Slacking off...
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Slacking off...
NO! WE WILL NEVER FALL BEHIND! WE WILL REMAIN STRONG!!!
(we?)
An English professor announced to the class: "There are two words I
don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the
words?"
Hey Spetnik! I haven't read the whole thread yet, but here's my little contribution:
1. PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
2. APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
3. SCSI - System Can't See It
4. DOS - Defective Operating System
5. BASIC - Bill's Attempt To Seize Industry Control
6. IBM - I Blame Microsoft
7. DEC - Do Expect Cuts
8. CD-ROM - Consumer Device--Rendered Obsolete In Months
9. OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
10. WWW -World Wide Wait
11. MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
12. PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
13. COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
14. AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
15. LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
16. MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
17. WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
18. GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out
19. MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Feels Tested
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process.
When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button.
A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed.
This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.
Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks.
As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and Bush presses the first button.
Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers.
A few seconds later he presses the second button.
Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.
When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't."
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Btw, "Breath" is not the only cool music of the Prodigy, "Narayan" rules too with those tribal warcries ;)
Rangi:
"Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The Boss:
"You know Rangi I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a bl*wj*b. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Rangi calls:
"Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
a guy could think of nothing to get his wife for christmas, so he stopped at the pet store. The owner suggested a bird named chet that just came in that sang chrismas carols when you put fire under one of its feet. So the guy tried it out and indeed he sung a different carol for each foot. The guy brought it home to his wife, and the wife was curious so she stuck lighters under both feet, the bird (named chet) started singing "chet's nuts roasting over an open fire"
This one was translated from Portuguese so it might not look as cool as it is in its native language:
3 men were about to enter Heaven. An angel asked the first one how did he die.
"Well, I got home and I heard weird noises. I thought my wife was with another man. So I ran to the bedroom and saw a man dressing up while running on the street. I picket up my fridge and throwed it to him. Then I realized what I had done and killed myself."
"Ok you can go in" said the angel. "And you?"
"I'm a guard at night and I was late, and the next moment I had this fridge on top of me and died..."
"Ok... and you?" said the angel.
"Me? I was inside the fridge."
:D
WAHOO!!! IT's ALIVE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
A blonde walked into a barber shop wearing headphones. The barber said "I can't cut your hair if you're wearing headphones." The blonde said, "I have to wear them!" And then stormed out. This happened twice until the barber just jerked off the headphones. Then he remembered his lucky scissors were in the other room. When he came back in, the blonde was dead. He picked up the headphones to hear what was playing. He heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out....."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with
tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,
"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
(Here's another one translated from portuguese :D )
A black man was lost in a desert. When he was about to die, he found a lamp with a genie in it.
"Make 3 wishes and they shall be granted to you." said the genie.
"All right! I want plenty of water, I wanna be white and I want lots of pussies!"
Then the genie turned the black man into a toilet :p
"You got nice house."
:p
Hehe :p
Hum... I noticed that you all got these jokes from FunnyMail.com :D
Don't you KNOW some, do you really have to take them from a web site? :rolleyes: :p
Actually, I had all these in my "Good Jokes" folder for over a year and a half. Maybe they stole em from me :p
Hehe... anyway, here's a new one:
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I
need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I
would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to
keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit
of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
yeah, that was one of the first jokes in my folder (but the folder got deleted soon thereafter)
Yeah right ;)
yeah, i had it hangin in my room when i used to live with my parents :D
Hanging? You mean in a CD? :D
(You're talking about the jokes folder, right :) )
no, the Dear Dad joke
Hey, look at this one: :D
How Hot Is It In Hell?
(a true story)
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic
(gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your
answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and
the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure
in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as
souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan
during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell
before sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I
still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her,
then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
With the Post Race locked, I once again bring this to the top. Welcome, post race mourners, join us here and be comforted.
:D:p
no.. the official official post race while post race is closed is rouge post race... look for it in chit-chat cuz im too lazy to post link
Sorry, cant find it :D
who cares, I want the old post race back :(
hold on i will post link
Yes, we do, but in the meantime, I welcome you to my humble abode. Sit, back, relax, kick off your shoes... Be comfortable. :)
Sorry, still dont see it :D
i posted the link... have you been squirting citrus in your eye again??
No, eye have selective viewing :p
that was so dumb i almost laughed :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
was??? And then what happened??Quote:
Originally posted by Skitchen8
I was so dumb i almost laughed :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
:p
I'll just nip over and post something offensive in the rouge post race, and then it will be closed and this will be the only alternative.... Spetnik, you shall have a post-race monopoly!
SD
Yeah, but then Microsoft will try to run me down :D
Are
we
still
doing
this
marathon
thing
?
Absolutely. It wasn't dead, it was just sleeping.
Good
to
know.
:D
Never... you must not kill my Post Race... you biatch how could you!!Quote:
Originally posted by SurfDemon
I'll just nip over and post something offensive in the rouge post race, and then it will be closed and this will be the only alternative.... Spetnik, you shall have a post-race monopoly!
SD
HEY!!!
You didn't get the point of the Post Marathon: you can chat about anything you want and post jokes or anything you find funny :p
Anyway, back to business ;)
Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby
stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to
calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's
only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son
are sitting in the nest, ans the baby stork is crying again. The
mother says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible,
but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their
son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before
dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all
night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the crap out of
college students!"
-----
There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse
takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says,
"I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk
throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest
and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an
extra jolt to start off each day."
The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey
-- throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest
mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside
my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I
catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl
it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and
take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning
routine."
The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the
conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had
enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat."
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?. My three-year-old son had a lot of problems With potty training; and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Travis had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Travis, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooo. I asked one more time, "Travis, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and
spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ROTFLMAO
Spetnik: What does that mean? :confused:
Here's another one... hehe one of the best in my opinion ;)
AT&T (Revenge On Telemarketers)
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of
you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by
a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such
occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call
was from
AT&T and it went something like this:
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking
that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to
my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still
waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for
calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can
express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not
interested", but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24
hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a
minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see
that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a
little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes
sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one
big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you
send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7
days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008
per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how
you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10
cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd
give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll
give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute?
Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read
about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your
alien brainwashing techniques on me!
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin
to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few
minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10
cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could
do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce
a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me
so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem,
I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed
to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but
polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in
signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can
never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really
like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)
Copyright 1998 by Robert Byron Reprinted with permission from the
author.
yeah, thats an old one.
Here, goto http://www.netlingo.com to see what ROTFLMAO and many other acronyms mean.
Well i havnt seen it :D I HAVE to try something like that sometime.