Post Race!

Now why the hell didn't I notice this thread before?

...

Oh well.

Toss another stick on the fire.

~Zero the Inestimable

"This is a long thread. Click here to review it."

D'ya think?

I've got an idea. Let's make this the world's longest post in the world's longest thread.

Gather 'round kiddies... Story time.

*AHem.*

Kandar Rigel's Book of Elucidation

---

There is a time and a place for everything.

Literally.

There are those who claim that, for every decision made, the road of time diverges, undergoing an amoeba-style mitosis in which there is one child universe for each possible outcome. This leads to a number of planes of existence exponentially approaching infinity.
This theory, while bearing interesting ramifications, and being tantalizingly close to the truth, makes little sense when one analyzes the mechanics. Such a multiverse would contain a rapidly increasing amount of total matter, energy, and space. Such reckless abandon of all semblance of conservation laws is a reprehensible way to run a multiverse, and any god who tries it will soon realize His mistake. It's certainly not how I run My multiverse.
I am V'kesh, the Arbiter. This is My book, the Book of Elucidation. In it, I reveal the mysteries of existence to you, my chosen people. I trust you will treat it with the respect it merits.

On second thought, let's start at the beginning, shall we? If we skip the boring bits about who begot whom, we might make it through to the end by the back cover.


---

In the beginning, there was nothing. Don't mistake that for void, oh faithful; I really mean nothing. Not even space, or time. Okay, I guess it wasn't really the beginning, per se, until I started time up, since there cannot, by definition, be a point considered 'before time', really. So let's call it 'the potential state of All'. This was the state in which I thought about how My multiverse would be, and, in the course of My meditations upon it, I decided it best and most fitting that there be a time and a place for everything.
Thus did I create time and space infinite. There are literally more planes of existence under My jurisdiction than any number conceivable could accurately apply to. Each began the same, of course, and each of the myriad possibilities involved in a universe take shape in different ways in different universes, so that no possibility is neglected. In this way, I preserve all that could have been, by causing it to be. Just elsewhere.
Now, once I had decided that this was how it would be, there was no longer nothing. True, there was void, but it was void with rules, with order. It was space, and time, in immeasurable quantity. And it was good.
Obviously, though, it would be a waste for such an ingenious system to be left cataloguing and keeping track of void for all eternity. What differences could it maintain? What diversity could it conserve? So I set about creating matter to make use of the space, and energy to make use of the time. On the second day, thus, I created the stars, the planets, the sun, the moon, and the world on which you live, dear faithful, so like, and yet in many ways so different, from its counterpart in all the other places this book, in various format, shall appear.
It was in this endeavor that I became aware of just how much work I had made for Myself. Like the conscientious deity I am, I therefore created upon the third day an organization of angels upon which to delegate much of My authority. Among these are certain names which you would do well to remember, Pir'tgani, Meva'oliss, Chritokinnes, and Saavanor. To these I gave the most important jobs, and, accordingly, the greatest power and wisdom.
On the fourth day, I rested. Thus is the fourth of every thirteen days a sacred day of rest. It was during this time that My angels toiled for Me, creating upon the world its multitude of plants, trees, vegetables, and so forth. It seems they were overly fond of green. In light of this, then, those who must work on the Fourth Day shall wear green, and shall take pride in being the producers of valuable goods and services.
On the fifth day, I came down onto the world I had wrought (in each of its incarnations, as My parallel universes affect not the divine, such as Myself and My angels). I looked upon the work of My angels, and saw that it was good. Well, that and herbiferous. To contrast all the green, I created examples of all the beasts of the land, and the fish of the sea, and the birds of the sky, and once I had created each after its kind, I handed the stuff of creation to Chritokinnes, saying, "Thou seeest how such things are wrought. Make thyself useful and handle it from here." His first work was the parrot, but still, it was green. And I waxed wroth, saying, "Look ye upon the hawk, My fine and noble bird. It hath the plumage not of a tree fern, but of a bird!" And Chritokinnes did create the falcon, and thence the eagle, and I saw that it was good, and did leave him to his toil.
On the sixth day, I created the elves of the woodland. In My great wisdom and understanding, I knew that My angels dearly loved their green things, and I saw fit to make a people who also did. Thence did I hand the stuff of creation to Saavanor, and I did say, "Look ye upon this, for it is my crowning creation. That one on the left is male, and that one on the right is female. Thou shalt do as thy brother, and fashion many a variation upon this theme." And quoth he, "What, more beasts of the land? For lo, they have legs, and hair, and, much as Thy other beasts, and unlike our herbiture, they come in two fruit flavors." This, to say the least, was not a well-chosen thing to say to one's Lord and Master. "What," crew I, "dost thou accuse My masterpiece of being yet more of yesterday's work? Why, thou villein, it is no fault of Mine if thou and thy brethren cannot conceive of such complicated concepts as duality!" In My wrath, I blessed the elves with sense and rationality, with an intellect and wisdom to surpass that of My angelic servants*. Saavanor was thus chastened, and, in humility, he did create the men of the plains, in male and female, and likewise the dwarves of the mountains. And I saw that it was good, and did leave him to his toil.
