What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
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What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all......
that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Well barrk, are you going to answer your questions or just leave us all hanging?
I answered all of them! They are on the bottom of each post.
Oh. Yeah. You are right. (Too much coffee today)
Have yu had enough bad jokes or shall I continue?
Bad jokes? I thought they were above the standard of a lot of mine... ;)
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
InvisibleDuncan is the Master Of Groan!
Well this one is not THAT funny, I'm just posting it because it says it's a true story :D
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having
a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get
her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a
plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver,
no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a
nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A
thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working
order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the
prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys
jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on
water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped
securely in place, was the trailer.
On Marriage: One-Liners
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She
said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for
success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving
woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul
Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The
other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife
did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful.
How do you know your getting old?
You have dry dreams and wet farts
:D
Years ago I had a secretary who was- to say the least- cranially challenged, although she was quite well known in the Bristol area, get my drift.
Anyway, this was long before cellphones and I used to carry a radio pager. I got to a customer late one afternoon having been out of the office most of the day, only to find the guy I was going to see, rushing out.
He aplogised, but said he'd called my office to cancel, and had asked the secy to page me. Of course, I'd had no pager message.
So next morning, wondering if she'd paged me or not- she might have, I thought, because the reception was often a bit iffy- I asked her if the guy had called and had she paged me.
Her answer: "How could I, I didn't know where you were."
.... how did you enjoy the play, Mrs Lincoln?
Dear Derdrie,
I met Laurie at a singles dance. I knew as soon as I looked at her she was too young for me. Right I was. I was 54 and she was 32. Twenty-two years my junior. I really regretted it because we got along so well that evening. She made me feel so comfortable in her presence. Our age difference didn't seem to matter to her as much as it did to me.
I told her I felt people staring at us. I said they are probably wondering if I am your father. She thought I was being silly and said if I wanted to see her again she would be honored to go out with me.
Laurie and I have been dating now for three months. I really like her and I think she likes me.
Still, everywhere we go, I feel people watching us. Sometimes they just outright stare. It is very annoying and I know it is our age difference that draws these prolonged looks from everyone we meet. I just feel so uncomfortable about this whole thing.
Why do people have to be so rude....?
Sincerely,
Ted
P.S.----- I have attached a picture of Laurie
Not a joke but then again ... :D
www.engrish.com
2 guys walk into a bar. ouch.
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."
"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
Here's a typical British joke: :)
How does a cow get out of a well?
Wet :D
And here's a typical Portuguese jokes: :)
A woman was reading the newspaper while waiting for the bus. She was reading about some new statistics that they just did at a research center, and suddenly said to the man right next to her:
- Did you know that every time I breath, someone dies?
And the man replies:
- And did you try washing your teeth?
:D
Me too!!!Quote:
Originally posted by chrismitchell
I think that Katie would like to meet that bloke Jim... :D lol
What are a womans four fave. animals?
A tiger in the bedroom, a Mink in the cupboard, a Jaguar in the garage, and an Ass to pay for it all!!!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
Who Was That Masked Man?
A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed.
Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and groping them when he could.
She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars.
Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.
When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?"
He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to had the time of his life!"
Driving down a rural road in Kansas with his pet donkey in the back of his pickup truck, a young man got a flat tire. He got out of his truck, coaxed the donkey out of the bed of the pickup and had it stick its head under the bumper to lift the truck. A passing farmer saw the event and stopped. "Hey! That's a pretty clever trick! How'd you get your donkey to do that?"
The young man replied, "It's all in the breeding actually. This is a
jack ass."
Cannibals
Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away. One cannibal says, ''Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle.'' So the two cannibals start eating.
After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, ''I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?''
The other cannibal answers, ''This is great! I'm havin' a ball!''
The other cannibal says, ''Hey, no fair! You're eating too fast!''
Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.
Why are men like blenders?
Everyone's got one but they're not sure why
How is a man like carpet?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.
Windows and The Borg
Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker: "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker: "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together, horrified "Lawyers !!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
Famous Last Words
Don't worry, I read somewhere that bears mostly eat roots and berries.
Did you hear thunder? Oh well hurry up and putt.
What's that priest doing here?
You look just like Charles Manson.
Let it down slowly.
See? I told you the current's off.
Either the wallpaper goes or I do.
For my next trick I will escape from this flaming coffin while wearing a straight jacket and singing Eye Of The Tiger.
Honey, get me a fork. The darnn toaster's jammed!
I'll get a world record for this.
Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
Hey there's no handles inside these car doors!
Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
Let's ask that group of basketball players for directions.
Here's my Kent state student ID.
It's fireproof.
He's probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
I'm making a citizen's arrest.
So, you're a cannibal.
It's probably just a rash.
Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
Are you sure the power is off?
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
No, my shoes aren't untied.
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
What duck?
What do you mean, I'll be back?
Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
Let's split up, we'll cover more ground.
Why yes honey, I do think you look fat in that dress.
Excuse me, I'm a tourist, and I'm lost.
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
Rat poison only kills rats.
I hope they speak English.
OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
Give me liberty or give me death.
Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
It's strong enough for both of us.
That birthmark on your head looks like 999.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
Nice doggie.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
I've done this before.
Well we've made it this far.
That's odd.
Hey that's not a violin.
I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you.
OK this is the last time.
Don't be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.
Hold my beer and watch this.
Lol :D
You must've taken some of those from FunnyMail.com and The-Jokes.com, right? :)
Nice signature... gotta try that some day :D
Heh wait... why are some of your jokes about men? :eek:
Thats because someone made a sexist joke earlier.
User Tips for Husband 1.0
There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change…
For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which
you have not authorised. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.
Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.
Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.
Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.
After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.
Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.0 nightstand.
Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9.
On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.
Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1.
Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.
50 Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win?” How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Oh you're talking about my joke?... Come on, it's gotta be the less sexist joke of all the sexist jokes that ever existed :)
It is less sexist than others, but i was bored, he he he ;)
Hehe ok :) I thought you had taken it too serious :D