:eek: :D
Printable View
:eek: :D
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"
"We'll see," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.
"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."
"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."
A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's absolutely incredible! I'll give you £100 right now for the frog."
"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.
"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."
"Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
How do you know when your staying in a hotel in Okotoks, Alta?
When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."
__________________________________________________
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Saskatchewan to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
__________________________________________________
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alberta?
A documentary.
_________________________________________________
How many rednecks does it take to eat a deer?
Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic.
__________________________________________________
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Manitoba. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
________________________________
An Albertan RCMP pulls over a pickup truck on Highway 2.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says "Bout what?"
__________________________________________________
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Saskatchewan Provincial Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
__________________________________________________
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Manitoba?
Nearly everyone has the same DNA.
__________________________________________________
Did you hear that the Premier's house in Calgary, Alberta Burned Down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
_______________________________________________
Two Albertans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guess how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmmmmm . . . five?"
__________________________________________________
What do a divorce in Alberta, a tornado in Saskatchewan and a flood in Manitoba have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
__________________________________________________
An Albertan came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks?"
__________________________________________________
Why do folks in Manitoba go to the movies theater in groups of 18 or more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I stuff and mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her:
"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No"
"Please"
"Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."
A bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, gis us a lager dere lar! Hey, our kid is dat God's Boy down dere?"
The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed! "The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't you friggin touch me our kid, I'm on disability!"
Code:How do you keep a blond busy?
(scroll down)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(scroll up)
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said,
"Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!"
There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was
getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could
spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green
grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all
excited,
"Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"
"I'm a cow."
"Right, right. What do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool."
The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.
"Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a chicken."
"Oh, right. What do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see ya round."
Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran
over to it and said,
"Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and keeping the same tagline............
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear condoms - "for a longer ride go wide"
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Flash condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the
hardwork.
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size matters!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
Mars condoms - a condom a day helps you work rest and play
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - its a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)
Two explorers are caught by a pigmy tribe in the jungle.
They are both taken to the chief of the tribe who gives them two choices.
DEATH or UNBONGO.
The first explorer thinks 'Hmmm Don't fancy death much' and replies UMBONGO.
UMBONGO shouts the tribe.
two pigmy's grab the explorer and strap over a tree stump which is followed by every male pigmy in the tribe giving him a good ole rogerin up the pooper doop shute.
He is then untied and left violated and bleeding on the ground
The chief then turns to the other explorer and says
DEATH or UNBONGO.
The explorer thinks 'Don't fancy death much but I'm damed if I'm going through that'
He replies 'I choose DEATH'
The whole tribe erupts and the chief shouts...
'DEATH BY UMBONGO'
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be one penny."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four pence," he replies.
"Four pence?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
Two men are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don`t get it," complains the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, he drives a beat up wreck of a car, and yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationalist. All he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He sauntered back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
So the punter says "Why is this place so cheap?", to which the barman replies, "Well we're celebrating VE day and tonight we're charging the same prices as back in the 40's"Quote:
Originally posted by InvisibleDuncan
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be one penny."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four pence," he replies.
A few minutes later, the punter notices some other customers over in the corner with no drink, no food. He asks the barman, "Why aren't those guys drinking?"
"They're waiting for Happy Hour".
E-mail v. *****
1. Some folks have it, some don't.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
3. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow
inferior.
4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think
it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it. (e-mail
envy)
6. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this
makes it hard to get any real work done.
7. In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information vital to the survival of the species. Some people
still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most
folks today use it for fun most of the time.
8. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread
viruses.
9. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more
difficult to think coherently.
10. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its
actual size and influence warrant.
11. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you
into a lot of trouble.
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest
military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main
Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all
under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us
entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official
watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said,
"'do all these children and this luggage belong to you?''
''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''
The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have
any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''
''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items,
I would have used them by now.''
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came
upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the
following symbols, in this order of appearance:
A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of
stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a
huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they
could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of
their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:
"This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family-
oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they
were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they
were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The
next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the
earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea
for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which
means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled
and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement
with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old man stood up in
the back of the room and said, "Idiots! You are all wrong about
what the writings say. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrew
is not read from left to right, but from right to left. Look
again. ... It now says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That
Woman!"
Quote:
Originally posted by InvisibleDuncan
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"
"We'll see," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.
"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."
"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."
