Did you hear about the gay fellow who put a
nicotine patch on his pecker?
Well he is down to two butts a day.
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Did you hear about the gay fellow who put a
nicotine patch on his pecker?
Well he is down to two butts a day.
Hehehe....that's it Dennis....stick to the classics:D
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the
bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come
out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you
are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!
****
What is similar between a UFO and a smart blonde?
You always hear about them, but never see one.
Second new addition to the periodic table of elements:
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize
by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software,
severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1, PotentialBoyfriend
6.0 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3,
SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0
no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances
will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running
Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only
limited effectiveness.
Can you help, please!!
Sincerely,
XXX
Dear XXX:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to
a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband
1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator
to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your
system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is
gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files
from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed
once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages
are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of
their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work,
some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However,
these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.” You will notice
that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I
recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange
and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company
as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL
responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To
activate this great feature enter the command: “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”.
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more
serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command
before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer
6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files
and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself
some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all
the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction,
these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After
several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will
find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings2.1, Snuggling
4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband
1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
A "don't remind me again" button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the "headache" file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
VIRUS ALERT
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy began: "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
Lucy was next: "Our family are farmers too. But we raise our chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is: Don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Lucy," said the teacher. "Now, Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Auntie Kate.
Auntie Kate was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane
got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun before it ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Don't f*k with Auntie Kate when she's been drinking."
LOL :D
:eek:
A man was having problems with premature
ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his
problem. In response the doctor said, "When you
feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try
startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and
bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to
try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on
her husband. As the two begin, they find
themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments
later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires
the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man
answered, "Not that well...when I fired the
pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches
off my ***** and my neighbor came out of the
closet naked with his hands in the air!"
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us
do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.
We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick
there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ...with or without the government's help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.
Paranoids are people, too; they have
their own problems.
It's easy to criticize, but if everybody
hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A guy comes up to a woman at the office and he
tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman
immediately goes to her supervisor to file a
sexual harassment suit. The supervisor says,
"What’s wrong with someone telling you that your
hair smells nice"? The woman replies, "he’s a
midget".
:D LOL
A guy walks into a bar with a pet
alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons. "I'll make you a
deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth
and place my genitals inside. Then the
gator will close his mouth for one
minute. He'll then open his mouth and
I'll remove my unit unscratched. In
return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The
man stood up on the bar, dropped his
pants, and placed his privates in the
alligator's open mouth. The gator closed
his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on
the top of it's head. The crowd cheered
and the first of his free drinks was
delivered.
The man stood up again and made another
offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try". A hush fell
over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back
of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke
up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to
hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
Women are So Bright!
We got off the Titanic first.
~~@~~
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.
~~@~~
Taxis stop for us.
~~@~~
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
~~@~~
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
~~@~~
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
~~@~~
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
~~@~~
We can congratulate our team mate without ever touching
her rear.
~~@~~
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure
our privates are still there.
~~@~~
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
~~@~~
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having
to picture them naked.
~~@~~
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we
look like an idiot.
~~@~~
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
~~@~~
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
~~@~~
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
~~@~~
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence,
because they aren't listening
anyway.
~~@~~
im back, and im still depressed :(
but on the plus side i have a joke...
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was Absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...
(Get ready, it's good...Scroll down...)
wait for it...........................................
wait.....................................
.... "I can see Clearly now. Lorraine has gone"
Yikes!!!!!!!!! That was definitley a groaner!!:D
yup, its sho is
god im still depressed, WHY?!?!?!? i dont even know why :(:(:(
Cheer up Ghost, give us a smile :)
*snap out of it!* Pix needs some cookies. She's relying on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone wanted a cookie?
*hands one over*
Do you quack when you get squeezed Parksie?
yeah katie, ur right, my duty calls!!
*whips out cookies and throws them to nic and mike AND KATIE!!
eat them woman!! lol
Depends who squeezes :DQuote:
Originally posted by barrk
Do you quack when you get squeezed Parksie?
ghost, that's not nice, we all know mike prefers to be called a lady.....
Thanks :)
I still don't see a smile though
Parksie,
Is it true what they say about the size of your beak relating to the size of your quack????
dennis, here man, have a cookie
pix :mad: oh wait, thats not a smile!! :(
Katie - depends on what they say. I think in my case they're underestimating ;)
Ghost - smile!:)
*ghost will smile* *ghost will smile* *ghost will smile* *ghost will smile*
It's 2:41 on Thanksgiving Eve....I should be at home doing something unmentionable with my husband!!! Instead I am sitting here thing about the size of a rubber ducky's bill........something definitley weird about that if you ask me!
:eek:
I felt ghost smile just a minute ago.....he just forgot to add the emoticon!!! The intent was there.:)
Nothing wrong with the size of my bill ;)Quote:
Originally posted by barrk
It's 2:41 on Thanksgiving Eve....I should be at home doing something unmentionable with my husband!!! Instead I am sitting here thing about the size of a rubber ducky's bill........something definitley weird about that if you ask me!
:eek:
You should be doing something that we have no problems mentioning with your husband...and if a few of us got our ways, us as well :p
I would certainly have plenty of things to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving wouldn't I????????:D
yup, ur right i did actually smile, when i read ur post about the size of the beak and the quack!! lolQuote:
Originally posted by barrk
I felt ghost smile just a minute ago.....he just forgot to add the emoticon!!! The intent was there.:)
Doh Arsenal got beat :( not good
yeah well, arsenal and man u were away (in la coruna and munich) and there was a 2-0 defeat and a 1-1 draw
but liverpool were at home and got SPANKED by barcelona 3-1!!
any liverpool fans on here SPEAK UP so i can rip the piss out of you!!
Don't you follow Liverpool parksie?
Not really.
Although I occasionally pay attention if they're in anything. I don't really follow sporting stuff.
Good good :)
:o :( :) :p :mad: :confused: :eek: :cool: :rolleyes: ;) :D
lol
woo hoo we got a smile in there :)
yuppers :D
l'd love to stay here and take abuse from people who think my opinion is so unimportant it is not even worthy of being heard but I have to go home to my loving family instead..........too bad, huh???
Good night.
Ok then, have fun Katie :)
Good night :)
HOw's the green folks now?0
bugger, I missed the party by over an hour.
Shucks
Gutenmorgen mein Führer :)
Heute werde ich mich wundern, warum ich auf Deutsch schreibe :p
es ist ziemlich innen hier heute :(
Moin moin , Her Bakker, und wie geht's dir?
Ich arbeiten als mein Haus heute - Ich bin ein bisschen krank.. :(
Your cat has how many bums BG?
I'm insured against that.
Hi Bonker, are we in orbit soon?
Yes, my throttle is jammed.
for Adun!
Afternoon all :)
Boooooooooooooork!!!
Boooooooooorrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkk to you too :)