me too :D
Why are women more talkative and men more
intelligent?
Because women have four lips and men have two
heads !!!
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me too :D
Why are women more talkative and men more
intelligent?
Because women have four lips and men have two
heads !!!
What's better than flowers on a piano??????
Tulips on an organ!
Quote:
Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
-- Mae West
Quote:
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
coffee.
The Last Ten Things A Women Would Ever Say:
10. Could our relationship be more physical?
I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up.
It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away,
the hole in the armpits are just so cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing
unless I get to swallow.
3. WOW! It really is 14 inches.
2. Does that make my butt look to small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right.
the one in bold is the funniest in my opinion :rolleyes:
No comment..........
Quote:
"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains
the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
Quote:
Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
-- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
After God had created Adam he noticed that he
looked very lonely. He decided to help. He said
"Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll
love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and
understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will
she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and
a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
Quote:
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat.
Phrases that can mean two things(I've only got one so far):
"I've gotta jump in the shower and hit the sack"
;)
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other
boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing
quite a bit about courting from the other boys
and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, and
she became flustered. Instead of explaining
things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and
her boyfriend. This he did, and the following
morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat down and talked for a
while, then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured
sis must be getting sick because her face started
to look funny. He must of thought so too because
he put his hand inside her shirt to feel her
heart, just like a doctor would. Except he’s not
as good as a doctor, because he seemed to have an
awful hard time finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both
of them started panting and getting all out of
breath. His other hand must have been getting
cold because he put it under her skirt to warm
up. About this time, sis got toward the end of
the couch. This was when the fever started. I
know it was a fever because sis told him she
was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so
sick... a big eel had gotten inside his pants
somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway,
he grabbed it in one hand and her mouth fell
open, and she started calling out to God and
stuff like that. I should tell her about the
ones I saw at the lake!
"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel
by biting his head off. All of a sudden, she made
a noise and let the ell go..I guess it bit her
back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and
held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his
pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep
it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get
a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on
top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they
wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between
them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a
great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough
they had killed the eel.. I knew it was dead
because it hung there limp and some of its guts
were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were
tired from the battle, but they went on courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again.
And by golly, the eel wasn’t dead after all. It
jumped straight up and started to fight again. I
guess eels are like cats... they have 9 lives or
something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel
by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of
struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it
was really dead this time because I saw sis
boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the
toilet.
Mother fainted.
Quote:
Hear about...
one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
A lawyer and 2 doctors have a car wreck in the
country and walk to a farmers house where one
doc stays in a barn and the lawyer and second
doc stay in the house.
In the middle of the night the doc is banging
on the door and he says to the farmer, 'I can't
stay in there, I hate sheep.' so the other doc
goes to the barn to sleep.
Later in the night the other doc is at the door
and he says, 'I hate cows', so the lawyer goes
to the barn to sleep.
In the middle of the night there's a bang on the
door and when the farmer answers it, the cow and
sheep are at the door...
There was this little boy that lived in the
country. One day he walked through a farmers
yard with duct tape under his arm, and the farmer
asked, "Where you going boy?"
The little boy answered, "I am going to catch me
a duck."
The farmer said, "You know, you can't catch a
duck with duck tape."
The little boy continued to walk on, and a little
later the boy came back through with 2 ducks
under his arm. The farmer just looked at him in
amazement.
The same boy came back through the same farmers
yard the next day with chicken wire under his arm
and the farmer asked, "What are you doing now
boy?"
The boy replied, "I am gonna catch me a chicken".
The farmer said, "You can't catch a chicken with
chicken wire!"
The little boy continued on his way, and a little
later the boy came back with a chicken under his
arm and the farmer just stood in awe.
The same boy came through the same farmers yard
the next day with a bunch of ***** willows under
his arm the farmer said, "I am not gonna ask. I
know what your going after, and I'm going with
you!"
A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee
it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie
you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there
is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a
stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single
bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and
drawn,
but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on
you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Jeezus
Christ,
Mister, Doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"
Quote:
Hello, children!!
This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ********
and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for
a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers
and then says, “Please tell me why you are
seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says, ”I live in a two-story
house.”
The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is
that? What is the big deal about a two-story
house?”
The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is
‘I have a headache’ and the other story is
‘It’s that time of the month.’”
What’s the difference between your wife after you
married her and your job?
Your job still sucks.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the
cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the
streets of Paris that a new bellringer was
needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct
the interviews personally and went up into the
belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate
their skills, he decided to call it a day when a
lone, armless man approached him and announced
that he was there to apply for the bellringers
job.
The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then
began striking the bells with his face, producing
a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop
listened in astonishment, convinced that he had
finally found a suitable replacement for
Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a
bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged
headlong out of the belfry window to his death in
the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down
the many flights of stairs to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered
around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they had heard only moments before. As they
silently parted to let the bishop through, one of
them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name", the bishop sadly replied,
"but his face rings a bell..."
