Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all
those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey
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Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all
those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
Steele to the post. --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington,
Rhode Island
The problem with some people is that when
they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be
drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to
keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the
temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to
pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure,
hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even
have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I
gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of
life, so get wasted all of the time and have the
time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to
heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have
a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some
kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but
at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out
of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while
drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in
the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you
that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone
is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold?
So you can distinguish it from urine.
--David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will
conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a
drop of sweet, tasty beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don't like you and you
don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get
back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
Well, we got one here :)
You're on, Parksie!!!!!
I was referring to a woman who loves beer...but anyways...here goes!
*cranks up fortune*
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There's too much blood in my alcohol stream.
Quote:
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her knickers all tattered and torn.
For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
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The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
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There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a woman's breasts.
One is not enough and three are too many.
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People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-- Woody Allen
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To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
-- 19th century toast
Quote:
He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
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Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
A: The moustache.
Quote:
Confucious say:
squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
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I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman
got pregnant, someone left town.
-- Michael Prichard
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Q: What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
A: An incurable romantic.
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When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
is away and you get twice as much done.
-- Daniel B. Luten
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Man, n.:
An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
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Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Oh, how did I get leprosy?
Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
Oh why did I get syphillis?
Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
-- "Leprosy," to the tune of "Yesterday"
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How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
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A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
out in public!"
"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
showing that thing to everybody."
And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
when he hands her $1000.
"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
you to?" she asks.
"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
the money."
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
tears welling up in her eyes.
"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
Quote:
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
Quote:
Originally posted by parksie
Quote:
A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
out in public!"
"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
showing that thing to everybody."
And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
when he hands her $1000.
"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
you to?" she asks.
"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
the money."
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
tears welling up in her eyes.
"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
Hehehe!!!!!!!!!!
When I am mad I want chocolate,
When I am sad I want fudge,
When I have sung,
I think you'd agree
Chocolate is cheaper than therapy!!!!!!!!
I could sing of the psychology of chocolate,
and freudian theories on fugde,
but when I had sung,
I think you'd agree,
chocolate is cheaper than therapy
There's dental decay from chocolate,
and addipose tissue from fudge,
But when all is lost,
despite dental cost,
chocolate is cheaper than therapy
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FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
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Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or
uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But
if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God
other parts of our bodies are dumber.
How man trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because the world revloves around them!
What's the difference between a trumpet and a chain saw?
Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trumpet, but doesn't.
How many trumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."