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A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite.
Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly
unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to
gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the
camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That,
sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the
bathroom until the camp is set up."
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had
to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on
today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have
to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!!!
Amen.
Dear Lord,
So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my
temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.
Amen.
Lol! :D I wish I knew jokes as funny as those ;)
[rant]
Anyway, you should be more careful when posting them. Go check my "hitler" joke again. It's not there. The ********* that deleted it also sent me a PM:
Well I'd like to follow Parksie's suggestion (the one in the prayer) ;) but I can't, so I'll just shut up. It seems that now we can't even post here jokes that the moderators don't like! I wonder why didn't he delete the other joke too. After all it probably was much more offensive than the one he deleted.Quote:
Hitler "joke"
Please do not post that "joke" or similar jokes again
D*mn, it would be good to be a moderator and "moderate" the moderators' moderation posts :D
[/rant]
CHIT-CHAT MODERATION *****!!!
Even with the asterisks instead of the actual words (the first one is "moderator" and the other one I can't write here) I wouldn't be surprised if that post, or even this one, would be deleted :rolleyes:
By the way, what's the problem with that joke? Do you think it can cause any damage, or harm, to anyone?
Btw, please don't mind these posts, it's just that I'm really pissed off. You can continue posting jokes (as long as they're not "offensive" :D )
Hey, what's the difference between Command1 and the Devil?
newer magazines!
Ha Ha Ha Ha! :D :D
whats the diffenrence between...
filburt1
filburt
filburtI
filburt(etc)
....
:D
The imposters don't bug us and own Dells :D :D :D
what do you call a guy who climbs mountains?
Cliff
where is gonds? I looked on map quest but it wasn't there???
Look southwards ;)Quote:
Originally posted by Stefan Raab
where is gonads? I looked on map quest but it wasn't there???
One of them does.Quote:
Originally posted by jpbtennisman
The imposters don't own Dells
then look around that corner there.... then around again in a donkey 3 point turn position :p
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and .... it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and Bush are sitting there looking perplexed. Arafat is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking : "Clinton must have tried to kiss that girl and has got slapped."
Clinton is thinking : "Damn it, Bush must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The girl is thinking : "Clinton must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Bush instead and got slapped."
Bush is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Clinton again."
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave
with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check
for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full.
Instead of taking it backto O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back
yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for
jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink
it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot
oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil
drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver
and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with
him.
Finish oil change
tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out
from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during
step
18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to
apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a
hole in the back yard, along with drain plug
27) Drink beer
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is
now on the floor
30) Drink beer
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and
bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to
step
31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because
wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter
to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving
under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $25.00
Total-- $4150.00
-- But you know the job was done right!
Har har har ;) In my case I just wouldn't bother... ;)
Sign at a Planned Parenthood clinic: "Please use rear entry."
Sign in a health food shop window: "Closed due to illness."
Sign in an office: "After the coffee break, staff should empty the pot and stand upside down on the draining board."
Sign on a church door: "This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)"
Sign at a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor."
Sign in a Laundromat: "Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."
Sign on repair shop door: "We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesn't work)"
Sign in a safari park: "Elephants Please Stay In Your Car"
Sign in a London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: "Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of."
Outside a second-hand shop: "We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain."
Sign in a toilet in a London office block: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."
Sign in an office: "Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken."
Notice posted by a field: "Farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free. The bull charges."
Quicksand warning: "Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council."
Reasons why English is hard to learn:
The bandage was wound around the wound."
The farm was used to produce produce."
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse."
We must polish the Polish furniture."
He could lead if he would get the lead out."
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert."
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present."
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes."
I did not object to the object."
The insurance was invalid for the invalid."
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row."
They were too close to the door to close it."
The buck does funny things when the does are present."
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line."
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow."
The wind was too strong to wind the sail."
After a number of injections my jaw got number."
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear."
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests."
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at
the top of his lungs, "Seventeen! Seventeen!"
Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that. The first man responded, "It's a blast. You have to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it."
Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly.
The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher.
Yell louder."
So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush. Seventeen! Seventeen!"
The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The first
man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover out from under the second, causing him to fall down the manhole.
The first man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and screaming, "Eighteen! Eighteen!"
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get
paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
Btw, the superman position is not the only way, my friends told me that singing the national hymn works too :)
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record
of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke
when a newspaper began keeping a record
of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred
times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One
blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous
position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
There was a little boy who had a very gifted mind. When he was about 12 his dad passed away. Like many children he wondered from time to time whether his dad went to heaven or elsewhere. The question continued to surface throughout the years. Eventually this gifted youngster graduated at the head of his class at MIT with dual BS, MS and PhD degrees in electrical engineering and computer science. Subsequently, he went to work for a firm that had the most powerful, complex, sophisticated computer that one could possibly imagine. Even
with his superior intelligence, he was amazed at what the computer would do. It never failed any task assigned to it. One day during lunch hour the question regarding his father surfaced once again. He thought: "Oh, what the heck!" , sat down at the console and typed in the following question: "Where is my father?" After a few seconds of computing, the computer produced a printed report which read: "Your father is fishing in the Bahamas." The young man was shocked. "This thing has never failed me before!" he thought. He decided to give it another try and got the same response. He was totally frustrated.