A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's absolutely incredible! I'll give you £100 right now for the frog."
"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.
"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."
"Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
HAHAHAHA thats a great one.
I am gonna have to remember that. thanks!!! :D
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave aroundthe cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech."And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
(NOTE: No offense meant with this one, really! :) )
Why are some girls like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
Why won't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
(It's a thread for short jokes, remember? :D )
This is the best one here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Quote:
Two men are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don`t get it," complains the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, he drives a beat up wreck of a car, and yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationalist. All he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."
It's the only one I did not get too :D Will someone please explain it to me? :rolleyes:
I dont get it either
Oh dear . . . . hmmm let's see - oral sex isn't just something a bird performs on a bloke (apparently) and therefore if he can lick his own eyebrows he's got a very long, very flexible tongue . . . . personally I like to rearrange my hairdo with mine . . .
I just prefer to be able to tap women on the shoulder but not use my hands ... ;) lol
Why do cinemas in Northern Spain have more than one way out?
I don't know; why do cinemas in Northern Spain have more than one way out?
So you don't get all your Basques in one Exit.Quote:
Originally posted by InvisibleDuncan
I don't know; why do cinemas in Northern Spain have more than one way out?
Grooooooooaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!! :rolleyes:
( :D )
Guy goes into a cafe, and asks for a cup of coffee without cream. Waiter says, "Sorry Sir, we're out of cream. Will you have it without milk instead?"
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escapes from prison?
A small medium at large!
What do you do if you are an insomniac that is agnostic and dyslexic?
You stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog!
What do you get when you cross LSD with the pill?
A trip without the kids!
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all......
that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Well barrk, are you going to answer your questions or just leave us all hanging?
I answered all of them! They are on the bottom of each post.
Oh. Yeah. You are right. (Too much coffee today)
Have yu had enough bad jokes or shall I continue?
Bad jokes? I thought they were above the standard of a lot of mine... ;)
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
InvisibleDuncan is the Master Of Groan!
Well this one is not THAT funny, I'm just posting it because it says it's a true story :D
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having
a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get
her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a
plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver,
no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a
nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A
thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working
order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the
prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys
jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on
water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped
securely in place, was the trailer.
On Marriage: One-Liners
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She
said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for
success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving
woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul
Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The
other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife
did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful.
How do you know your getting old?
You have dry dreams and wet farts
:D
Years ago I had a secretary who was- to say the least- cranially challenged, although she was quite well known in the Bristol area, get my drift.
Anyway, this was long before cellphones and I used to carry a radio pager. I got to a customer late one afternoon having been out of the office most of the day, only to find the guy I was going to see, rushing out.
He aplogised, but said he'd called my office to cancel, and had asked the secy to page me. Of course, I'd had no pager message.
So next morning, wondering if she'd paged me or not- she might have, I thought, because the reception was often a bit iffy- I asked her if the guy had called and had she paged me.
Her answer: "How could I, I didn't know where you were."
.... how did you enjoy the play, Mrs Lincoln?
Dear Derdrie,
I met Laurie at a singles dance. I knew as soon as I looked at her she was too young for me. Right I was. I was 54 and she was 32. Twenty-two years my junior. I really regretted it because we got along so well that evening. She made me feel so comfortable in her presence. Our age difference didn't seem to matter to her as much as it did to me.
I told her I felt people staring at us. I said they are probably wondering if I am your father. She thought I was being silly and said if I wanted to see her again she would be honored to go out with me.
Laurie and I have been dating now for three months. I really like her and I think she likes me.
Still, everywhere we go, I feel people watching us. Sometimes they just outright stare. It is very annoying and I know it is our age difference that draws these prolonged looks from everyone we meet. I just feel so uncomfortable about this whole thing.
Why do people have to be so rude....?
Sincerely,
Ted
P.S.----- I have attached a picture of Laurie
Not a joke but then again ... :D
www.engrish.com
2 guys walk into a bar. ouch.
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."
"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
Here's a typical British joke: :)
How does a cow get out of a well?
Wet :D
And here's a typical Portuguese jokes: :)
A woman was reading the newspaper while waiting for the bus. She was reading about some new statistics that they just did at a research center, and suddenly said to the man right next to her:
- Did you know that every time I breath, someone dies?
And the man replies:
- And did you try washing your teeth?
:D