The problem with the world is that everyone
is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
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The problem with the world is that everyone
is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold?
So you can distinguish it from urine.
--David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will
conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a
drop of sweet, tasty beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don't like you and you
don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get
back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
Well, we got one here :)
You're on, Parksie!!!!!
I was referring to a woman who loves beer...but anyways...here goes!
*cranks up fortune*
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There's too much blood in my alcohol stream.
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Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her knickers all tattered and torn.
For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
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The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
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There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a woman's breasts.
One is not enough and three are too many.
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People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-- Woody Allen
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To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
-- 19th century toast
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He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
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Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
A: The moustache.
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Confucious say:
squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
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I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman
got pregnant, someone left town.
-- Michael Prichard
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Q: What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
A: An incurable romantic.
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When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
is away and you get twice as much done.
-- Daniel B. Luten
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Man, n.:
An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
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Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Oh, how did I get leprosy?
Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
Oh why did I get syphillis?
Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
-- "Leprosy," to the tune of "Yesterday"
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How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
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A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
out in public!"
"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
showing that thing to everybody."
And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
when he hands her $1000.
"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
you to?" she asks.
"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
the money."
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
tears welling up in her eyes.
"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
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A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
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Originally posted by parksie
Quote:
A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
out in public!"
"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
showing that thing to everybody."
And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
when he hands her $1000.
"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
you to?" she asks.
"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
the money."
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
tears welling up in her eyes.
"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
Hehehe!!!!!!!!!!
When I am mad I want chocolate,
When I am sad I want fudge,
When I have sung,
I think you'd agree
Chocolate is cheaper than therapy!!!!!!!!
I could sing of the psychology of chocolate,
and freudian theories on fugde,
but when I had sung,
I think you'd agree,
chocolate is cheaper than therapy
There's dental decay from chocolate,
and addipose tissue from fudge,
But when all is lost,
despite dental cost,
chocolate is cheaper than therapy
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FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
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Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or
uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But
if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God
other parts of our bodies are dumber.
How man trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because the world revloves around them!
What's the difference between a trumpet and a chain saw?
Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trumpet, but doesn't.
How many trumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."