On the seventh day, I created one grand and glorious tree, in the fashion of those My angels did create, but superior, and more blessed. It was a Tree of Infinite Possibilities, and the sign I did post so declared it. It rose three hundred cubits into the air, and its branches did spread two hundred ells around, and its seed took fruit in the form of logarithms and algorithms, probabilistic equations and biochemistry formulae. "This," I told Meva'oliss, "is the Tree of Infinite Possibilities. It shall foster the diversity which I plan. Suffer not the mortals to touch it, lest they gain control over their destinies, and so befoul my Grand Design with unwarranted variables." Meva'oliss looked at the Tree, and was penitent that he had tried to comprehend. "Thy wisdom exceeds me, O Lord," he stated politely, "for an Thou wishest that this Tree not be touched, nor its fruit eaten of," and I interrupted him, saying, "Yes, that's good, suffer them not to eat of its fruit, as well." Thus did he continue, "Given that the case, O Lord, why madest Thou this Tree in this forest, wherein Thou didst place Thy people, the elves, the first folk?" I looked long upon My creation, the Tree, and puzzled over why I had done so. At last, I spoke, saying unto Meva'oliss, "Thy Lord works in mysterious ways, My son. Thou shalt do as thou art bid without questioning." And Meva'oliss did bow his head in humility, and take up a flaming sword which I did create for him, and take to guarding the Tree faithfully. And I saw that it was good, and did leave him to his toil.
On the eighth day, I was walking among My creations, when I stepped on something that went 'squish'. I looked beneath My heel, and there found a flat frog. And I saw that it too was green, and I waxed wroth. Thus did I go in search of Chritokinnes, and quoth, "Chritokinnes," whereupon he replied "What?" I gestured to the frog upon the underside of My sacred foot, and I did ask of him, "Wherefore didst thou create this slimy creature?" He answered back neatly, "I was creating beasts of the land as Thou didst command, O Lord, and I chanced to make a one which hops, and is green. Is it not truly spiffy, Master?" I glowered unto him, and was about to reply, when I saw, with My infinite knowledge, that there was a village just on that hill behind his left shoulder. "Who liveth there?" I queried sharply of him. "The goblins of the gnoll, O Lord," he answered back. "They are a people, like unto the elves." And so I did go among the goblins, and I did see that they, too, were green. Thus did I shout, "SAAVANOR!!!!!" but response came there none, save only that the goblins fled. I spent much of that night in deep thought.
On the ninth day, I created a plague of insects, and set them loose upon My creation. "This," I did say unto Myself, "shall show them aright." The bugs of My genesis did bite and sting and harry the people, and the beasts, especially those that were green. And thus did Saavanor come before Me at last, and he did say, "O Exalted One, why hast Thou unleashed the vermin upon my people? Thy deeds have so enraged Chritokinnes that he hath created vermin of his own, rats of the tunnel, to combat them, and my goblins have become quite brutal in their wrath." And quoth I, "Serves them aright." In hindsight, I could have chosen better words.
In his wroth, Saavanor cursed Me to My face, saying, "May Thy teeth fall out and be replaced by after-dinner-mints of the cheapest kind, Lord! Thy ill deeds this day shall live ever in the hatred of Thy people, and in the lint that collects on socks!"
"Darest thou speak so freely of thy Lord and Master, villein?! I shall show thee hatred!" And with that, I smote him with a quadratic equation, and he did turn and flee, and I saw that it was good, and left him to his plight.
On the tenth day, I was crafting the lights of the sky, beginning with the rainbow, then continuing with the aurora. While I was so occupied, howsoever, Meva'oliss did chance to see Saavanor, wandering through the wood. And Saavanor did say unto Meva'oliss, "Wherefore dost thou guard this tree, my brother? Be it not best that the people of this world take the reigns of their lives into their own hands?"
"So it would seem," replied the righteous Meva'oliss, "and yet our Lord, the Arbiter, hath declared that this tree shall wreak its diversity upon the world with pristinely arbitrary chance, that no will shall bend it to any purpose but that of V'kesh Himself."
Quoth Saavanor, "V'kesh is a smeghead. Look ye unto these people. They are more clever, more wise than even we, and more deserving of the power given unto us. V'kesh does not see that, so He is less wise still. He created us. We have less power and more wisdom, and thus are deserving of greater power. These, the people I have created, are still less powerful, and still more wise and deserving. Thus should we give unto them the power of possibility, of potential. These imponderables which so elude us shall be meat and drink for these clever people you seek to protect them from. Is it not best that they who can do most with this power should be given it?"
But Meva'oliss, dutiful Meva'oliss, quoth, "Thou speakest against V'kesh, He who created us. How darest thou rise above thy station? I shall guard this tree as I am bid, even without the wherefore I do so. Do thou stand down, lest I strike thee down!"
And thus did Saavanor call forth his people, the men, the dwarves, the goblins, the gnomes, the fraggles, the smurfs, the faeries, the trolls, the ogres, the drealms, the werewolves, the vampyres, the fauns, the nymphs, and even the noble elves, whom Saavanor had tricked with his tricksome.... tricks.
