Me too!!!Quote:
Originally posted by chrismitchell
I think that Katie would like to meet that bloke Jim... :D lol
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Me too!!!Quote:
Originally posted by chrismitchell
I think that Katie would like to meet that bloke Jim... :D lol
What are a womans four fave. animals?
A tiger in the bedroom, a Mink in the cupboard, a Jaguar in the garage, and an Ass to pay for it all!!!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
Who Was That Masked Man?
A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed.
Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and groping them when he could.
She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars.
Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.
When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?"
He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to had the time of his life!"
Driving down a rural road in Kansas with his pet donkey in the back of his pickup truck, a young man got a flat tire. He got out of his truck, coaxed the donkey out of the bed of the pickup and had it stick its head under the bumper to lift the truck. A passing farmer saw the event and stopped. "Hey! That's a pretty clever trick! How'd you get your donkey to do that?"
The young man replied, "It's all in the breeding actually. This is a
jack ass."
Cannibals
Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away. One cannibal says, ''Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle.'' So the two cannibals start eating.
After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, ''I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?''
The other cannibal answers, ''This is great! I'm havin' a ball!''
The other cannibal says, ''Hey, no fair! You're eating too fast!''
Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.
Why are men like blenders?
Everyone's got one but they're not sure why
How is a man like carpet?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.
Windows and The Borg
Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker: "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker: "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together, horrified "Lawyers !!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
Famous Last Words
Don't worry, I read somewhere that bears mostly eat roots and berries.
Did you hear thunder? Oh well hurry up and putt.
What's that priest doing here?
You look just like Charles Manson.
Let it down slowly.
See? I told you the current's off.
Either the wallpaper goes or I do.
For my next trick I will escape from this flaming coffin while wearing a straight jacket and singing Eye Of The Tiger.
Honey, get me a fork. The darnn toaster's jammed!
I'll get a world record for this.
Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
Hey there's no handles inside these car doors!
Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
Let's ask that group of basketball players for directions.
Here's my Kent state student ID.
It's fireproof.
He's probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
I'm making a citizen's arrest.
So, you're a cannibal.
It's probably just a rash.
Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
Are you sure the power is off?
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
No, my shoes aren't untied.
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
What duck?
What do you mean, I'll be back?
Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
Let's split up, we'll cover more ground.
Why yes honey, I do think you look fat in that dress.
Excuse me, I'm a tourist, and I'm lost.
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
Rat poison only kills rats.
I hope they speak English.
OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
Give me liberty or give me death.
Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
It's strong enough for both of us.
That birthmark on your head looks like 999.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
Nice doggie.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
I've done this before.
Well we've made it this far.
That's odd.
Hey that's not a violin.
I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you.
OK this is the last time.
Don't be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.
Hold my beer and watch this.
Lol :D
You must've taken some of those from FunnyMail.com and The-Jokes.com, right? :)
Nice signature... gotta try that some day :D
Heh wait... why are some of your jokes about men? :eek:
Thats because someone made a sexist joke earlier.
User Tips for Husband 1.0
There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change…
For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which
you have not authorised. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.
Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.
Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.
Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.
After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.
Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.0 nightstand.
Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9.
On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.
Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1.
Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.
50 Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win?” How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Oh you're talking about my joke?... Come on, it's gotta be the less sexist joke of all the sexist jokes that ever existed :)
It is less sexist than others, but i was bored, he he he ;)
Hehe ok :) I thought you had taken it too serious :D
nope. i just wanna have fun, i don't like being serious if i don;t have 2 be, cos it's boring:p
If fathers have Fathers' day and Mothers have Mothering Sunday, what do single blokes get??
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Palm Sunday
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
How do you make 12 pounds of fat look attractive?
Put a nipple on it.
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"
These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right
after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by
chance all came home at about the same time.
The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You
know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all
messed up."
The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You
know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup
all smeared."
The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say
a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed
her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a
loud thud!
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"
Signs You Have a Hangover
1. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up
50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden...
Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss
Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
Mine his bathroom.
Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".
Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
ouchQuote:
Originally posted by nabeels786
a man walked into a bar...
A man walked into me
*slap*
I am NOT a rhino (no, you can't spell). My(screen) name is Rinoa. Easy. RIN-O-A Can you say that? or is it a little hard for you? I suppose you can't handle the hard aspects of life. Not even my NAME
:( I'm sorry, I guess I'm kinda touchy, huh? I'm kinda mad, cos I'm ill and can't go out anywhere :( Poor me (come on, thats your cue to pat me on the back and say poor Rinoa, don't worry) ;)
:) don't worry - I could see you hanging around the edges and chucking great jokes in so I thought you might need encouraging in to meet the motley bunch. Why don't you come into the other chats in chit-chat. Post race is a good one - you'll see ;)Quote:
Originally posted by rinoaheartilly
. . .I'm ill and can't go out anywhere :( Poor me (come on, thats your cue to pat me on the back and say poor Rinoa, don't worry) ;)
[zap]Unrhino[/zap]
Call me Vicky if you want ;). Thanks a lot, i've been to post race a few days ago, but it's too hard to follow when your head is as bad as mine :(. I'm so tired :S I still have a Welsh essay to write :(, and i'm dozing off. My lecturer is gonna go ballistic with me :(
ballistic - very mad/angry/ starts screaming at me etc.
