I'm feeling a little weird today I guess.....
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I'm feeling a little weird today I guess.....
me too.... it's the middle of the week... and I wan't it to be friday evening.......
for me.. wednesdays usually suck...
Today I found out I got dropped out of computer science.... it was a bug in my schedule, they thought I was only down for a semester... now I have noplace to go until those *******s get everything fixed up, how it should have been since september....
and because of stuff like this, I'm always in a wierd mood on wednesdays
My husband's not at work today...he's home (probably in bed) and I'm not there with him....been having thoughts all day of what I would do if I were there and can't keep my mind on anything......and none of my sick minded friends are on today to help ease the pain.................definitely not a good Wednesday for me either
I've got a pretty sick mind too.... but some of the stuff that amuses me isn't appropriate at all for this board(John or James would yell at me..).... so I won't be telling many jokes ;)
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how
it remains so popular?
A man and his wife had been stranded on
a deserted island for many years.
The morning following a bad storm, a new
guy washes up on the shore. The new guy
and the wife are very attracted to each
other right away, but realize certain
protocols will have to be observed. The
husband, however, is very glad to see
the second man there.
"Now we will be able to have three
people doing 8-hour shifts in the
watchtower, rather than two people doing
12-hour shifts."
The second man is only too happy to help
and in fact volunteers to do the first
shift. He climbs up the tower and stands
watch, observing the ocean horizon for
any ships. Soon the husband and wife
start placing stones in a circle in
order to make a fire to cook supper. The
second man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"
They look at each other and yell back:
"We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put
driftwood into the stone circle. Again
the second man yells down: "Heeey, no
screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not
screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on
the roof to their shack to patch leaks.
Once again the second man yells down
from high above: "Hey, I said no
screwing!!"
They yell back "We said we're not
screwing!!"
Finally the shift is over and the second
man climbs down from the tower and the
husband starts to climb up. He's only
half-way up and the wife and the second
man are screwing their brains out. Once
he reaches the top, the husband looks
out from the tower and says:
"Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES
look like they're screwing."
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell "Whooaa, I'm *way* too high!"
Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat.
What's next? Bridal suites without bunk beds?
Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
two new uses for sheep: meat and wool.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where
the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor
told the husband that they couldn't graft any
skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own
skin. However, the only skin on his body that the
doctor felt was suitable would have to come from
his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that
they would tell no one about where the skin came
from, and requested that the doctor also honor
their secret. After all, this was a very
delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked
more beautiful than she ever had before All her
friends and relatives just went on and on about
her youthful beauty.
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she
was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She
said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I
could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it.
I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
mother kiss you on the cheek.
funny stuff!
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
What do you get when you put the energizer bunny
batteries in backward?
He keeps coming and coming and coming.
Hehehe :D
Have you heard about the new douche called SSY?
It takes the PU out of *****!
Quote:
Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important world events
such as agriculture, we're going to delete the next few square feet of the
woman's skin. Thank you.]
... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more
interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your
skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran
cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices
with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first,
without so much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from
below.
-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
Quote:
New York:
Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
Why did God make urine yellow?
So men can tell whether he's cumming or going!
This fellow was walking home from work one
evening, very depressed. He was married to a
nagging woman who was constantly switching
between treating him nicely and tearing down his
self esteem. To add to it, his best friend was to
be hanged that night for a capital crime.
He stomped into the house and slammed the door,
sunk in his self-pity. His wife said 'Honey,
what's the problem?'
'They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright,
tonight!'
'I understand, go take a bath. I'll get supper
ready for you, Sweetie, and you can go down to
see him before the hanging. Now, won't that make
you feel better?'
He decides to not make it worse and agrees with
her proposal. Well, while she was getting supper
the paper came, hitting the front door with a
plop. She picked it up and opened it. The
headling said 'WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION.'
She knew her husband would want to know
immediately and hearing the great news would
really lift his spirits, so she went up the
stairs and opened the bathroom door. There he
was, bent over and naked, cleaning the tub.
She said, 'Honey, they're not hanging Wright
tonight!'
He answered, 'The same old story. First you're
nice and then *****, *****, *****!!'
I liked that one Dennis!
me too :D
Why are women more talkative and men more
intelligent?
Because women have four lips and men have two
heads !!!
What's better than flowers on a piano??????
Tulips on an organ!
Quote:
Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
-- Mae West
Quote:
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
coffee.
The Last Ten Things A Women Would Ever Say:
10. Could our relationship be more physical?
I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up.