And Meva'oliss did see this approaching swarm, and he did wield his flaming** sword, turning it on every side to press back the encroaching hoard. But Saavanor was tricksome, and he did distract Meva'oliss from his sacred duty, saying, "Look, brother, thy shoelaces are untied!" In this early age, this trick had never before been dreamt, and so Meva'oliss was fooled. Looking down unto his bare feet, as shoes had yet to be wrought by men, he failed to defend My tree, and the people did come upon the tree and eat of its fruit, and they gained some insight into the working of the world, being metallurgy, agriculture, plumbing, carpentry, sorcery, and various other of the ways in which the world is exploited.
Meva'oliss soon discovered, though, that his shoes were not untied, and with that he waxed wroth, and set upon Saavanor with a righteous fury, driving him and his people away from the tree and banishing them from the sacred forest in which they had lived. To this day, my Tree of Infinite Possibilities is unattainable to the people of the world. But with Saavanor, Meva'oliss did not stop there, for this was he who had led the people in their betrayal against their Lord, and so Meva'oliss harried Saavanor right to the very doorstep of My celestial scaffolding from which I painted the northern lights.
"What," quoth I, "dost thou stray from thy post to squabble with Saavanor, good Meva'oliss?"
"I serve my post, Master," Meva'oliss did say, "for Saavanor did betray thy word, and did lead the people to eat of the fruit of the Tree of Infinite Possibilities. I have driven the people from the sacred forest, that they may never return, and I have brought Thy ungrateful son to Thee, o Lord, that Thou mayest punish him as Thou dost see fit."
Upon this news, I did grow wroth indeed, and I crew, "Thou wretch, Saavanor! Thou prince of darkness, father of lies! I shall cast thee into the very depths of... of......" and here I did falter, and thought long and hard. Several ideas suggested themselves to Me, including the Lake of Eternal Fire, the Bog of Eternal Stench, and the Pit of Eternal Agony, but none seemed quite infernal enough to be meet for such a cardinal sin as this. At last, I declared, "into the Theater of Mystery Science! And thou shalt have no company save two annoying automata, and thou shalt be forced to watch the worst dramas thy people produce, as a result of the sophistication thou hast given unto them! This shall be thy torture, that thou shalt know the extent of thy sin, and the everlasting effect it shall have!"
And this did I do, creating a theater for the punishment of My unworthy creations, and casting first Saavanor, then each of the people of the world, as they died, into separate theaters, each with but two annoying automata for companions.
On the eleventh day, the rebellion of My people was still fresh in My mind. Insects and a delayed punishment were insufficient. Although they deserved not the severity of Saavanor's torment, the lives they were awarded must somehow be plagued for this misdeed, as some of them didn't particularly like the sacred forest from which they were banished to begin with.
Thus did I create the cloud, and with it, the rain, the wind, and the thunder. Some of the wind and thunder I did make to come even without clouds, to keep things interesting, but the worst always came with them. And I did name My creation a 'storm', and I did send it against my people, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
The knowledge they had stolen from Me, howsomever, came to their aid, and they did quickly build houses, and take cover within them, and so My storm did rage fruitlessly, as they took, too, their foods into the houses with them. Ever after, though, didst the storm of occasion return to plague them.
On the twelfth day, I did look upon the harried people, and took pity. "My children," spake I, "I did not create thee to suffer. Thou wert created to do no more than fulfill My plan, and so I shall relent and allow thee fair weather as well. Further, I shall grant thee true wisdom, unlike the uncertainty and puzzlements thou didst take from My tree. I shall grant thee a religion, an order of faith by which thou mayst worship Me, and obey Me, and thou mayst thrive."
Upon hearing this, there was much shuffling and clearing of throats amongst the people, and a few of the goblins threw frogs at Me. In My state of kindness and pity, howsomever, I banished only the frogs. "Come, hear me out, people, for I am thy Lord and Master, I have created thee, and My angels guide thee. The wicked Saavanor has been punished, but thou art yet spared, upon My goodness and mercy."
Then didst the elves and the men and the drealms and the fraggles and the smurfs and the goblins and so forth step forward, and some of each people did bow down before Me, and call Me their Lord. And I saw that it was good, and left them to their worship.
Thus is the twelfth of every thirteen days a holy day of prayer, upon which thou needs must repent of thy sins against Me, and declare Me thy Lord.
On the thirteenth day, howsomever, as I was receiving the prayer of my people, I did note that there was a hierarchy among them, those considered most holy serving as authorities on how to pray amongst the others. Wondering, I came among them, and told these highest what they ought to say***. Yet, as I went further among man, I saw more and more this effect of structuring, as the people seemingly arbitrarily chose some among them to tell them what to do. I could only tell that some were chosen for strength, others for how loud they could shout, and still others for maintaining the most unreasoning and obscure set of rules. Some were even chosen for heroic or wise deeds, but this was rare.
And, with My infinite wisdom, I set out to find the cause of this, and I did find that, even as I commanded the priests, Saavanor did whisper from afar into the ears of some of the people, and had given them this contrary gift, this scourge of society, bureaucracy.
But I knew that this would simply give the people more ideas for their dramas, and more foul and stilted entertainment would be inflicted upon Saavanor through his own works, and I was glad.
Thus is the story of genesis, and how all things were made. After this, thy book is different from that of all other parallel worlds, for the other parts tell of how things went, beginning next with Neuteronomy.


