Post Race!

Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.

Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"?
A: Antler marks on their hips.

User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte
sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is
looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files
permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software
is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day...
especially if special features and options are utilized.

lalalalalalalalala

ddeeeeeeeeee



ddddddddaaaaaa

Oh Well PAge 53, Very Nice

Merry XMas All

And not too much brandy on that pud !

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
-- Swami X

If I answered that I'd be banned for sure!

Oh...hehehe

You on ICQ?

A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
your dog, here, talk!"
"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"

The ***** mightier than the sword.

I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
-- Steven Wright

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and
play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage
in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus
protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of
human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus
1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The
suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional
is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services
sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for
start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

OPERATION


Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install The
package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and
is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After
installation, operation commences.

One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the
session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and
the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS


Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern
during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error
encountered. The product needs to be installed each time it is used.


Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's
potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users
do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

Being owned by someone used to be called slavery -- now it's called commitment.

Not on ICQ...just kidding actually. I'm quite happy with my lot in life and couldn't possibly want anything more!

10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9) "This is just a minute power-nap like they raved about
in the last time management course you sent me to."

8) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

6) "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective
people!"

5) "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4) "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

3) "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured
out a solution to our biggest problem."

2) "The coffee machine is broken...."

AND THE # BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT
YOUR DESK:

1) "Amen"

One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that
they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special
place and reported to God what he'd noticed.
God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
will create your mate."
So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering
the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
"God?"
"Yes, Adam, what now?"
"God, what's a headache?"

do you think we can make it to 3000 today? It must be VERY late where you are!

happiness, n.:
Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.

I shudder to think how many of those notification emails we've caused to be sent, Katie :)

Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.

Rule 1:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule 2:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule 3:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends
are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and you pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule 4:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule 5:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.

Rule 6:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make
her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule 7:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?

Rule 8:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.

Rule 9:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule 10:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.

It's 9:45 PM...I have quite a while to go. I'll tell my parents I'm doing my physics!

And the next:

Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.

Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.

As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept saying
"Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with one of his
patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you're a veterinarian."

I never thought about the e-mail notifications....people aren't going to be happy with us!

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The three sexual positions during preganancy.

During the first four months: Missionary style
During the second four months: Doggie style
And during the last month: Coyote style

Coyote style?
You sit by the hole and howl.

If they're not happy it's their problem. Plus they might only get one (we hope).

Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.

A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural
geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being
the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a
large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One
member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe
damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure;
subsequently the second member of the team performed a self
rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken
by the first team member.

A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural
geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure;
subsequently the second member of the team performed a self
rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken
by the first team member.

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. -
Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz

REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS
1. One *****, Two *****, Dead *****, You *****
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox In Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the **** Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches

1. Bill Gates Downloads Here

2. Do Not Flush Mouse Pads Down The Toilet

3. To Flush, Press Handle. You Do Not Need To
Hold Control, Alt, And Delete At the Same Time.

4. For a good time, e-mail SUZIE@ohmygod/Im/about/tohave/an.org

5. Why can't Bill Gates get a date?
Because he is MICROSOFT

6. MICROSOFT: Where Do You Want To Go
Today?...in the crapper!

7. Microsoft Speelchecker Rules!

8. Your mother is so fat, it takes 25 minutes to
download a naked picture of her.

9 . THE BASIC PROGRAM:
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try Real Hard
40: If Nothing, Then goto 30
50: If Something, Then goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit

10. Ray has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! - Carl
Carl still plays with his Wang! - Ray
Yeah, well you both still program in DOS - Fred
Byte Me! - Ray & Carl

11. IBM we all BM

Gonna go for a smoke...tried not too but just can't seem to keep the will power going. Back in a moment.

Fight it, Katie!!!

My cube mate talked me out of it...went to see the new layout of the computer room instead.

Ooh. Anyway, we only need to get to page 75 :)

Is that all!!!!!!!

I

don't

think