nope. i just wanna have fun, i don't like being serious if i don;t have 2 be, cos it's boring:p
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nope. i just wanna have fun, i don't like being serious if i don;t have 2 be, cos it's boring:p
If fathers have Fathers' day and Mothers have Mothering Sunday, what do single blokes get??
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Palm Sunday
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
How do you make 12 pounds of fat look attractive?
Put a nipple on it.
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"
These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right
after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by
chance all came home at about the same time.
The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You
know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all
messed up."
The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You
know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup
all smeared."
The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say
a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed
her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a
loud thud!
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"
Signs You Have a Hangover
1. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up
50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden...
Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss
Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
Mine his bathroom.
Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".
Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
ouchQuote:
Originally posted by nabeels786
a man walked into a bar...
A man walked into me
*slap*
I am NOT a rhino (no, you can't spell). My(screen) name is Rinoa. Easy. RIN-O-A Can you say that? or is it a little hard for you? I suppose you can't handle the hard aspects of life. Not even my NAME
:( I'm sorry, I guess I'm kinda touchy, huh? I'm kinda mad, cos I'm ill and can't go out anywhere :( Poor me (come on, thats your cue to pat me on the back and say poor Rinoa, don't worry) ;)
:) don't worry - I could see you hanging around the edges and chucking great jokes in so I thought you might need encouraging in to meet the motley bunch. Why don't you come into the other chats in chit-chat. Post race is a good one - you'll see ;)Quote:
Originally posted by rinoaheartilly
. . .I'm ill and can't go out anywhere :( Poor me (come on, thats your cue to pat me on the back and say poor Rinoa, don't worry) ;)
[zap]Unrhino[/zap]
Call me Vicky if you want ;). Thanks a lot, i've been to post race a few days ago, but it's too hard to follow when your head is as bad as mine :(. I'm so tired :S I still have a Welsh essay to write :(, and i'm dozing off. My lecturer is gonna go ballistic with me :(
ballistic - very mad/angry/ starts screaming at me etc.
Good morning :)
. . . did you get the Welsh essay done?Quote:
Originally posted by rinoaheartilly
ballistic - very mad/angry/ starts screaming at me etc.
Good morning :)
Yep, I got it done, thank you :) I'm a lot better now :D I'm in my computing lecture right now, so any tips 4 VB?
vb :confused: VB :confused: :confused: what's that nah . . must be the wrong forum . . .:(Quote:
Originally posted by rinoaheartilly
u got it :) i'm in my computing lecture @ the mo. any tips for VB?
:D
Yah, i probably am in da wrong forum.U kno me (i fink) the crazE 1 ;)Quote:
Originally posted by Kzin
vb :confused: VB :confused: :confused: what's that nah . . must be the wrong forum . . .:(
:D
I think I'd better get this thread back on the right track - so here goes.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he makes his move.
"No thank you," she says politely."This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replies.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she says. "But it has my husband pretty upset."
How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
I'm sorry, i'll do better next time.Quote:
Originally posted by honeybee
shhhhh!! The mods are watching!!!
And besides, members here in Chit Chat are very sensitive over such issues. Don't even dare post a VB question here!!
;) That was too harsh, and we did manage to have a couple of VB threads here in Chit Chat, but sincerely you need to post things in the proper forums.
.
Sorry, i put that there cos my lecturer was looking at my moniter he he he. oops;) he doens't mind me surfing the net, but he might get a bit cranky . . . lol ;)
Three little old ladies are sitting in a restaurant one day, talking
about this and that. The first lady said, "You know, I'm really getting forgetful. This morning I was standing at the bottom of the stairs and I couldn't remember if I was just about to go up or if I had just come down."
"Oh, that's nothing," the second lady said. "The other day I was
sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to bed or if I had just gotten up."
The third lady smiled pleasantly at the other two. "Well, my memory is just as good as ever, knock on wood."
