Talking of twisted humour: http://www.watchersweb.com/funny_photos.htm
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Talking of twisted humour: http://www.watchersweb.com/funny_photos.htm
Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo
What is the translation?
most people don't understand sarcasm..... or jokes....
I tried telling a few jokes at school the otherday....
[/quote]
Two blonds walked into a house.. you'd have thought one would have seen it.
this one woman thought she had a very big <ahem> so she decided to check, she went into the bathroom, got naked, put a mirror on the floor, and as she was checking, her husband walked in and asked what she was doing, she said "nothing", and he said "whatever, just don't fall in that big hole"...
;)
[/quote]
when I told those, they didn't get them.. I had to spend 5 minutes explaining....
The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.
I have the same problem sometimes Dennis.....it's not funny after you've spent five minutes explaining it and they look at you as if you were the idiot not them.....sad, sad world it's becoming. Fortunately, I have you guys around to use my twisted humor on!!!
Eeeeuurrrggh...
I hate having to explain jokes :mad:
yeah... :(
people don't even have a sense of humor.... thats sad.....
Very sad.
very very sad
Very very very sad.
Okay let's stop here :rolleyes:
Katie...did you notice I posted the translation? I think it got buried.
Nope..I missed it. Found it now though! I like your not just twisted but sprained signature best though.
since we're running out of things to talk about... lets turn this into a quote post... one of my favorites are:
Quote:
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the ground with sticks and transporting goods on our backs.
hehe :)
I just found a new joke...
Quote:
"Hotel Bill"
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a
check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
and another
Quote:
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a
robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is
about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in
a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the
children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even
sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get
the presents to the children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get
the presents to the children, you know."
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay,
Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!"
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
Victor Borge
Quote:
You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
-- Quentin Genter
Quote:
If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then I
have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
plentiful as blackberries.
-- Leslie Stephen
Very close to my heart - had to post this one:
Quote:
A young maiden from France was no prude,
She decided to dive in the nude,
But her buddy, behind,
Went out of his mind,
When he noticed where she was tatooed.
Quote:
Originally posted by parksie
Quote:
You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
-- Quentin Genter
Hey now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Watch it. I'm not insane and I have a paper from my doctors to say so...........:rolleyes:
Well...your sense of humour is :D
Quote:
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend even you. So I'll put
"di-dah" for the filthy words:
Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
di-dah di-dah di-dah?
Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-****.
positive does not mean you are sane katie ;)
Thank you Parksie....I try!
What's the definition of Abusive?
What's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?
Quote:
If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
I would have recommended something simpler.
-- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
What's the definitions of Insanity?
You've got to be crazy to ask me that question!!!!
Quote:
Hear about...
one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
What's the definition of Masturbation?
I can single-handedly answer that question!!!
Katie...are you recycling old material?
Shame on you ;)
A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put
their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the
subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have
to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager,
"won't it knock my teeth out?"
Quote:
It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on
their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been
married three times."
"Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman,
and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one
of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the
third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
would be up in 15 minutes.
I just went outside to see what I could see....actually to have a cigarette.....it's flipping COLD and wet out there...my mind if frozen...look what it's led me to..I need to go home........I'm so ashamed for my sins of recycled humor......can you ever forgive me?
Cold is better... it's about 10° here... and I am loving it :D
Of course - remember my philosophical signature :)Quote:
Originally posted by barrk
I just went outside to see what I could see....actually to have a cigarette.....it's flipping COLD and wet out there...my mind if frozen...look what it's led me to..I need to go home........I'm so ashamed for my sins of recycled humor......can you ever forgive me?
Cold is horrible! The only thing worse is cold and wet....we've got both here today!
I like the cold too. It's about -6 to -10 wind chill standing at the train station. After 30mins you can't actually talk...your jaw muscles kind of stiffen up...because the wind goes really fast because it's funnelled down the platform :(
Quote:
WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
Firings will continue until morale improves.
yeah, gotta have wet too.....
Quote:
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
Quote:
If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
car he ever lays down in front of.
-- George Wallace
Quote:
A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage,
like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a
carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who
worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally,
the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
received a telegram from their sister. It read:
I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused
when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm
going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly...
You people are CRAZY!!!!! Sunshine, warmth, and blue skies....now that's living right!
Quote:
Originally posted by Benjamin
yeah, gotta have wet too.....
I knew you weren't gay Dennis!
Quote:
There once was a man from Exameter
Who had a prodigious diameter
But it wasn't the size
That brought forth the cries
'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
Quote:
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
Only for you Americans :)Quote:
Originally posted by barrk
You people are CRAZY!!!!! Sunshine, warmth, and blue skies....now that's living right!
For a real holiday, go to a British beach. Freezing cold, little kids wandering around kicking crabs...and some silly bugger selling ice-cream.
Which could be me if I don't get a decent job for next year.
Quote:
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Quote:
Originally posted by barrk
Quote:
Originally posted by Benjamin
yeah, gotta have wet too.....
I knew you weren't gay Dennis!
hehehe :)
Quote:
The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
"You must mean _faux_pas_."
"The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite
a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together
and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
table. Remember all that, Ed?"
"Yeh."
"Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your ***** still throb?' The gravy
bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?"
"Yeh."
"Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do.
"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with just onelittle wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of
this day and rejoice."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
Quote:
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a
brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and
lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the
phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where
it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's
greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company.
Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit:
the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then
immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is
the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of
electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few
customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the
last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937;
the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is
why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
Heard that one before...I still think it's funny.Quote:
Originally posted by barrk
So the Pope slapped her.
Although knowing our Queen she'd probably have kicked him in the nuts and laughed at him :)
hehehe
Q:
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?
A:
A bad golfer goes *WHACK* "Damn"
a bad sky diver goes "Damn" *WHACK*
Quote:
There was something about her I liked, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
The Charade Game
The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade. A TV
producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a
challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard
charade on television. The Charade player agrees.
Then comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player is
sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to
reveal seven nude young women. The second and fourth ladies are holding their
breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their
behinds.
The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell
Overture by Rossini."
The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's the right
answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and hands him a check
for a million bucks.
Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it.
"It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the positions of
the seven women, and I realized it as the William Tell Overture."
"Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."
Hehehe. Nice.
Quote:
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.
Quote:
innunendo, n.:
Italian enema.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton you might as well make it dance.
Quote:
Originally posted by parksie
Quote:
innunendo, n.:
Italian enema.
V.funny parksie.....
Hey...I have a serious question for a minute. My customer just came in asking about .tga files...what kind of software can he use to edit them...he's got a helicopter simulator program and wants to edit the graphics..any suggestions?