Post Race!

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Column 1 Column 2 Column 3

0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency

The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
-- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"

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I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
-- Steven Wright

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Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
-- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"

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God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."

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True transcript from court record:

Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?

A: Closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

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It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.

Especially in a paternity hearing.

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Confucious say:
man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
get exhausted.

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A young soldier and his commanding officer board
a train headed through the mountains of
Switzerland. They can't find a place to sit
accept for two seats right across the aisle from
a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman
and the young soldier are interested in each
because they are giving each other "looks."

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is
pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a
kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four
sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was
very brash for that young soldier to kiss my
granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer is setting there thinking:
"I didn't know the young soldier was brave enough
to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't
missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm
glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my
grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young soldier sat there with a satisfied
smile on his face. He thought to himself:
"Life is good. When does a fellow have the
chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his
commanding officer all at the same time!"

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A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
your birthday when you never look any older?"

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You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women.
It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with
a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.

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Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet
sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then
I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Jack Handy

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd
like some fries"

The girl at the counter said "Would you like
some fries with that"

Jay Leno

Q: What is the difference between your wife and
the washing maching?

A: You don't have to hug the washing machine
after you drop a load in it.

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Falling in Love
When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
good idea to check with your doctor.
-- Dave Barry

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What's the difference between a woman and a lady?

A lady goes out on a date, goes home and goes to
bed.

A woman goes out on a date, goes to bed then
goes home.

It's not true that married men live longer than
single men. It only seems longer.

Q. What is the difference between the skirt
and the sky?






A. The sky covers the whole universe and
the skirt covers the universal hole.

Q. Whats the difference between a Fox and a Pig?

A. A twelve pack.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all
-money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love
of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all
gone!'

'What happened?' asked the friend.

'My wife found out...'

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A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while
the policeman searches you.

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I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

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Once was a hooker named Gail,
Busted and sent-off to jail,
She liked the jailer,
He wanted to nail her,
So Gail made bail with her tail.

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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of
money was talking to his lawyer.

"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of
cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical
behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him
against you. He might even hold you in contempt
of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at
the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a
decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to
his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars.
It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd
sent them."

"But I did send them."

"What?? You did???"

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but
enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

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Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
20,000 women.
-- Lank and Earl

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A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on
a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000
Cash Prize! See bartender for details." Keeping
one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over
and asks the bartender what he has to do to win
the prize. "You have to do three things and it's
all yours," the bartender says. "Just three
things?"

The guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining
about walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. "What
are the three things?" "Well," the bartender
says, "first you have to go over to that 200
pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I've
got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who
needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and
make the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs go
nuts."

"No problem," the guy says. He struts over
to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal yourshoelace is
untied." When the bouncer looks down at his
shoes, the man flattenshim with a single, solid
uppercut. Next he heads to the back room where
the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a
tremendous commotion from the back room--it
sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy. After a
few minutes the man emerges from the backroom,
quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.
"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that
needs her tooth pulled??

A good example of suspicious behavior is a blonde
doing push-ups in a cucumber field

One night a young boy walks in on his mom and dad
while they are having sex. He asks, "What are you
doing dad?". The boys dad says "Son I am playing
poker and your mom is my wild card!". The young
boy understands fully and goes on to bed that
night. The next night the young boy walks in on
his grandparents having sex and asks, "Grandpa
what are you doing with grandma?". his grandpa
raise up and says "I am playing poker and your
grandma is my wild card." The boy understands
again and goes to bed. The next night the boys
father walks in the bathroom and sees his son
jacking off. The father shockingly asks "Son,
what are you doing?". The son replies to his
father "I am playing poker." The father then
asks, "Where is your wild card". The son replies
"Who needs a wild card when you got a hand like
this!"

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Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
country was built.
-- Hubert Allen

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Two guys where standing on a street corner
bragging about how each one was smarter. One
finally said, "I'm so smart I can tell if a
woman is wearing panties or not."

The other replied, "Impossiable, nobody is
that smart." A coupple of minutes later a woman
in her thirties walked by. The guy said "there,
she is not wearing any panties."

So the two guys confronted her and said, "We have
a bet going, could you tell us if you are wearing
panties or not."

After a couple of minutes she finally admitted
she was pantiless. After the woman walked off
the guy asked the other guy, "how could you
tell?"

The other guy replied, "Easy, there
was dandruff on her shoes."

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To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
persons, two of them absent.

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Q. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg
are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

































A. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.

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Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.

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Bill, Bob and Bernie are discussing their
wives´Christmas presents.

This year, "I'm buying my wife a necklace and
a scarf. That way if she doesen't like the
necklace she can cover it with the scarf", says
Bill.

Bob Says "I'm getting mine a ring and a pair of
gloves. So if she doesn´t like the ring she can
cover it with the gloves".

Bernie says: "I'm buying my wife a hat and a
dildo, if she doesnt like the hat, she can go
**** herself!"

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Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
-- Robert Frost

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courage, n:
Two cannibals having oral sex.

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What's the difference between a woman and a
computer?











A woman won't accept a 3 and a half inch floppy.

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Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!"

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women are like......Lava lamps.






Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

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"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
"All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
like twenty more gallons of water.
The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
bricks."

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A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a
conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar
go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by
seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
"Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?"
He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
"Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and
hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
goodbye, and runs out the front door.
He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
doorway.
"Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
"Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went
to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We
had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me!
You've been bowling again!"

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:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
When God was creating the human race, he lined
up all the males on one side and all the females
opposite them.

Then God asked, "Which of your species would like
to urinate standing up?"

Well, the males went crazy, screaming and
shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

"Fine," replied God. "Then THEY get the multiple
orgasms."

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This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:

Man: "I want to open a ****in' savings account."
Teller: "Excuse me, sir?"
M: "Listen, *****, I want to open a ****in' savings account."
T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
M: "LOOK! I just want to open a ****in' savings account."
T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."

The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.

Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?"
M: "I want to open a ****in' savings account."
Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
open a ****in' savings account!"
Mgr: "I see. And has this **** been giving you any trouble?"

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(sorry John, but it was too funny not to :()

bad mike

President Clinton is out jogging, and he
encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks
the man what kind of puppies they are, and the
man responds, "They're Democrat puppies,
Mr. President." Clinton thinks that is so great
that the next day he brings the first lady to
see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to
tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and
the man responds, "They're Republican puppies."

The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday,
you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man
smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were.
But today, they have their eyes open!"

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent
life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none
of it has tried to contact us.

Bill Watterson

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No! Don't take us to your leader! Find someone intelligent!

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Why are Pap Smears called Pap Smears?

Because woman wouldn't do them if they were
called **** Scrapes.

Why do men name their *****?

They like to be on a first name basis with the
one making most of their decisions.

Three women are sitting in a doctors office
waiting for their pregnancy test results. The
Brunette says "If I'm pregnant it will be a
girl, because I was on the bottom."

The Red-Head replies "If I'm pregnant I will
have a boy because I was on top."

The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says
"Then I'm gonna have puppies!"

Q: What's the difference between a G-spot and a
golf ball?






A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a
golf ball.

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Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
-- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
-- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
-- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
-- I'm building a plant from a kit.
-- There's a disturbance in the Force.
-- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
-- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
-- My crayons all melted together.

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Q: What do you call a female officer who shaves
her *****?











A: C*nt-Stubble


[Edited by Benjamin on 01-15-2001 at 04:11 PM]

Everything is drive-through. In California, they
even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Wil Shriner

A guy is having marital problems. He and the
wife are not communicating at all and he's
lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a
pet might help.

The store he happened into specialized in
parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots
he notices one with no feet. Surprised he
mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says "With my *****, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk
well for a parrot."

The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well
educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports,
religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was
looking for."

The parrot says "There's not much of a market for
maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20
for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months
things go great. When he comes home from work
the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the
parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and
shut the door."

The guy says "What's up?"

The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you
this, but the mailman came today. Your wife
answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."

The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says "Well, maybe, but then he fondled
her breasts."

The guy says "He did??"

The parrot says "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee
down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on
and fell off my perch."

Morning all. It's -ing freezing in London at the moment

Good morning people. Don't listen to him, London is fine this morning. A little brisk, is all.


td.

DOnt listen to me ?. my car registered out sidr as -2 when I started out this morning

Its Bloody freezin' in Manchester & Warrington!
Ruddy Taters! n' all that!