And on the same note, here's one I made up earlier today:
A few functions short of an API.
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And on the same note, here's one I made up earlier today:
A few functions short of an API.
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f*****g sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
4. Do I look like a f*****g people person?
5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
7. You! Off my planet!!
8. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
9. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of
self-control.
10. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
11. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
15. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
16. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
17. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
18. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
19. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
22. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
23. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
24. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
26. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
29. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
30. Earth is full. Go home.
31. Is it time for your medication or mine?
32. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
33. I plead contemporary insanity.
34. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
36. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Which animal does your birthday fall under?
Check what you are:
January 2 to January 11 ........Lion
January 12 to January 24 .......Salmon
January 25 to February 3 .......Bear
February 4 to February 8 .......Rat
February 9 to February 18 ......Fox
February 19 to February 28 .....Ferret
March 1 to March 10 ............Crow
March 11 to March 20 ...........Magpie
March 21 .......................Elephant
March 22 to March 31 ...........Badger
April 1 to April 10 ............Ostrich
April 11 to April 20 ...........Duck Billed Platypus
April 21 to April 30 ...........Goat
May 1 to May 13 ................Salmon
May 14 to May 24 ...............Hyena
May 25 to June 3 ...............Monkey
June 4 to June 13 ..............Giraffe
June 14 to June 23 .............Flamingo
June 24 ........................Frog
June 25 to July 4 ..............Lion
July 5 to July 14 ............. Chimpanzee
July 15 to July 25 .............Racoon
July 26 to August 4 ............Dog
August 5 to August 13 ..........Ferret
August 14 to August 23 .........Elephant
August 24 to September 2 .......Monkey
September 3 to September 12 ....Magpie
September 13 to September 22 ...Warthog
September 23 ...................Badger
September 24 to October 3 ......Bear
October 4 to October 13 ........Frog
October 14 to October 23 .......Duck Billed Platypus
October 24 to November 11 ......Rat
November 12 to November 21 .....Sloth
November 22 to December 1 ......Ostrich
December 2 to December 11 ......Warthog
December 12 to December 21 .....Magpie
December 22 ....................Giraffe
December 23 to January 1........Racoon
Badger
Resourceful, loyal and well, small, black, white and
stinking. You, like the badger, spend most of your
time hanging around dark holes, looking for the slugs
of the social strata. You're also a bit of a vicious
****er, not giving up until you've suitably destroyed
your opponent (like the badger and its "I'm not letting
go till your leg breaks you dick" attitude).
Bear
Fearless, brave and dignified are things you might
associate with bears but there's no way in hell
they'd be associated with you. No, the things you have in common with the bear are that you smell like 've
had **** stuck to you for four months, your hair looks
like you've been in the forest for thirty odd years,
and your breath smells of fish.
Chimpanzee
Chimpanzees are nothing but exhibitionists. Especially
of their bare asses. You're the type of person who
wanders around beaches in the summer, practically
naked, bar one or two pieces of string covering your
genitals. You think you look great, when in fact your
cellulite is clearly showing, and your fake tan is
starting to run down your legs with the amount of
sweat that's pouring off you.
Crow
You are the type who sings at parties, tries their
hand at karaoke, and loves to hum round the building
site / office. You think this is great and that
everyone loves your voice. You are in fact ****. Your
singing talents are equivalent to that of a real crow.
To top it all off, you've no sense of fashion either.
Dog
Loyal, friendly and disgusting. You'd give your right
arm to be able to lick your own arse, you'll eat
anything put in front of you and you'll do anything
your mates tell you. Plus you've probably got a hairy
back and you smell like a *****in walrus during the
summer.
Duck Billed Platypus
A rare creature. You like the platypus, are awkward,
goofy looking and spend most of your life hiding your
stupid features
Elephant
The elephant never forgets or so they say. You wish
you could, cause you're fat, everyone insults you and
when you're old, you're destined to become a wrinkly
wizened old bugger.
Ferret
Like the rat you are small and furry, but the thing
about you is instead of trying to make friends, all
you do is make enemies. No one likes you, you're a
malevolent b*****rd, who'll stop at nothing to harm
others. As well as that you're a smelly bastard, who
really should wash now and then.
Flamingo
Ahhh, the pink flamingo. In male terms the gayest of
all creatures. You are extremely camp. You are prone
to mincing around the place constantly, your voice is
unusual, and you have abhorrent tastes in music. look
at the way you're sitting right now! Its so gay! For
the females, Flamingoes are vain creatures, you're
constantly looking at yourself in the mirror, and that
spot on your left cheek just won't go away will it?
God it makes you look ugly.
