WOw, katie, u post em faster than i can read!
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WOw, katie, u post em faster than i can read!
That's the point.........speed and endurance = me!
Beethoven's Ninth
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The symphony is playing Beethoven's Ninth. During a long
break, the bass players decide to slip out to the local pub
and have a few drinks.
Suddenly one realizes they have been gone for a while and
says "We've got to get back."
Another says, "Relax, we've got plenty of time. I tied a
string in the conductor's score and he'll have a time getting
it squared away."
As they come back into the concert hall, a patron in the
audience notices the confusion by the conductor and says,
"Something seems wrong up there."
Her date says, "What do you expect? It's the bottom of the
Ninth, the score is tied and the bassists are loaded."
Q. What do lawyers and sharks have in common?
A. The EPA gets all touchy about killing sharks.
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to look around once in a while you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller
There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She
was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up
the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving,
but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the
army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door
when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the blackest boys that
anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.
"But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make
mistakes."
Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play????"
Things you wish you could say at work
1. Ahhh...I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10.I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
11.I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13.I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14.I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15.I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16.Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
17.The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18.Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19.What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20.I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21.It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22.Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23.No, my powers can only be used for good.
24.You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25.Who me? I just wander from room to room
26.And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27.Do I look like a people person?
28.This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29.I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31.You!... Off my planet!
32.Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33.Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34.A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35.Allow me to introduce my selves.
36.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38.Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40.I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41.A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42.Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
43.Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
44.Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45.Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46.Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
47.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48.I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49.If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had accrued while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours, but all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree, and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where
do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
Heee eheeehe eheheee,
Sorry gods still tickling me.
SD
Better check again.....that's me!
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one
started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He
said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a
90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch
it just after it crosses the plate!"
One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot
an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up
to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!"
The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being
faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even
though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
Saddam Hussein phoned President Clinton and said: "Bill, I called you
because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a banner.
Clinton asked, "What was on the banner?"
Saddam responded, "It sad Allah is God, and God is Allah."
Clinton said: "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last
night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."
Saddam said: "What was on the banner?"
Clinton replied: "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."
When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.
He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of
international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.
He said:"Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the
middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at
night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired
a person for the job.
Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two
(2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one
person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will
we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one
GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then
Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so they
created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a
payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an administrative position and hired
three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin.
Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for
one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall
cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the
aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't
maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel
better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the
aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said
there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in,and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed?"
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send
flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the
owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location.
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman
flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the
man screamed for help.
A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is
drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give
you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes,
he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam
back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
"Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the
third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my
mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said,
"Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to
forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that
this could be dangerous, as one of them could accidentally forget
to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to
go see their doctor to get some help.
Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful
to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple
liked the suggestion and left the doctor's office very
pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to
the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write
that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You
better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and
some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now
you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No
problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife
could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and
eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband
and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother
to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So,
the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they
did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.
Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was
very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and
respected.
Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the
roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.
He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.
A French guest, staying in a hotel in New York, phoned room service for some
pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" said the Frenchman.
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."
Whats the difference between a nun in church and a ***** in a bath tub?
The nun has hope in her soul.
A polar bear goes into a ice cream shoppe and says, " Can I have a
banana............[long pause]...............split, please?
The clerk says, "Coming right up. But why the big pause?"
The polar bear looks down and says, "I don't know. They've always been like
this."
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking,
hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately
falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid
to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He
knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting
there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave
of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any
longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees
the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male
and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the
female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in
this together why don't I move over to your side of the cage!" The female
canary replied, "No, thanks!!"
So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once
again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, "I am sorry I
was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."
To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"
Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for
a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and
stated, "Well, could we at least talk?"
This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I
just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is
untweetable."
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question.
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.
"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
Q. What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?
A. Stays awake night wondering if there is a dog.
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
And with that bit of nonsense I off to lunch!:D
The previous post is obviously in jest. I do not need any harassmen about endangered spevies :rolleyes:
A man was out golfing one day when he hit his ball into the woods.
He went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to him, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you 3 wishes." He did and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your wife will get 10 times more or better!"
The man said, "That’s okay." For his first wish, he wanted to be
the most handsome man in the world.
The frog warned him, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your wife the most beautiful woman in the world, and men will flock
to her."
The man replied, " That’s okay, because I will be the most handsome
man, and she will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - he became the
most handsome man in the world!
For his second wish, he wanted to be the richest man in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your wife the richest woman in the
world, and she will be ten times richer than you."
The man said, " That’s okay because what's mine is hers and what's
hers is mine." So, KAZAM he became the richest man in the world!
The frog asked him what he would like for his third wish. He said,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Men are clever. Don't mess with them.
What is a cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They are moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.
What is a dog?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to
give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.