Quote:
Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cubbard,
To get her poor doggie a bone.
But when she stooped over,
Old Rover, he drove her.
You see, he had a bone of his own.
Dennis...where's Benjamin today?
No idea :)
Benjamin...where's Dennis gone?
*smacks head on desk*
The one with the EARS...Katie...... ;)
Yours has ears....the ladies must love you!
Hehehehehehe.
Oh well...could make Spain interesting in 2 weeks then!
(another trip with the school music department!)
Quote:
There was a young man of Natal
Who was ****ing a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to **** slow and I shall."
Sounds like a good man!
Dennis is probably a bit to scared to talk to her. Being so long and all.
But, as from experience, if you wait, you will get no where.
So, first...you get to know your prey. Than you get close with your prey. And then...full force: ATTACK! :rolleyes:
Hehe, I've always been shy, but I was talking with Dennis, and he already knows, I did the same thing as above (get to know, get close, attack!), which is what I did this year, now I have her (Sherry :)) phone #, and I talk to her a lot, call her a few times a week (not as much as I'd like too :D), but before this year, I realized that I was to shy and I waited. If you wait, you will get nothing. If you make an effort, you are bound to get somewhere and the worst she can do is say, "no."
Tip: Just go for it Dennis, try your hardest! :D
She ain't gonna be comin' to you, so you go for her.
morning all. katie - sorry I couldn't participate in the converstion as i had a pretty busy night last night. But i'm back at work now, and all of a sudden i'm not busy again. ;)
Dennis - it's all about confidence mate, i used to be like you when I was younger, but youv'e got to realise that the worst she can say is no. yes it does hurt a bit, but then you can forget about it all and find some other young fillie. :)
Ian
Morning Groovers.
Bloody cold one today. Froze me t*ts off on the way to work!
td.
He's about a 36dd, i've seen him ;)
its not necessarily just like that - "all she can do is say no", because that hurts like hell if shes the one you want...
The trick is not to want anyone in particular, then you'll always be impressed.
sorry I left so sudden yesterday....... I'd just realized my science project was due the day after(today), and I hadn't done any of it :eek:
Oh, Ian, a friendly warning to you, if you try to drink any of Matthew's Sherry, He'll probably kick your ass ;)
very funny mate :D
Indeed. :)
Quote:
Excerpt from a conversation between a customer-support person and a
customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
ah, the use of power, don't you just love it
I love it greatly.
Unless there's a power cut :eek:
or if you p!ss on it! :rolleyes:
Good morning all. How goes the world?
morning katie,
I'm having a strange day today, if you read post race it will get ou up to speed
My world goes round the bend, i just lost 100,000 emails from exchange server, thats 2Gigs worth, and theres very little chance ill get em back
BTW morning (afternoon here) how are ya?
Good morning Simon...sorry to hear about your troubles.
Ian---Wow...I don't know what to say...just read the post race. Congratulations...whether you take the job or not it's got feel good to know your skills are valued. How much time have they given you to consider your answer? Is the salary negotiable? If they want you badly enough perhaps you can use that to your advantage. Whatever you decide...the whole scenario is very cool....Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and if you say no tell them where i am :D
yeh - well done m8 :D
cheers katie and simon.
I've already said to them that if I do take this on that I wouldn't be able to star untill my current contract finishes (mid march), so it gives me time to think about it. my job with this umbrella company finishes at the end of this year and then i'm free to do what ever i want. The problem is at the moment I haven't got a clue what I want. :confused:
i can help with that...you want a nice glass of sherry, and to put your feet up in front of the fire. *bless*
the getting pissed and hoping everything turns out alright sound's like a good idea to me
Things better get better :rolleyes:
Quote:
You can get used to living at a nudist camp. The first three days are the hardest.
-- R. Dreiser
cheers (if only there were a beer icon in with these smilies)
:beer:
I think Dennis has a beer smiley ;)
but seriously - its a necessity...
Hey, am I too late to add a joke of my own?
Heheheh...hahaha... hey call me sick but I think that's hilarious ;)Quote:
What's got six legs, six arms, and two heads?
Nirvana
: D
Quote:
There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
from sex for thirty days.
Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
the first couple if they passed the test.
"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month."
"Congratulations, the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
the Church." Then, the priest asked the second couple how they did.
"Well, Father" the husband says, "everything was going just fine
until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
to her right there."
"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
the Church after something like that."
"I understand, Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
into Safeway anymore either."
It was a cold, dark stormy night. The power went out and their passion finally got the better of them. At that moment they knew they had to be together. They knew it was wrong. But it felt so RIGHT!
Then, the power came back on...
Check out the attachment!!!!
Where on earth did you get that?
An extremely disturbed friend of mine.......
Isn't it great???
Um...possibly ;)
Here's another cat picture!