Good morning :)
. . . did you get the Welsh essay done?Quote:
Originally posted by rinoaheartilly
ballistic - very mad/angry/ starts screaming at me etc.
Good morning :)
Yep, I got it done, thank you :) I'm a lot better now :D I'm in my computing lecture right now, so any tips 4 VB?
vb :confused: VB :confused: :confused: what's that nah . . must be the wrong forum . . .:(Quote:
Originally posted by rinoaheartilly
u got it :) i'm in my computing lecture @ the mo. any tips for VB?
:D
Yah, i probably am in da wrong forum.U kno me (i fink) the crazE 1 ;)Quote:
Originally posted by Kzin
vb :confused: VB :confused: :confused: what's that nah . . must be the wrong forum . . .:(
:D
I think I'd better get this thread back on the right track - so here goes.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he makes his move.
"No thank you," she says politely."This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replies.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she says. "But it has my husband pretty upset."
How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
I'm sorry, i'll do better next time.Quote:
Originally posted by honeybee
shhhhh!! The mods are watching!!!
And besides, members here in Chit Chat are very sensitive over such issues. Don't even dare post a VB question here!!
;) That was too harsh, and we did manage to have a couple of VB threads here in Chit Chat, but sincerely you need to post things in the proper forums.
.
Sorry, i put that there cos my lecturer was looking at my moniter he he he. oops;) he doens't mind me surfing the net, but he might get a bit cranky . . . lol ;)
Three little old ladies are sitting in a restaurant one day, talking
about this and that. The first lady said, "You know, I'm really getting forgetful. This morning I was standing at the bottom of the stairs and I couldn't remember if I was just about to go up or if I had just come down."
"Oh, that's nothing," the second lady said. "The other day I was
sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to bed or if I had just gotten up."
The third lady smiled pleasantly at the other two. "Well, my memory is just as good as ever, knock on wood."
She rapped on the table with her knuckles, then gave a start and said, "Who's there?"
I WISH I WAS A BEAR!
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself into a stupor.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.
Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up.
He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I wish I was a bear.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
8. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
9. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
10. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the
bathroom, in stall #3."
11.Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
12.Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
13. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!", "3rd time this week!!!"
14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
15.Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
16. Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
17. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
18. Don't use any punctuation marks
19. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
20. Sing along at the opera.
21. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
50 things to do in a lift
1. Crouch in 1 corner and grow menacingly at anyone who gets on.
2. As the lift is going up jump violently up and down while shouting down "I said Dammit!!"
3. Laugh hysterically for 5 seconds, stop then glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
4.Start brushing invisible bugs off your arms screaming "AAAAGGGHHH get them off!!!!"
5. When the lift is silent, look around and say "Is that your beeper?"
6. Leave a box between the doors.
7. Grimace Painfully whilst smacking your head and muttering "Shut up dammit all of you shut up!"
8. When at least 8 people have got on moan fro m the back "Oh No, not now! Damn motion sickness!"
9. Meow occasionally.
10. Listen to the walls with a stephoscope.
11. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the other passengers.
12. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a small world' over and over.
13. Shave your Legs/Face/Armpits.
14. Crack open your briefcase or purse and say while peering inside, "Got enough air in there?"
15. Offer a lick of your lollipop to all the other passengers.
16. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, against the wall not getting off.
17. Lean over to another passenger and whisper "I'm so glad to be out of that darn mental hospital!"
18. Wear normal 3D glasses but tell the other passengers that you can see them naked!
19. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
20. Blow spit bubbles.
21. Burp and then say "mmmm.......tasty!"
22. Stare at another passenger for a while then say, "Your one of THEM!" and then backing away slowly.
23. Make explosion noises when someone presses a button.
24. Take a camera and take pictures of everyone on the lift.
25. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
26. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, then go back for more.
27. When there is only one other person in the lift tap them on a shoulder then pretend it wasn't you!
28. Make Race car noises whenever anyone gets on or off.
29. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
30. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the lift.
31. Offer name tags to everyone getting in the lift. Wear yours Upside-Down.
32. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrased when the open by themselves.
33. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
34. Greet everyone coming in witha warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
35. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny that you dropped down the shaft go 'Plink' at the bottom!
36. Do Tai Chi exercises.
37. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
38. Bet the other passengers that you can fitt a 5p coin up your nose.
39. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the buttons for them.
40. Wear a puppet on yoour hand and talk to all the other passengers 'through' it!
41. Start a sing - along.
42. When the elevater is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your phone?"
43. Play the harmonica.
44. Say 'Ding' at each floor.
45. Lean against the button panel.
46. Say: "I wonder what all these do!" and push all the red buttons.
47. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to all the other passengers that this is your 'Personal Space'.