She rapped on the table with her knuckles, then gave a start and said, "Who's there?"
I WISH I WAS A BEAR!
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself into a stupor.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.
Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up.
He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I wish I was a bear.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
8. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
9. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
10. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the
bathroom, in stall #3."
11.Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
12.Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
13. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!", "3rd time this week!!!"
14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
15.Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
16. Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
17. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
18. Don't use any punctuation marks
19. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
20. Sing along at the opera.
21. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
50 things to do in a lift
1. Crouch in 1 corner and grow menacingly at anyone who gets on.
2. As the lift is going up jump violently up and down while shouting down "I said Dammit!!"
3. Laugh hysterically for 5 seconds, stop then glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
4.Start brushing invisible bugs off your arms screaming "AAAAGGGHHH get them off!!!!"
5. When the lift is silent, look around and say "Is that your beeper?"
6. Leave a box between the doors.
7. Grimace Painfully whilst smacking your head and muttering "Shut up dammit all of you shut up!"
8. When at least 8 people have got on moan fro m the back "Oh No, not now! Damn motion sickness!"
9. Meow occasionally.
10. Listen to the walls with a stephoscope.
11. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the other passengers.
12. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a small world' over and over.
13. Shave your Legs/Face/Armpits.
14. Crack open your briefcase or purse and say while peering inside, "Got enough air in there?"
15. Offer a lick of your lollipop to all the other passengers.
16. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, against the wall not getting off.
17. Lean over to another passenger and whisper "I'm so glad to be out of that darn mental hospital!"
18. Wear normal 3D glasses but tell the other passengers that you can see them naked!
19. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
20. Blow spit bubbles.
21. Burp and then say "mmmm.......tasty!"
22. Stare at another passenger for a while then say, "Your one of THEM!" and then backing away slowly.
23. Make explosion noises when someone presses a button.
24. Take a camera and take pictures of everyone on the lift.
25. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
26. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, then go back for more.
27. When there is only one other person in the lift tap them on a shoulder then pretend it wasn't you!
28. Make Race car noises whenever anyone gets on or off.
29. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
30. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the lift.
31. Offer name tags to everyone getting in the lift. Wear yours Upside-Down.
32. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrased when the open by themselves.
33. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
34. Greet everyone coming in witha warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
35. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny that you dropped down the shaft go 'Plink' at the bottom!
36. Do Tai Chi exercises.
37. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
38. Bet the other passengers that you can fitt a 5p coin up your nose.
39. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the buttons for them.
40. Wear a puppet on yoour hand and talk to all the other passengers 'through' it!
41. Start a sing - along.
42. When the elevater is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your phone?"
43. Play the harmonica.
44. Say 'Ding' at each floor.
45. Lean against the button panel.
46. Say: "I wonder what all these do!" and push all the red buttons.
47. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to all the other passengers that this is your 'Personal Space'.
48. Bring a chair along.
49. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
50.Announce in a demonic voice : " I must find a new body host!"
You've gotta try doing some of these :D. I tried one or two, and you won't believe how funny some people's reactions are lol :D:D:D :D :D :D :D
U HAVE GOTTA CHECK THIS 1 OUT:- http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/george_white.cfm
pants, cant see that site - it's blocked by our firewall :(
never mind, time for more sexism... :eek:
25 GOOD REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE
YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
12. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.
13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.
14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.
21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.
23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.
1. What can a bird do that a man can't? Whistle through his pecker.
2. Why did the man cross the road? Because he heard the chicken was a slut.
3. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time!
4. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions.
5. Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have a ***** to keep them in!
6. What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who end up playing with them.
7. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their ******* and they vapor-lock!
8. Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love.
9. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
10. Why did God create a man before a women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
11. Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? So he can tell if he's coming or going.
12. Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus? It turns your hard drive into a three and a half inch floppy.
God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?" "Well ... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... "You know, woman to woman."