Fox
What can one say about the fox. You're nothing but a
sneaky little b*****rd, who spends most of his time
either sleazing around bitches (or vice versa for the
females), thieving stuff and scheming constantly. You
also whine a lot, you're as skinny as heck and you're
hungry most of the time.
Frog
Amphibious (adaptive). Small and warty. Yup, you're a
small warty runt of a creature. Your eyes bulge out of
your head, and people avoid you like the plague for
fear of catching some sort of ugly disease from you.
Giraffe
Tall, sleek and gracious. In the wild maybe, but in
human terms you're a lanky awkward *****. Getting in everyone's way, constantly hurting people by mistake, and generally making an ass of yourself in public.
Goat
The goat, rock steady in all situations, firm on its
feet, sure and strong, bold and daring. However when used as a metaphor for people like yourself, we must look beyond these qualities to the goats true nature. The B****rd child of Satan. Close relative to the
sheep, who we all know has no mind of its own and
follows anyone anywhere. Goats stink, so do you. It's
got a manky beard, which is especially true of the
females, isn't it time you thought about electrolysis?
Hyena
Hyenas are laughing all the time. Because they're
stupid as *****. If someone kicked you on the arse
you'd probably pass out in a laughing fit. You're a
bit of a pack animal too, spending a lot of your time
hanging round with your equally stupid mates, and are well known for coming up with such wonderful phrases as "look at that guy, he's wearing socks with his shoes, he must be gay" and rolling around laughing at your cleverness for hours. In the office you're the
type of person that everyone hates. You send people
stuff like this constantly thinking its hilarious when
its really just a pain in the ass. Do us all a favour
and ***** off and die.
Lion
The lion, king of the beasts, noble and wise. Real
lions are anyway. You however are like the inbred
lion, whos looks are past their best, you'll do
anything to survive including eating your own cubs, or
in your case, stealing from your own mother. Like the
inbred lion you are destined to wander lonely forever
through the plains of life until a hyena comes along
and devours your shell of a carcass.
Magpie
Ahhh magpies, the veritable dirty thieving knacker of
the sky. You've no morals, anything that glistens is
most certainly gold in your eyes, and definitely worth
a fiver down the local market, so in your pocket it
shall jolly well go. You're also a superstitious
creature. Prone to avoiding ladders and such, because lets be honest, you're a bit of stupid ****.
Monkey
Playful, cheeky and inquisitive. In the worst possible
ways. You play stupid practical jokes, you're a bit of
a smart ass and you stick your nose into other
people's business where its obviously not wanted. As
well as that you have a tendency to play with your
genitals far too much, so cut it out or you'll go blind.
Ostrich
The ostrich, fast, nimble, quick. In nature. Metaphorically, compared to people like you, they are
slow, stupid, their eyes are bigger than their brains
and are cowardly bastards. You have a tendency to be not so quick on the uptake in most situations.
Romantically you are stupid, your eyes see an ugly
*****a, but your brain cries beauty. At the first
sign of trouble, you'll pack your bags and leggit back
to your mothers place.
Racoon
Creatures of the forest. Scavengers by nature. Which
is what you are, you're a mean bastard, never buy
rounds when you're out drinking, you'd rather save
money than spend it and you go through dumpsters
looking for old stuff people have thrown out for your
ratty abode.
Rat
Small, furry and loathed by all. You are the annoying
type who are no less than five meters away from your
new found friends no matter where they go. You try
much too hard to be popular, going everywhere you can and leaving signatures of your presence. You think
you're cool, when in fact nobody is actually friends
with you, yet you know everyone. More people see you and tolerate you for a while, then they put out the
poison.
Salmon
Salmon are sleek, silver, fast and athletic. You're
not. You're stupid, your house stinks and you look
like a fish.
Sloth
Bone idle. That's all you are. Good for nothing. No
redeeming features at all.
Warthog
*****in ugly. Nothing much else to say about you lot.
So which on are you Honeybee?
Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1.Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2.Boils with no provocation.
3.Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
4.Melts if given special treatment.
5.Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
6.Yields to pressure applied to certain points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones such as diamonds, rubies and sapphires among others.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5 . Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques.
HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be maintained at different locations as long as the specimens do not come into contact with each other.
HEY! From where did you get that???? We used that in our Drama and the guy who gave it told me that he made it up..... :mad:
Heres one...
What is the similarity between the American Flag and Monica Lewinsky's skirt?
Ans : Both were lifted by Mr.Clinton
both are saggy crumpled old .... oh sorry, you've just put the answer above ! :D
I never believe anyone who tells me they made up jokes - you tend to tell if they do by the groaner scale of the joke (i.e. it's crap!)
