I got a watch from my sister and a gas BBQ from my parents. I also got lots of CDs. I was pretty spoiled this time around....but I deserve it ;-)
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I got a watch from my sister and a gas BBQ from my parents. I also got lots of CDs. I was pretty spoiled this time around....but I deserve it ;-)
How Dogs & Men are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are suspicious of the postman
Both are bad at asking you questions
Both fart shamelessly
Both like dominance games
Both tend to smell riper with age
Neither of them tells you what's bothering them.
Neither of them does dishes.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Men only have two feet to track in mud.
[Edited by barrk on 12-26-2000 at 01:58 PM]
Men can buy you presents
Men don't have to play with every man they see
when you take them around the block
Men open their own cans
Men don't eat cat poo on the sly
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it
Men don't drool. Well, most don't
Men can do math stuff.
When men have to go outside in the rain, they don't stand in the doorway and whine
Dogs have dog-breath ALL the time
why does barrkie have no life and keeps posting..
oops
did you have a good christmas katie?
Holiday Inns accept men
Yes..kovan, I did. I am bored now though. No one is here....well, only a few of us. Did you have a nice break? I thought you weren't going to be around anymore!
i sleped most of the time
my official celebration begins tomorrow
and ummm me not be around?
cmoon i would miss you too much
but i wont be aroudn after new years
i still got 2 more working days :)
What sort of things do you do to celebrate? What are you celebrating?
you know
i been fasting for the past month (from dawn til sunset)
and today is the last day for fasting (3 more hours to go)
and tomorrow is the day were i can eat during the day
and is official celebration to mark end of Ramadan (fasting month)
the celebration is called EID
what do we do?
we EAT lots of food
family gatherings
presents
almost like any other religious holiday
and we eat LOTS
BDSM I can guess at... but what is arugula?Quote:
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest
arugula.
My heart bleeds... over here we pay $1.20 per litre! (i.e. $5.50 a gallon)Quote:
11. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere
else in the U.S.
Love the jokes about engineers. Here is one for you.
A manager, a project planner an engineer and a programmer are driving to an important meeting when the brakes on the car fail on a steep hill. Luckily they manage to drive into a ditch and thanks to the airbags, despite the speed, nobody is badly hurt.
The manager says "I want to know who is responsible for the crash. Who hired that car - we will fire them - and then we will sue the hire company".
The project planner says "No no, we need to know if the crash is going to affect our schedule. We must find out where the nearest hire car depot is and re-schedule the meeting".
The engineer says "No, we need to find out what caused the crash - lets get the car back to base, examine the brakes and send them back to the lab for examination"
The programmer says "That crash really shouldn't have happened. Let's roll her back up the hill and see if it happens again...
Cheers,
P.
Basically...arugala is a bunch of weeds.
Hehehe.
Katie - no problem...the photos are a right laugh. (we got more cheers than any one else except the lead, so...)
photos??????????????????
...from our school play.
Quote:
We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
-- Pat Paulsen for President
Quote:
Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
Quote:
On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find
a man making love to the corpse.
"Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
that woman is dead!"
"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
"I thought she was an American!".
Well....let's see them!!!!!!
Quote:
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "****".
Once they've been developed / scanned...I'll inflict them on you :)
Quote:
Arkansas:
Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
Quote:
The New Right:
A javelin team that elects to receive.
Code:There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred,
there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great,
there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted,
I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate.
I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted,
And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good.
And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed,
They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood.
You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs,
You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground.
You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found.
...Because...
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful,
spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine.
but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies,
semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine.
-- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
Quote:
When a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
Quote:
Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
Okay Katie - your go!
After two years of marriage, Tom was still questioning his wife about
her lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," Tom asked for the thousandth time, "how many men have
you been with?"
"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Tom promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to tell him.
"Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers, "One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
thirteen....."
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
Redneck Olympics
10. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by
the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
9. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns
out to be owned by the Governor.
8. The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.
7. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at
muskrats and ATF agents.
6. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Pissin
Competition."
5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
4. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of
gold, silver, and bronze teeth.
3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle
rockets.
2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to
all them extra toes.
1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.
Dogs' New Year's Resolutions
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
MONEY...
It can buy you a House
But not a Home
It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy you a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in
life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your
Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A truer Friend than me you will never find.
CASH ONLY, PLEASE.
A woman was very distraught at the fact she had not had a date
nor any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something
wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a
sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese
sex therapist. So she went and saw him. Upon entering the
examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "OK,
take off aw your crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now," said
Wang, "get dow on knees and craw reery, reery, fass away from me
to the other side of room."
Having done what Dr. Wang said, "Okay, now turn around and craw
reery, reery fass to me."
Once again she obliged. Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "OK, your
probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease....worse
case I ever see... that why you not have dates, that why you not
have sex."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
1. Bill Gates Downloads Here
2. Do Not Flush Mouse Pads Down The Toilet
3. To Flush, Press Handle. You Do Not Need To
Hold Control, Alt, And Delete At the Same Time.
4. For a good time, e-mail SUZIE@ohmygod/Im/about/tohave/an.org
5. Why can't Bill Gates get a date?
Because he is MICROSOFT
6. MICROSOFT: Where Do You Want To Go
Today?...in the crapper!
7. Microsoft Speelchecker Rules!
8. Your mother is so fat, it takes 25 minutes to
download a naked picture of her.
9 . THE BASIC PROGRAM:
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try Real Hard
40: If Nothing, Then goto 30
50: If Something, Then goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit
10. Ray has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! - Carl
Carl still plays with his Wang! - Ray
Yeah, well you both still program in DOS - Fred
Byte Me! - Ray & Carl
11. IBM we all BM
Things you wish you could say at work
1. Ahhh...I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10.I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
11.I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13.I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14.I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15.I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16.Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
17.The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18.Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19.What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20.I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21.It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22.Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23.No, my powers can only be used for good.
24.You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25.Who me? I just wander from room to room
26.And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27.Do I look like a people person?
28.This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29.I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31.You!... Off my planet!
32.Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33.Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34.A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35.Allow me to introduce my selves.
36.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38.Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40.I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41.A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42.Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
43.Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
44.Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45.Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46.Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
47.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48.I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49.If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too
much....
partying, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm so tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces which leaves 16.2 million to do the
work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Government , and that leaves 14 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,00 people to do the work.
Now there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting here reading jokes!
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the
1994 Miss Universe contest
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life. --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward