Jokes...

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31









Programming Languages are Like Cars
Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive.
You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and
fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.
FORTH: A go-cart.
LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only
in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No
other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you.
Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle.

i love the jokes you have to think about... hehehe:D

Why didn't you say :p

How do you confuse an idiot....
Purple !

THE 26 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a ****.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
6. Ahhh, I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
13. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
14. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
15. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
17. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
18. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
19. No, my powers can only be used for good.
20. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
21. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
22. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
23. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
24. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
26. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
AND............
Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of ****ing sunshine?
2. Do I look like a ****ing people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
5. You! Off my planet!!
6. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of
self-control.
7. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
8. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
9. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
10. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
11. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
12. Earth is full, Go home.

The husband comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the
couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it
starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me
another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do
tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV?

You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The husband sighs and says, "It's started"

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited
to tea with HRM The Queen. President Bush asks her Majesty what
her "real" leadership philosophy is. HRM replies that it is quite
simply to surround herself with intelligent people. President Bush then
asks how she knows if they're truly intelligent.

"I usually do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."

She then phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer
this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair immediately responds ,"Certainly, the child would be me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, Mr. Prime Minister" says the Queen. She
hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. President?"

"Yes, your Majesty. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that one!"

Upon returning to Washington, President Bush decides he'd better put the
Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons
Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."

"Why, of course, Mr. President"... What's on your mind?"

"Uhh," says President Bush, "your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to
you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other
senior Republican senators, and they proceed to puzzle over the question
for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in
desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains
his problem.

Senator Helms poses the question as follows "Now lookee here, son, your
mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Senator Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims,
"Mr. President, I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin
Powell!"

President Bush replies in total disgust: "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony
Blair!"

How to keep a fool in suspense?






























I'll tell you tommorow..:)

Windows 95:
32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to
an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit
microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand
1-bit of competition.

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even
better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of
my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's
hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus
check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money
anyway.