That one above has been out for a little while, I got it in my e-mail around 4 months ago I guess ...
So this bloke walks into a bar ...
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize
by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Very true :)
Quote:
A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
"This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think
you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out."
The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly
gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
Pretzel hold.
The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a
scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out
of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!"
"Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured
what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach,
you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
Quote:
Guide to Movies:
G: No girl.
PG: The hero gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
Your stall warning plays Dixie.
Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
You've thought of using moonshine as avgas.
You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.
You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman "Yankee".
You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
The side of your airplane has a sign advertising your septic tank service.
You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
You refer to flying in formation as "We've got us a convoy".
Your matched set of luggage is 3 grocery sacks from Piggly Wiggly.
You have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
You fuel your airplane from a mason jar.
You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.
You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass and wheat from the
landing gear.
You figure the weight of mud and manure on your airplane into the CG
calculations.
You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.
You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been
flying for years.
You've ground looped a Cub after hitting a cow.
You consider anything above 100 feet AGL as "High Altitude". YAAAAHOOOOO!
There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".
You've never really actually seen a sectional, but have all the Texaco road
maps for your area (but they're 20 years old).
You answer all calls from female controllers with "That's a big ten-four
little Darlin'."
There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco
stains on the left.
You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep and goats.
You use your parachute to cover your plane.
You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.
You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot-landing contest.
The tread pattern on your main gear tires doesn't match. Or, there is no
tread pattern on your main gear tires.
Your best com radio has 90 channels.
You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
You have a bale of hay and a hound in the baggage compartment.
Your instructor's day job was at the community sale barn.
You've got matching bumper stickers on your vertical fin.
There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
The FAA still thinks your mailing address is your parent's house.
You think ZULU time means something to do with Africa.
Your hangar collapses and more than four dogs are injured.
Your airplane has a sticker that says, "I'd rather be Bow Hunting".
You navigate with your ADF tuned to country music stations.
You think "Ultralite" is a new beer from Pearl.
Just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH
- Yes = No
- No = Yes
- Maybe = No
- We need = I want
- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I hate my thighs
- You're so .. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV- How much do you love me? = I did something today that
you're really not going to like
TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH
- I'm hungry = I'm hungry
- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
- I'm tired = I tired
- Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
- I love you = Let's have sex now
- I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
- What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
- I love you too = OK, I said it, can we have sex now?
- May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men
- You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you
- Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing that I a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me- I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
Quote:
User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte
sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is
looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files
permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software
is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day...
especially if special features and options are utilized.
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending
a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was
wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home
and was speeding... Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in
hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen, recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You
know how fast you were
going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic
fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop
took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You
don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy
in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind
of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I
go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple
more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther
and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the
hell do you do with a six foot *******?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end
of a bridge!"
Sure I recognise that one :rolleyes:
Quote:
Get your bytes from our backend!
-- Britton Lee
Whats the favourite computer of a coconut tree climber?
Ans : Palm Top
Quote:
Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on
what
drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred
on almost
all counts. The results:
WOMEN
Drink : Beer
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Drink : Barcardi Breezer/Hooch
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated,
actually has
absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.
Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Gin etc.)
Personality : Hanging with boy pals or looking to get drunk... and
naked
Approach : Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
MEN - as always, very simple and clear cut.
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid
Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or
another.
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a
sophisticated image
and help him get laid.
Vodka : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate
to get
laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit
anyone who
will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all
about
feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into
getting
laid.
Tequila : Piss off you wa*kers, I'm gonna go shag something with a
pulse.
Bacardi Breezer/Hooch : He's gay (Blatantly)
Quote:
Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "Drive-thru" cashpoint
machines.
Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have
been drawn up.
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e.
MALE or FEMALE)and remember them for when you use the machine for the first
time.
MALE PROCEDURE
>>> >1 Drive up to the cash machine
>>> >2 Wind down your car window
>>> >3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
>>> >4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
>>> >5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
>>> >6 Wind up window
>>> >7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
>>> >1 Drive up to cash machine
>>> >2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
>>> >3 Re-start the stalled engine
>>> >4 Wind down car window
>>> >5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
>>> >6 Turn the radio down
>>> >7 Attempt to insert card into machine
>>> >8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
>>> >9 Insert card
>>> >10 Re-insert card the right way up
>>> >11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
>>> >12 Enter PIN
>>> >13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
>>> >14 Enter amount of cash required
>>> >15 Check make up in rear view mirror
>>> >16 Retrieve cash and receipt
>>> >17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
>>> >18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
>>> >19 Re-check make-up again
>>> >20 Drive forwards 2 meters
>>> >21 Reverse back to cash machine
>>> >22 Retrieve card
>>> >23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
>>> >24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
>>> >25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
>>> >26 Turn off indicator
>>> >27 Release handbrake
How to Identify a real Programmer:
Real Programmers (RP) don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
RP don't comment their code. If it is hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
RP don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.