---

* The most well-known and accurate form of this book to date was discovered in the library of Rhiellvanaramonaguelle, a renowned elven king. Indeed, very little information comes into our hands from any source that did not for significant periods of time depend on elven sources. This may explain some of the less credible facts, if one is inclined to believe that the Book of Elucidation is not entirely immune to corruption, through dint of its sacred contents.

** Possibly flamingo. Uncertain, but in light of context, probably flaming.

*** Or, possibly, 'told these highest they spoke wrong', but most priests will maintain the above version, and cite it as the reason for their infallibility.

~Zero the Inestimable

and

~Kandar Rigel, Paladin of the Pen

We've got a longer one, if that didn't do the trick...

~Zero the Inestimable

:eek:

Wouldnt be a trip if we..hehe added so many posts that it crashed the server!!! hehehhahahah muwhahahahah bUHWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA............

ok sorry i have had one two many packets of sugar :eek:









Taken from saturday night live sketch:

"It is not the ***** mightier...it is THE PEN IS MIGHTIER!!"





* i push you off the post * hehe have a nice fall *waves*





































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































*smash* ......... . . , , , , , , . . . . . .


[Edited by Sophtware on 11-01-2000 at 09:34 PM]

That's gotta hurt...

Is it me, or does the smiley at the top look like an inflatable doll? (I think John's got an interesting past). I'm only saying this because there's one tied to the new boat at Stoney Cove :).

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Now I know the reason why some of you have over 1000 posts :)

It has taken me along time to read all the posts, but here I am finally. Now -


















What was the question?




By ISP or by Host, I'll be last one to post;) [B]NOT[/I]

Cheers all, and keep up the good work, hehehe

Paul.

He, congrats we made it!

So let's step on to 10.000 !!! *hehe*


























































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































You have been warned!

KNEW I wouldn't get the last post in...

Paul.

:o

(¨··…··¨··…)

...

Eventually, ya run out of creative stuff to post.

~Zero the Inestimable

reply....

Go on, leave me here - I need some claim to fame...

P.

I'm the last poster Now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No - you're not HAAAAAAA!

Signs of a deranged thread is when one symbol makes up half of each post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Edited to fix spelling mistakes.


[Edited by Bjwbell on 11-08-2000 at 06:56 PM]

I don't think it's the thread that's deranged!

Got to be last, got to be last....

Note the English mentality - if I was American I would want to be first...(joke)

Night all,

Paul.