Then he thought: "Wait a minute! Computers work on logic and I'm not asking a logical question." He thought for a few minutes and typed in the following question: "Where is my mother's husband." After several seconds of computing the printer produced the following response: "Your mother's husband died in 1977 and went to heaven. And your father's still fishing in the Bahamas!".
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village
when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat
were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on
the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The
Mexican replied, "Only a little while, Senor."
The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more
fish?"
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and
busy life, Senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should
spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the
proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a
middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your
own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to
Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding
enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But Senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, Senor?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is
right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public
and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, Senor? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing
village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take
siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could
sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
Dave walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you something that you think is incredible, can I have free drinks tonight?"
The bartender agrees.
Dave then pulls a man who is 15 inches tall and a toy piano out of his bag. The man sits at the piano and plays beautiful music for ten minutes.
The bartender hands dave his first drink and says, "Wow! where did you get that?"
"Well, " said Dave, "I was walking on the beach pissed about getting dumped by my girl friend. I saw a can of Budweiser on the ground, picked it up, and started rubbing it absentmindedly. Suddenly, a ragged genie pops out. 'Hi,' he said, 'I'm the economy genie. You get one wish.'
"And this man appeared right in front of me."
"WOW!" the bartender exclaimed. "You don't have that can with you, do you?"
Dave then pulls the can out of his bag. "Here, try it."
So the bartender rubs, and sure enough, the genie pops out. "Hi," he said, "I'm the economy genie. You get one wish."
"Gimme a million bucks," said the bartender.
Just then, the bar is filled with a million ducks, flapping their wings and quacking. Over the noise, the bartender shouts at Dave, "What the hell is wrong with this guy? I asked for money, not ducks!!!!"
Dave answered, "Do you really think I wished for a 15 inch pianist???"
:D
Hehe that last one is cool :)
Try posting here only good jokes and not everything you find ok? ;)
sure, but i need some help ;)
Yeah, give me some good sites and I'll start digging for jokes ok? ;)
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the
river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find
Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and
says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time,
brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you
found
Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is
where
he fell in?"
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a class on observation. He took out a
jar
of yellow liquid.
"This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of
color,
smell, sight, and taste."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth.
His
class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that
they
were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar
and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had
been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar
and my third finger into my mouth."
A couple was invited to a Halloween party on the day of the
party the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband
to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed and she took
some aspirin and went to bed.
Later she awoke and felt great so she decided to go to the
party to see just what hubby does when she isn't around. So
she put on her costume and went to the party.
When she arrived she noticed her husband on the dance floor
dancing with every good looking female in the place. He was
copping a feel whenever he could.
She then cut in to the dance circle, and rubbing close to him,
let him grab and feel her all over. When the song ended he
leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So
the two costumed characters snuck off and got busy in one of
the parked cars.
Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she
slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.
When he arrived at home she asked, "How was the party? Did you
meet any interesting people?"
He replied, ''You know me, dear. I dont have any fun when you're
not with me. I ran into a few freinds and we ended up in the
basement playing poker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy
I loaned my costume to had the time of his life!"
On Marriage: One-Liners
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She
said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for
success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving
woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul
Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The
other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife
did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful.
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants
"more than 100%."
Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can
achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that
might prove helpful in the future. How does one
achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.
IF :
A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
D = 4
E = 5
F = 6
G = 7
H = 8
I = 9
J = 10
K = 11
L = 12
M = 13
N = 14
O = 15
P = 16
Q = 17
R = 18
S = 19
T = 20
U = 21
V = 22
W = 23
X = 24
Y = 25
Z = 26
Then:
H A R D W O R K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%
Similarly,
K N O W L E D G E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%
But interesting (and as you'd expect),
A T T I T U D E =
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you
achieve 100% in LIFE.
But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is
B U L L S H I T =
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So now you know what all those high-priced
consultants, upper management, and motivational
speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!
If this post is in any way offensive, please PM me, and I will edit it.
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your
secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island
driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between
you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled
in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
"going with the flow."
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance
you have of getting hit.
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensurhat your
ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance
to stretch your legs.
Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful
information. They are only there to make Long Island look
high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police
radar car parked on the median.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions,
and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident,
or even if someone is just changing a tire.
Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and
gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed
may be followed in the event you need to make up a few
minutes on your way to work, or the beach.
Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any
of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are
God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body
shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.