RP's programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
RP never work 9-5. If any RP are even around at 9am, it's because they were up all night.
RP never write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers ever write in BASIC after the age of 12.
RP don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers that can't decide between COBOL and FORTRAN.
RP never make up schedules. Only planners make up schedules. Only managers read them.
RP never deliver programs on schedule. Either the program is "done" in 2 days or it is never finished. In any case, it is never delievered when it was scheduled.
RP never eat at restaurants. If the vending machine sells it they eat it.
If it doesn't, they don't. Recently RP discovered that popcorn was being sold in vending machines. Common coders discovered that it could be popped in the microwave oven in the vending-machine room but real programmers use the heat escaping from the top of the CPU.
RP do not clear registers twice before using them. In fact, if you annoy a RP, he/she won't clear the registers at all. And that goes for your memory too!
RP do not wonder where the bits went following a shift operation. They do not care.
RP are not in it for the money. Most of them are secret millionaires.
How To Identify A Real Software Engineer:
Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.
Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to.
Real software engineers don't write application programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though.
If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't program in it. Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become quesy at the very thought.
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine."
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.
Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/1 is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in function.
Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and verification of algorithms is all about.
Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF.
How To Identify A Real Computer Scientist:
Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with 'programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications.)
Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space.
Real computer scientists don't write the user interfaces, they merely argue over what they should look like.
If it doesn't have a programming environment complete with interactive debugger structure editor, and extensive cross module test checking, real computer scientists won't be seen tinkering with it. They may have to use it to balance their checkbooks, as their own systems can't.
Real computer scientists don't 'write' in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
Real computer scientists don't debug programs, they dynamically modify them. This is safer, since no one has invented a way to do anything dynamic to FORTRAN, COBOL, or BASIC.
Real computer scientists like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because its compiled. (Only Batch freaks and efficiency weirdos bother with compilers, they're soooo un-dynamic.)
Real computer scientists work from 5pm to 9am because that's the only time they can get the 8 megabytes of main memory they need to edit specs. (Real work starts around 2am when enough MIPS are free for their dynamic systems.)
Real computer scientists regret the existence of PL/1, PASCAL and LISP. ADA is getting there, but it is still allows people to make mistakes.
Real computer scientists love the concept of users. Users are always real impressed by the stuff computer scientists are talking about; it sure sounds better than the stuff they are being forced to use now.
Real computer scientists love conventions. No one is expected to lug a 3081 attached to a bit map screen to a convention, so no one will ever know how slow their systems run.
One-Liners:
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Death to all fanatics!
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
Guests who kill talk show hosts... On the last Geraldo.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." John Andrew Holmes
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States!
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,then used against you.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I'm sure I recognise that RP one...it must have been posted before ;)
sorry :)
Ironic:
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And the last and best .....
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
Teach Yourself Chinese:
Chinese - English
Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift
Dum Gai - A stupid person
Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding -We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Kum Hia - Approach me
Lao Ze Sho - Gilligan's Island
Lin Ching - An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai - A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse
Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung - A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan - Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting - There is no reason to raise your voice
Si-Ling Fan - A device to keep you cool
Computer One-Liners:
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
Mommy! The cursor`s winking at me!
"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
Bug? That`s not a bug, that`s a feature. -T. John Wendel
On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button
I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines in FORTRAN. -Anonymous
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
If at first you don`t succeed, call it version 1.0
WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn`t come with documentation...
WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
Nice computers don`t go down.
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?"
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
"The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format." CCCP: format CCCP: /u
Merlin,
Do you have a large collection of jokes or something?
My office found them very funny! Cheers.
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the
Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf",says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down
behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...
"Will you f**k off, I'm trying to take a sh*t!"
Yeah i have a large collection, i am glad that you enjoyed them, i will post some more laterQuote:
Originally posted by chrismitchell
Merlin,
Do you have a large collection of jokes or something?
My office found them very funny! Cheers.
How does Bob Marley eat his doughnuts?
Wi' jam in...
Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CDs?
In Iraq.
A rich business executive sees an ad in the Wall Street Journal for the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over 1 million.
The mogul decides that he must have it, and assigns half a dozen assistants to track
the car down for him. After months of searching, the car is found, bought, and delivered.
Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin.