Got to GOTO Two Thousand Posts




Two Thousand Posts:
MsgBox "Gosh that was easy!",vbokay,"Two Thousand posts!"

Oi - NO, I'm determined to be last (and I probably won't be around by the time we get to 2,000 posts - I'll have retired:D).

Cheers,

Paul.

/me slams one one into the back of the net and is the last poster. The crowd go wild.


td.

so its war!

No more buds for you, matey<grin>

There can be only one. (swings a rolled up paper masquerading as a sword in a slightly drunken manner - I'd had acouple before you got there <GRIN>)

Cheers,

P.

/me rolls up his sleaves, and prepares himself.
There's a hush in the crowd. The commentator comments, 'can td pull it off?'
td squares up, aims, and WHAM, there goes another post straight in the back of the net, the goalie didn't stand a chance, and td gets the very last post.


Thank you.

td.

Damnation - so you did


Oh no you didn't

Behind you etc...


Paul;)

And while paul and td are struggeling... Edwin Drood sneaks in the back door. We have a winner!!!

I dont think so *hehe*

whasssssuuuuuuuupppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

/me blinks.


(and he has the last post!)


td.

/sneaks in the back.
And we have a winner.

/me falls to his knees, hands aloft, pain on his face, (platoon-esc), Nooooooooo....


Then he realises he's the last post, so everythings ok.


td.

But no - there's just time for one more - its up there, the crowd gasps - the buzzer goes but this post slips in - YAHEY

P.

(Bet the umpire adds overtime though:()

It was a time of war. It was a time of heroes. The future was uncertain...


/me gets in there with the last and greatest of all posts.


td.

What post is that then?

It was a time of disappointment for td...

Cheers,

P.

Code:

---

Public Sub PostRace()
    Dim Garbage As String
    On Error Goto Start
    Forum.PostRace.Create
Start:
    Do While Forum.PostRace.PostsMakeNoSence
        Garbage = RandomString (Rnd * 50000)
        Forum.PostRace.AddEntry Garbage
    Loop
    Forum.PostRace.AddEntry "Jippee!" & Chr(0) & "Someone posted something that makes sence!"
    Forum.PostRace.Close
End Sub

---

[Edited by MerryVIP on 11-13-2000 at 07:06 AM]

Merry,

Sorry dude, but your algorithm is wrong.

There is an arbitrary correction factor the needs to be applied under certain circumstances, which takes into account 'Garbage Noise'. Although, you can be forgiven for not including it, as this wasn't discovered untill Dempsey and Makelove's Universal Noise Correlation experiments in the late 1990's.

The ammended code then becomes

Code:

---

Public Sub PostRace()
    Dim Garbage As String
    On Error Goto Start
    Forum.PostRace.Create
Start:
    Do While Forum.PostRace.PostsMakeNoSence
        Garbage = RandomString (Rnd * 50000)
        if Poster.Location = "USA" then Garbage=Garbage*TalkShite(Garbage)/HeadUpAss(Poster.Name)
        Forum.PostRace.AddEntry Garbage
    Loop
    Forum.PostRace.AddEntry "Jippee!" & Chr(0) & "Someone posted something that makes sence!"
    Forum.PostRace.Close
End Sub

---

td,

Surely Dempsey's corollary states that "Poster.Location = USA" should specifically allow for "And Nationality <> English"

Leading to:

Else
Garbage = NotPossible(QueensEnglishOnly) & "/me continues"

Yours enquiringly,

Paul.

Paul,

This was Dempsey's first assumption, and most of his early theories were constructed around this axiom. However, he found strange behaviour in the result sets returned, and noise that could not be explained. He reasoned that the USA has such a large effect on Universal Noise, that all other locations can be safely ignored.


td.

oh, and another post.

td,

Ta for that, I KNEW I hadn't fully understood the basis of Dempsey's work.

Incidentally, fascinating to see the ongoing proof of that seminal tome in the ongoing Florida Garbage Collection Fiasco.

Of course, that has to be re-written as:

Code:

---

If IQ<English Then
  AbleToVote = True
  Call AbleToVoteCorrectly
Else
  AbleToVote = False 'might cause collapse of democracy
End If

 
Sub AbleToVoteCorrectly
  If In Florida
    Return = False 'Two holes
  Else
    Return = True 'until Bush loses, then we'll have a recount too
  End If
End Sub

---

Paul.

P.S. If my transatlantic buddies are reading this, we don't mean it (too much).



[Edited by paulw on 11-13-2000 at 10:10 AM]

I thought Dempsey was a boxer. American at that.

DerFarm