48. Bring a chair along.
49. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
50.Announce in a demonic voice : " I must find a new body host!"
You've gotta try doing some of these :D. I tried one or two, and you won't believe how funny some people's reactions are lol :D:D:D :D :D :D :D
U HAVE GOTTA CHECK THIS 1 OUT:- http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/george_white.cfm
pants, cant see that site - it's blocked by our firewall :(
never mind, time for more sexism... :eek:
25 GOOD REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE
YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
12. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.
13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.
14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.
21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.
23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.
1. What can a bird do that a man can't? Whistle through his pecker.
2. Why did the man cross the road? Because he heard the chicken was a slut.
3. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time!
4. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions.
5. Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have a ***** to keep them in!
6. What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who end up playing with them.
7. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their ******* and they vapor-lock!
8. Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love.
9. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
10. Why did God create a man before a women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
11. Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? So he can tell if he's coming or going.
12. Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus? It turns your hard drive into a three and a half inch floppy.
God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?" "Well ... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... "You know, woman to woman."
Men Are Like
... Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
... Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
... Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
... Curling Irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.
... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is a feather, perverted is the whole chicken.
MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet) For Men
Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for *******)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favourable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects
(which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favourable reaction style.
Uses :
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.
Why Cookie Dough Is Better Than A Man
It's enjoyable soft or hard.
It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
You always want to swallow.
It won't complain if you share it with your friends.
It's quick and convenient.
You can enjoy it more than once.
It comes already protectively wrapped.
You can make it as large as you want.
If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
It's easier to get the kind you want.
You can comparison shop.
It's easier to find in a grocery store.
You can put it away when you've had enough.
You know yours has never been eaten before.
It won't complain if you chew on it.
It comes chocolate flavoured.
You always know when to get rid of it.
You can return it---satisfaction guaranteed.
It's always ready to go.
You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
It won't wake you up because it's hard.
You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're
bragging.
It won't take up room in your bed.
It's easy to pick up.
You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
You know what the extra weight is from.
It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
It is very pliable.
How Dogs And Men Are The Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Neither does any dishes.
11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
12. Both like dominance games.
13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
15. Neither understands what you see in cats.
Why Does He Always Have To...
Be dressed and ready to go before you are?
Put ketchup on everything except rice pudding?
Get off the phone in a microsecond if he answers when your mother calls?
Pretend he likes stars like Julia Roberts and Sharon Stone because of their acting ability?
Drive 20 miles over the speed limit?
Act as if his razor is priceless and should never be touched?
Toss change, keys, credit cards, on the dresser, no matter how many charming containers you provide?
Hand you the "living section" when you ask for part of the paper?
Make elaborate snacks the minute you've finished cleaning the kitchen?
Be such a charmer with your best friend after you've privately told her what a beast he's been all week?
Drink milk from the carton with great gusto?
Not understand the "toilet-seat thing"?
Assume you will take care of gifts, cards, and flowers for his family?
Want you to make a fuss when he does some little household chore unasked?
Say "I am listening to you" when he's not?
Get lost rather than ask directions?
Wait until you are dressed and made-up to suggest a quickie?
Put clothes on top of the hamper instead of in it?
Talk obsessively about traffic and traffic routes with other men (as in, "Did you take Route Seven?" "The Taconic was bumper-to-bumper").
Wash all the dishes in the sink, but leave the big, dirty pots and pans for you?
Be convinced, no matter what you tell him, bigger is better?
Stand at the refrigerator, shouting, "Honey, where's the mustard?" when it's right in front of him?
Turn the volume way down on the TV or stereo if he feels like talking, as if you weren't really listening anyway?
Spend hours measuring and making minute pencil marks on the wall when you ask him to hang up a few framed photos, then plop on the couch for the rest of the weekend with the weariness of a man who's just single-handedly built the railroad?
Take charge of everybody's automatic window buttons in the car?
Say "I'm starving" the minute you walk in the door?
Revert to the age of two during minor illnesses...as in: "Bring me home-made lemonade with lots of ice and a bendy straw!" or "People have actually died from a sprained toe, ya know!"?
Hit the shower immediately after sex?
Be sent to the store with a detailed grocery list and return with four six-packs, an economy-size bag of generic taco chips, and twelve Popsicles?
Constantly ask, "Where'd I put my keys? as though you watch his every move?
Complain there's nothing on TV but continue to watch (and channel surf) for the rest of the evening?
Observe that you have a closet full of stuff you never wear just as you're leaving to go shopping?
Leave his shoes in the living room?
Eat the last piece of leftover chicken and stick the saran-wrapped empty plate back in the fridge?
Readjust himself (private parts) in front of you as if you're not looking?
Forget to zip his fly?
Accuse you of having PMT?
Hold an umbrella over you so that the rain invariably drips down your neck?
Tell you to "Shhh" until the next commercial - even if what you have to say is important?
Make horrible little hissing sounds when he's bored?