At the first stop light, an young man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa.
Without an invitation, the young man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite
a ride you got here - how fast will she go?
About 270,answers the executive.
No way, says the young man.
Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the young man
what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.
But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer
and closer, so he comes to a stop.
Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.
What the heck was that? says the executive. What can go faster
than my Fantasy?
Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right
by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like
the young man on the Vespa.
That just couldn't be," he says to himself.
Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the
back of the Fantasy.
The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the young man on the Vespa
that crashed into him.
Are you okay? asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for
you?
Yes, replied the young man, unhook my suspenders from your side
view mirror, please.
Code:>> ------------------------- ---------------------------
>> Drug Dealers Software Developers
>> ------------------------- ---------------------------
>> Refer to their clients Refer to their clients
>> as "users". as "users".
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>> "The first one's free!" "Download a free trial
>> version..."
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>> Have important Asian Have important Asian
>> connections. connections.
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>> Strange jargon: Strange jargon:
>> "Stick" "SCSI"
>> "Rock" "RTFM"
>> "Wrap" "Packet"
>> "E" "C"
>> "Stash" "Cache"
>> "Drive-by" "CTRL ALT DEL"
>> "Hit (LSD)" "Hit (WWW)"
>> "Source" "Source-code"
>> "The Pigs" "Microsoft"
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>> Realise that there's tons Realise that there's tons
>> of cash in the 14- to of cash in the 14- to
>> 25-year-old market. 25-year-old market.
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>> Clients really like your Clients really like your
>> stuff when it works. stuff when it works.
>> When it doesn't work When it doesn't work
>> they want to kill you. they want to kill you.
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>> Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by the
>> industry's producing industry's producing
>> newer, more potent newer, more potent
>> product. product.
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>> Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of
>> of pimps, hustlers and marketing people, venture
>> low-lifes. capitalists and fund managers.
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>> When things go wrong, a When things go wrong, a
>> "fix" is just a phone call fix is just a phone call
>> away, but may be expensive. away, but may be expensive.
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>> A lot of people are getting A lot of people are getting
>> rich while still teenagers. rich while still teenagers.
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>> Product causes unhealthy DOOM, Quake, SimCity,
>> addictions. Duke Nukem 3D...
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>> Do your job well and Damn! DAMN!!!
>> you can sleep with
>> sexy movie stars who
>> depend on you.
One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack
and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil
is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You
are on my list, but I have no room for you. You
definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,
but you have to take their place. I'll even let you
decide who leaves."
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing
empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his
fate in hell.
"No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt
Gingrich with a sledge hammer and a room full of
rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after
time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Bill.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw
Kenneth Starr, lying on the floor with his arms
staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief
and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go.
Okay, a real groaner :
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when
the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The
elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk
and hurls him far into the jungle.
"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me
almost fifty years ago."
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these
years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."
"Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall."
Two pieces of rope walk into a bar.
The bartender takes one look at them and yells "get out! We don't serve ropes in here!"
So the ropes leave. Once outside, one rope says to the other "I'll fix him!".
So he ties himself up and messes up his hair and goes back inside.
"Hey!" the bartender yells. "I said we don't serve ropes, now get out!"
"but i'm not a rope"
The bartender, confused, said "You aren't a rope?"
"No," came the reply," I'm a frayed knot."
This young freshman finally gets a date with a beautiful woman in
one of his university classes. But she tells him that before they can
go on a date he has to come over and have dinner with her family.
Well the young man isn't too fond of the idea but the woman is too
gorgeous to refuse.
The rest of the day the young man worries and frets. He gets so
worried that he starts to build up alot of gas. But he makes it to
her house and is invited inside.
The dinner was excellent and afterwards the young womans' father
starts to read the paper. The young mans gas has built to a level
that his bowels cannot contain anymore so he decides to let a little
fart go...
Phtt..... The father rolls down his paper at the sound and says,
"Spot...". The young man looks around confused by this comment and
spies an old sheepdog behind his chair. Great, the young man thinks,
the old man must think the dog is doing it!! So he decides to let a
bigger fart go...
PhhhTTTT.... The father takes off his glasses and rolls down his
paper, "SPOT!...," he says in an annoyed tone. The young man feels
much better and decides to let one more fart go to relieve all the
gas...
PPPPHHHHTTTTPOW!!!!! The father rips his glasses off and throws the
paper to the floor,
"SPOT YOU DEAF BAG OF FUR...GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN BEFORE HE SH*TS
ON YOU!"
17 Reasons Why Beer Should Be Served At Work:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increases job satisfaction, because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
A few tips for the ladies here.
You know it makes sense.
lmfao