Men Are Like
... Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
... Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
... Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
... Curling Irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.
... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is a feather, perverted is the whole chicken.
MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet) For Men
Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for *******)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favourable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects
(which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favourable reaction style.
Uses :
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.
Why Cookie Dough Is Better Than A Man
It's enjoyable soft or hard.
It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
You always want to swallow.
It won't complain if you share it with your friends.
It's quick and convenient.
You can enjoy it more than once.
It comes already protectively wrapped.
You can make it as large as you want.
If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
It's easier to get the kind you want.
You can comparison shop.
It's easier to find in a grocery store.
You can put it away when you've had enough.
You know yours has never been eaten before.
It won't complain if you chew on it.
It comes chocolate flavoured.
You always know when to get rid of it.
You can return it---satisfaction guaranteed.
It's always ready to go.
You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
It won't wake you up because it's hard.
You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're
bragging.
It won't take up room in your bed.
It's easy to pick up.
You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
You know what the extra weight is from.
It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
It is very pliable.
How Dogs And Men Are The Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Neither does any dishes.
11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
12. Both like dominance games.
13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
15. Neither understands what you see in cats.
Why Does He Always Have To...
Be dressed and ready to go before you are?
Put ketchup on everything except rice pudding?
Get off the phone in a microsecond if he answers when your mother calls?
Pretend he likes stars like Julia Roberts and Sharon Stone because of their acting ability?
Drive 20 miles over the speed limit?
Act as if his razor is priceless and should never be touched?
Toss change, keys, credit cards, on the dresser, no matter how many charming containers you provide?
Hand you the "living section" when you ask for part of the paper?
Make elaborate snacks the minute you've finished cleaning the kitchen?
Be such a charmer with your best friend after you've privately told her what a beast he's been all week?
Drink milk from the carton with great gusto?
Not understand the "toilet-seat thing"?
Assume you will take care of gifts, cards, and flowers for his family?
Want you to make a fuss when he does some little household chore unasked?
Say "I am listening to you" when he's not?
Get lost rather than ask directions?
Wait until you are dressed and made-up to suggest a quickie?
Put clothes on top of the hamper instead of in it?
Talk obsessively about traffic and traffic routes with other men (as in, "Did you take Route Seven?" "The Taconic was bumper-to-bumper").
Wash all the dishes in the sink, but leave the big, dirty pots and pans for you?
Be convinced, no matter what you tell him, bigger is better?
Stand at the refrigerator, shouting, "Honey, where's the mustard?" when it's right in front of him?
Turn the volume way down on the TV or stereo if he feels like talking, as if you weren't really listening anyway?
Spend hours measuring and making minute pencil marks on the wall when you ask him to hang up a few framed photos, then plop on the couch for the rest of the weekend with the weariness of a man who's just single-handedly built the railroad?
Take charge of everybody's automatic window buttons in the car?
Say "I'm starving" the minute you walk in the door?
Revert to the age of two during minor illnesses...as in: "Bring me home-made lemonade with lots of ice and a bendy straw!" or "People have actually died from a sprained toe, ya know!"?
Hit the shower immediately after sex?
Be sent to the store with a detailed grocery list and return with four six-packs, an economy-size bag of generic taco chips, and twelve Popsicles?
Constantly ask, "Where'd I put my keys? as though you watch his every move?
Complain there's nothing on TV but continue to watch (and channel surf) for the rest of the evening?
Observe that you have a closet full of stuff you never wear just as you're leaving to go shopping?
Leave his shoes in the living room?
Eat the last piece of leftover chicken and stick the saran-wrapped empty plate back in the fridge?
Readjust himself (private parts) in front of you as if you're not looking?
Forget to zip his fly?
Accuse you of having PMT?
Hold an umbrella over you so that the rain invariably drips down your neck?
Tell you to "Shhh" until the next commercial - even if what you have to say is important?
Make horrible little hissing sounds when he's bored?