AMERICANS HAVE GIGANTIC FAT ASSES
WASHINGTON, DC--According to a report released Monday by the Surgeon General's office, 67 percent of U.S. citizens have gigantic fat asses, with that number projected to climb significantly in the next decade.
Above: One of the 185 million fat asses that dot the American landscape.
The report is the latest in a string of dire findings from Surgeon General David Satcher concerning the high percentage of Americans who suffer from fatness of ass.
"The state of the American derriere has reached crisis proportions," Satcher said. "Without immediate steps to rectify this problem, we can only foresee even more hideously huge backsides as we continue to blimp out into the 21st century."
The strongly worded report, in which Americans are alternately described as "porkers," "wide loads," and "friggin' whales," attributes the fat asses primarily to poor eating habits, with diets heavy on sugar, starches, and saturated fats. It also cites Americans' lack of exercise and sedentary lifestyles as factors in the trend toward "huge bucket-butts."
In addition, the report found that roughly 185 million Americans are "flab-ass flabbos who couldn't say no to a candy bar if their fat, stupid lives depended on it." It went on to warn that those with "gargantuan, sun-blocking rear ends" stand at greater risk of conditions ranging from heart disease to hideousness.
The Surgeon General said the solution to the national health crisis lies in obese citizens "somehow dredging up the shred of dignity needed to drag their rotund, repellent posteriors to a gym, for Christ's sake." He also encouraged those with American Fat-Ass Syndrome, or AFAS, to "lay off the sour-cream-and-chive Ruffles."
The report has provoked outrage among the public at large.
"Okay, so we could all stand to lose a few pounds, but I don't see the need for such insulting language," said Nancy Goode, 48, a morbidly obese St. Cloud, MN, housewife with diabetes, knee problems, and an ass so ludicrously huge it looks like some sort of mutant, land-bound dugong. "Besides, lots of people in this country are very slim and attractive. I see them on TV every day."
Experts say Goode's response is symptomatic of the severe denial inherent in most Americans' self-images.
"Because of what they see on television and in advertising, many Americans are convinced that the nation is largely populated with hot, hard-bodied models who consume nothing but Pepsi and Chee-tos," said Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson. "This notion, however, couldn't be further from the truth. All you need to do is look around to see that we are, in the main, grotesque, repulsive fat ****s who have long ago given up maintaining a mote of basic pride."
Though the alarmist tone of the report may come as a shock to Americans accustomed to the enormous asses of themselves and their neighbors, the rest of the world has long been aware of Americans' ovoid lower halves. This is apparent in the translations of various languages' popular slang terms for Americans, such as "two-sacks-of-suet-in-skirts," from Swedish; "bloated round-eye balloon-buttocks," from Mandarin Chinese; and "hideous, hellbound hippo-humans," from Swahili.
"The time has come for Americans to face the truth about our collective fat ass," Satcher said. "For too long, we have sat on our massive rump, mindlessly consuming 90 percent of the world's resources and growing steadily bigger by the decade. It's time to get off that fat ass and face the harsh reality of our enormous, distended, disgusting hind ends."
CRAZED PALESTINIAN GUNMAN AGNERED BY STEREOTYPES
HEBRON, WEST BANK--In an emotionally charged press conference Monday, crazed Palestinian gunman Faisal al Hamad expressed frustration over the stereotyping of his people.
Above: Faisal al Hamad, seen here shrieking anti-U.S. slogans, says that "not every crazed Palestinian gunman is exactly alike."
"As a crazed Palestinian gunman, I feel hurt by the negative portrayal of my people in the media," said al Hamad, 31, a Hebron-area terrorist maniac. "None of us should have to live with stereotyping and ignorance."
He then began screaming and firing into a busload of Israeli schoolchildren.
"It hurts that in this supposedly enlightened day and age, people still make assumptions about other people," al Hamad said. "We should not rely on simple generalizations. Each crazed Palestinian gunman is an individual."
Al Hamad said that he himself has often been unfairly stereotyped. "Any time I enter a crowded temple with fully loaded AK-47s in both hands, people just assume I'm going to open fire," he said. "That really hurts."
"Yes, I sometimes do gun people down in the name of the One True God," he noted. "But there is so much more to me."
Several weeks ago, al Hamad was again the victim of stereotyping during a vacation he took with his family to Washington, D.C.
"When we arrived at the airport in Washington, security guards detained us for more than 12 hours, just because I had 140 pounds of plastic explosives strapped to my chest," al Hamad said. "Do you think they would have called the FBI if I weren't a crazed Palestinian who's on their Ten Most Wanted List? I don't think so."
Al Hamad said his vacation was ruined when federal agents seized a crate of chemical weapons he had brought into the U.S. as a gift for a friend in New York.
"I explained to them that the weapons were a birthday present for the blind cleric Sayid al Farouq, a good friend of mine from high school," he said. "But they did not believe me and took me into federal custody for nine weeks. Again, it's a case of people jumping to conclusions on the basis of skin color. And that can be very frustrating."
Above: When this truck blew up in Jerusalem on Yom Kippur last year, Israeli officials suspected PLO involvement. "That really hurt that they would just think that right off the bat," al Hamad said.
According to al Hamad, stereotypes against crazed Palestinian gunmen don't work because they don't take into account the vast variety of proud histories and diverse cultures among them.
"There are so many different kinds of crazed Palestinian gunmen. Each of us has our own unique reasons and motivations for our bus bombings and suicide missions," he said. "No two fundamentalist agendas are alike."
Al Hamad also stressed the importance of understanding and celebrating the cultural differences between crazed Palestinian gunmen and non-crazed, non-Palestinian non-gunmen.
"All the different peoples of the world have something special to offer each other," he said. "Our diversity is our greatest strength. Let's not make a weakness out of that strength."
To emphasize his point, al Hamad fired into a crowd, killing nine.
"I'm proud to be a crazed Palestinian gunman, obviously," he said in between shouts of anti-imperialist slogans. "But I'm an individual first. I'm me. Die, Yankee infidel pig swine!"