It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away,
the hole in the armpits are just so cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing
unless I get to swallow.
3. WOW! It really is 14 inches.
2. Does that make my butt look to small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right.
the one in bold is the funniest in my opinion :rolleyes:
No comment..........
Quote:
"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains
the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
Quote:
Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
-- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
After God had created Adam he noticed that he
looked very lonely. He decided to help. He said
"Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll
love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and
understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will
she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and
a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
Quote:
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat.
Phrases that can mean two things(I've only got one so far):
"I've gotta jump in the shower and hit the sack"
;)
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other
boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing
quite a bit about courting from the other boys
and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, and
she became flustered. Instead of explaining
things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and
her boyfriend. This he did, and the following
morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat down and talked for a
while, then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured
sis must be getting sick because her face started
to look funny. He must of thought so too because
he put his hand inside her shirt to feel her
heart, just like a doctor would. Except he’s not
as good as a doctor, because he seemed to have an
awful hard time finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both
of them started panting and getting all out of
breath. His other hand must have been getting
cold because he put it under her skirt to warm
up. About this time, sis got toward the end of
the couch. This was when the fever started. I
know it was a fever because sis told him she
was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so
sick... a big eel had gotten inside his pants
somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway,
he grabbed it in one hand and her mouth fell
open, and she started calling out to God and
stuff like that. I should tell her about the
ones I saw at the lake!
"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel
by biting his head off. All of a sudden, she made
a noise and let the ell go..I guess it bit her
back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and
held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his
pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep
it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get
a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on
top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they
wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between
them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a
great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough
they had killed the eel.. I knew it was dead
because it hung there limp and some of its guts
were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were
tired from the battle, but they went on courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again.
And by golly, the eel wasn’t dead after all. It
jumped straight up and started to fight again. I
guess eels are like cats... they have 9 lives or
something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel
by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of
struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it
was really dead this time because I saw sis
boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the
toilet.
Mother fainted.
Quote:
Hear about...
one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
A lawyer and 2 doctors have a car wreck in the
country and walk to a farmers house where one
doc stays in a barn and the lawyer and second
doc stay in the house.
In the middle of the night the doc is banging
on the door and he says to the farmer, 'I can't
stay in there, I hate sheep.' so the other doc
goes to the barn to sleep.
Later in the night the other doc is at the door
and he says, 'I hate cows', so the lawyer goes
to the barn to sleep.
In the middle of the night there's a bang on the
door and when the farmer answers it, the cow and
sheep are at the door...
There was this little boy that lived in the
country. One day he walked through a farmers
yard with duct tape under his arm, and the farmer
asked, "Where you going boy?"
The little boy answered, "I am going to catch me
a duck."
The farmer said, "You know, you can't catch a
duck with duck tape."
The little boy continued to walk on, and a little
later the boy came back through with 2 ducks
under his arm. The farmer just looked at him in
amazement.
The same boy came back through the same farmers
yard the next day with chicken wire under his arm
and the farmer asked, "What are you doing now
boy?"
The boy replied, "I am gonna catch me a chicken".
The farmer said, "You can't catch a chicken with
chicken wire!"
The little boy continued on his way, and a little
later the boy came back with a chicken under his
arm and the farmer just stood in awe.
The same boy came through the same farmers yard
the next day with a bunch of ***** willows under
his arm the farmer said, "I am not gonna ask. I
know what your going after, and I'm going with
you!"
A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee
it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie
you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there
is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a
stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single
bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and
drawn,
but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on
you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Jeezus
Christ,
Mister, Doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"
Quote:
Hello, children!!
This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ********
and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for
a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers
and then says, “Please tell me why you are
seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says, ”I live in a two-story
house.”
The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is
that? What is the big deal about a two-story
house?”
The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is
‘I have a headache’ and the other story is
‘It’s that time of the month.’”
What’s the difference between your wife after you
married her and your job?
Your job still sucks.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the
cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the
streets of Paris that a new bellringer was
needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct
the interviews personally and went up into the
belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate
their skills, he decided to call it a day when a
lone, armless man approached him and announced
that he was there to apply for the bellringers
job.
The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then
began striking the bells with his face, producing
a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop
listened in astonishment, convinced that he had
finally found a suitable replacement for
Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a
bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged
headlong out of the belfry window to his death in
the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down
the many flights of stairs to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered
around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they had heard only moments before. As they
silently parted to let the bishop through, one of
them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name", the bishop sadly replied,
"but his face rings a bell..."