's easy to criticize, but if everybody
hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A guy comes up to a woman at the office and he
tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman
immediately goes to her supervisor to file a
sexual harassment suit. The supervisor says,
"What’s wrong with someone telling you that your
hair smells nice"? The woman replies, "he’s a
midget".
:D LOL
A guy walks into a bar with a pet
alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons. "I'll make you a
deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth
and place my genitals inside. Then the
gator will close his mouth for one
minute. He'll then open his mouth and
I'll remove my unit unscratched. In
return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The
man stood up on the bar, dropped his
pants, and placed his privates in the
alligator's open mouth. The gator closed
his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on
the top of it's head. The crowd cheered
and the first of his free drinks was
delivered.
The man stood up again and made another
offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try". A hush fell
over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back
of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke
up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to
hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
Women are So Bright!
We got off the Titanic first.
~~@~~
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.
~~@~~
Taxis stop for us.
~~@~~
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
~~@~~
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
~~@~~
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
~~@~~
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
~~@~~
We can congratulate our team mate without ever touching
her rear.
~~@~~
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure
our privates are still there.
~~@~~
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
~~@~~
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having
to picture them naked.
~~@~~
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we
look like an idiot.
~~@~~
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
~~@~~
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
~~@~~
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
~~@~~
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence,
because they aren't listening
anyway.
~~@~~
im back, and im still depressed :(
but on the plus side i have a joke...
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was Absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...
(Get ready, it's good...Scroll down...)
wait for it...........................................
wait.....................................
.... "I can see Clearly now. Lorraine has gone"
Yikes!!!!!!!!! That was definitley a groaner!!:D
yup, its sho is
god im still depressed, WHY?!?!?!? i dont even know why :(:(:(
Cheer up Ghost, give us a smile :)