Short jokes (oh, and some longer ones)

THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning

...and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...


1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR

An Afghan's been found dead in Michael Barrymore's pool.

Police think he is a suicide bummer.

hahahaha

http://www.vbforums.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=579748

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
And you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Best Comeback Ever ?

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended

Eminem's tour of Australia is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening
attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, alcohol, drug and solvent
abuse, gambling, irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course,
the dungarees.

But Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and judge
the Australians for himself."

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.

a man walked into a bar...

So this Buddhist goes up to a hot-dog vendor & says
"Make me One with everything"

And after he's handed over his money, the Buddhist says "Oy mate, aren't you going to give me my change?"
To which the hot dog vendor replies "No my son, change comes from within".

One day Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, bread rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps descends on him from a great height and knocks him to the ground.

"Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath....


"It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer."

Store Detective sees a young child, not more than 4 years old, stood on his own in the middle of the supermarket, bawling his eyes out.

"What's up, young man?" he asks.

"I've lost my mummy," weeps the lad.

"What's mummy like?" asks the Store Detective.

"Vodka and big willies," replies the boy.

What's this?
http://www.vbforums.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=586712

OK Joke 100

What's brown and found in little kids underpants??



















Michael Jacksons Hand:eek:

Duffy the Hamper Sprayer :(

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees"

Prison vs Work

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to
pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock
and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.

So there was this poetry contest. The contestants were: A Harvard graduate and soon to be classic book writer, and a red-neck hic.

The rules of the poetry contest is that the poem had to end with "Timbuktu." The Arvard graduate was given his 5 minutes to write the poem then he approached the podium, vleared hus throat and began:
"They crossed the desert sands
In a dusty caravan,
They travelled two-by-two,
Destination Timbuktu."

...And the audience loved it!! They just applauded and bravoed and clapped for soooo long. They were all thinking "How could this red-neck hic possibly outshow this Harvard graduate's GREAT poem?" The red-neck was given his time, then he came up to the podium, and after being shown how to use the microphone, he began:

"Tim 'n me a'hunting went
Found three *****s in a popup tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I buck one and Tim buck two."
:D

TRUE STORY (really):

Andrew Ness and Patrick Ness (twin brothers) were going to a boarding school (for us yankees thats a live at school school). One day, the principal said "Hello everyone. Before I begin, I would like to see in my office after the assembly A. Ness and P. Ness."

The following is reputedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, and is now making its way around the Internet.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed, or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This allows two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year that, "... it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
The student received the only "A" given.

As my pa always said, "The day I can't do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun."

Isnt this supposed to be "short jokes"? Long ones belong here.

TERMS TO ADD TO YOUR VOCABULARY IN THE EARLY 2000s OFFICE

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a huge CLM.

OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sarah, my ... um, friend."

BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Ally McBeal, Monica Lewinsky, etc.

DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a Vice President at a ownsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

An oldie but a goodie.....

Three guys go into a pub for a few drinks. They've been at the pub for
about an hour and are having a good time. All of a sudden, a man sitting
at
a table at the other end of the pub stands up, points to one of the guys
and
shouts, "Oi - I've shagged your mum!" Not wanting any trouble, the guys
ignore him and carry on chatting and drinking.
About 30 minutes later, the man stands up again, points at one of the
guys
and shouts, "Oi - your mum's sucked my c*ck!" The guys are a bit
offended
but stay quiet as they are having a good time and don't want to ruin the evening.

After about 15 minutes, the man stands up again and shouts out, "Oi -
I've
sh*gged your mum up the arse!" The man has gone a bit too far this time,
so
one of the guys stands up and shouts back, "DAD, YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH TO
DRINK - NOW GO HOME!"

http://www.vbforums.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=588637

MONDAYS:

8:00 - "Husseinfeld"

8:30 - "Mad About Everything"

9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"

9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"

10:00 - "Allah McBeal"


TUESDAYS:

8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"

8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"

9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"

9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"

10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"


WEDNESDAYS:

8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"

8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"

9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"

9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"

10:00 - "Veilwatch"


THURSDAYS:

8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"

8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"

9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"

9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"


Anybody care to add a schedule for Friday??

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for heart surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied the man, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Yesterday I was on the Underground travelling on the Northern line. A man of Arabic appearance got off the train and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the escalator and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful to me and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of banknotes. He offered me a reward, but I refused. So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to with a word of advice for you. Stay away from Aberdeen Steak Houses."

I was terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" I whispered.

"No" he whispered back "I went there yesterday evening - the food was crap and the dessert selection extremely limited."

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do,
when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You're
probably the best lover I've ever had, but every time we make love you
give me splinters."

This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks
advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out"
Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously
thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware
store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of
sandpaper the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good
with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local
repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer
probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for
such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the
printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know
that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things
themselves first."

David Beckham is the guest speaker at a management seminar.

He steps up to the podium and begins his speech.

"They're small and minty and keep my breath fresh for up to two hours, and to Victoria's delight they're only two calories".

The audience looks stunned, when a small voice from the side
of the podium whispers:- "No David, you're here to talk about tactics."

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then
asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a *****."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never
work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states,
"I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do
with being a ***** or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

WARNING FROM WEST YORKSHIRE POLICE

Clubbers in the North of England have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous practise is known as 'E by gum'

*Bump*

Oops how'd that 'appen then? Better post a joke...

What have a woman and a KFC got in common?

Once you've finished with the breast and thighs, you're left with a greasy bucket to stick your bone in.

A termite walks into a bar and asks for the bar tender...

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynaecologist have in common?

I know I'll regret this, but:

I don't know, what do a pizza delivery boy and a gynaecologist have in common?

They can look

They can smell














..But they can't taste

HA ha ha ho ho ho titter titter guffaw:p