Quote:
Arkansas:
Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
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Quote:
Arkansas:
Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
Quote:
The New Right:
A javelin team that elects to receive.
Code:There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred,
there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great,
there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted,
I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate.
I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted,
And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good.
And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed,
They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood.
You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs,
You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground.
You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found.
...Because...
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful,
spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine.
but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies,
semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine.
-- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
Quote:
When a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
Quote:
Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
Okay Katie - your go!
After two years of marriage, Tom was still questioning his wife about
her lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," Tom asked for the thousandth time, "how many men have
you been with?"
"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Tom promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to tell him.
"Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers, "One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
thirteen....."
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
Redneck Olympics
10. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by
the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
9. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns
out to be owned by the Governor.
8. The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.
7. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at
muskrats and ATF agents.
6. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Pissin
Competition."
5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
4. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of
gold, silver, and bronze teeth.
3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle
rockets.
2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to
all them extra toes.
1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.
Dogs' New Year's Resolutions
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
MONEY...
It can buy you a House
But not a Home
It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy you a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in
life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your
Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A truer Friend than me you will never find.
CASH ONLY, PLEASE.
A woman was very distraught at the fact she had not had a date
nor any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something
wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a
sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese
sex therapist. So she went and saw him. Upon entering the
examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "OK,
take off aw your crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now," said
Wang, "get dow on knees and craw reery, reery, fass away from me
to the other side of room."
Having done what Dr. Wang said, "Okay, now turn around and craw
reery, reery fass to me."
Once again she obliged. Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "OK, your
probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease....worse
case I ever see... that why you not have dates, that why you not
have sex."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
1. Bill Gates Downloads Here
2. Do Not Flush Mouse Pads Down The Toilet
3. To Flush, Press Handle. You Do Not Need To
Hold Control, Alt, And Delete At the Same Time.
4. For a good time, e-mail SUZIE@ohmygod/Im/about/tohave/an.org
5. Why can't Bill Gates get a date?
Because he is MICROSOFT
6. MICROSOFT: Where Do You Want To Go
Today?...in the crapper!
7. Microsoft Speelchecker Rules!
8. Your mother is so fat, it takes 25 minutes to
download a naked picture of her.
9 . THE BASIC PROGRAM:
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try Real Hard
40: If Nothing, Then goto 30
50: If Something, Then goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit
10. Ray has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! - Carl
Carl still plays with his Wang! - Ray
Yeah, well you both still program in DOS - Fred
Byte Me! - Ray & Carl
11. IBM we all BM
Things you wish you could say at work
1. Ahhh...I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10.I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
11.I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13.I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14.I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15.I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16.Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
17.The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18.Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19.What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20.I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21.It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22.Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23.No, my powers can only be used for good.
24.You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25.Who me? I just wander from room to room
26.And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27.Do I look like a people person?
28.This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29.I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31.You!... Off my planet!
32.Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33.Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34.A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35.Allow me to introduce my selves.
36.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38.Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40.I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41.A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42.Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
43.Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
44.Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45.Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46.Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
47.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48.I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49.If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too
much....
partying, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm so tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces which leaves 16.2 million to do the
work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Government , and that leaves 14 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,00 people to do the work.
Now there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting here reading jokes!
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the
1994 Miss Universe contest
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life. --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all
those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
Steele to the post. --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington,
Rhode Island
The problem with some people is that when
they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be
drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to
keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the
temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to
pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure,
hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even
have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I
gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of
life, so get wasted all of the time and have the
time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to
heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have
a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some
kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but
at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out
of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while
drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in
the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you
that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry