Funniest Bumper Sticker you've ever seen.

More:

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“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."
Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
Rita Rudner
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
Drew Carey
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They are just rubbing it in."
Yakov Smirnoff
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
Bill Maher
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."
Bob Saget
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
Jay Leno
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that's still far away."
Billiam Coronell
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
Larry Miller
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
Steven Wright
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson
"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
John Mendoza
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
Bruce Baum
"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
Steven Wright
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
Johnathan Katz
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
Lily Tomlin
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
Richard Jeni
"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
Steven Wright
"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, '****! A truck!'"
Emo Phillips
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your ******* is in Washington.
Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her ****.
Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married!

a couple more:

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God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. –God
The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books, New York, New York
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if He had invested?
Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Express Lane: Five beers or less.
Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ.
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, Kentucky.
"I was going 70 MPH and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 MPH?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everthing I read."
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it will be up all night."
"I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane."
"My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?"
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive...but only for a second."
"I saw a tree fall, in the woods and I didn't hear it."
"So, do you live around here often?"
"I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!"
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's ALWAYS room temperature."
"I filled out an application that said, "In case of Emergency Notify...". I wrote "Doctor" What's my mother going to do?"
"The sun got confused by daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows."
"If toast always lands butter side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens when you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
"I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads."
"I was in a job interview and opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights , does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

What???? You still have more?!?!

Yep :)

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Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success? If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest is there a sound?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when a endangered animal eats endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle does not have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What is the speed of dark?
How come we never hear about gruntled employees?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a few payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
Everybody repeat after me, "We are all individuals."
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Golden retriever.
Dumbest: Afghan hound.
Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: - 7
Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70%
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Hang On Snoopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

OK, I'm done now:

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There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Quote:

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Originally posted by cafeenman
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

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lol :)

Honk if you're impotent

you are all insane...

http://www.evolvefish.com/fish/media/S-Don'tPray.jpg

http://www.evolvefish.com/fish/media...sBelieving.jpg

http://www.evolvefish.com/fish/media/S-GodPretend.jpg

http://www.evolvefish.com/fish/media...#39;tDrive.jpg

http://www.evolvefish.com/fish/media/S-GodProtectMe.jpg

http://www.evolvefish.com/fish/media/S-GodCoPilot.jpg

http://www.evolvefish.com/fish/media/S-RelStops.jpg

http://www.evolvefish.com/fish/media/S-SoFewLions.jpg

http://www.evolvefish.com/fish/media/S-WWND.jpg

http://www.evolvefish.com/fish/media/S-StPedophiles.jpg

Too many good ones to post them all...
Evolve Fish.com

k, sorry to bump this again (hey I wasn't the one who dug it up this morning) but i just found these... hilarious

http://www.i-mockery.com/Stickers/

If this one has already been submitted, forgive me....

"My kid's an honor student. Yes, your honor... No contest your honor... Nice tie your honor."


There's more at: http://www.dumbbumpers.com/

I also like:"Warning, horn broken. Watch for finger."

Quote:

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Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.

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Quote:

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Few women admit their age, few men act it!

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An oxymoron of a bumper sticker:

Quote:

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Take your time, but hurry.

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Guns don't kill people, I do.

Supposed to be on a pickup with a gunrack, or better still a shotgun lying on the passenger seat :p

.

Put those on one bumper sticker:p

Quote:

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Take a Bite out of Crime.

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Quote:

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It tastes like Chicken.

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"If you can read this I've lost my caravan"

Or .... on the back of a jacket worn by a guy on a motorbike .....

"If you can read this I've lost my girlfriend"

This may already be here, but seen on the back of a motorcyclist's shirt:

If you can read this, the ***** fell off.

My version was cleaner ... but then I suppose being a mod you can get away with anything :rolleyes:

:D

Quote:

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Originally posted by TheBionicOrange
My version was cleaner ... but then I suppose being a mod you can get away with anything :rolleyes:

:D

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What do you mean? I thought he was talking about a dog.

Oh OK then :rolleyes:


:D

My God,where do you people come from ? :eek: :eek: :eek: :D

Bio, it's what's for dinner
Not all men are bad, some are dead
If practice makes perfect and nobody is perfect, then why am I practicing?

soldier:

From hence we came, hence came from where we hence came.

Quote:

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Originally posted by Microbasic
From hence we came, hence came from where we hence came.

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a.k.a. New Jersey.

;)

Quote:

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Originally posted by Microbasic
Bio, it's what's for dinner
Not all men are bad, some are dead
If practice makes perfect and nobody is perfect, then why am I practicing?

soldier:

From hence we came, hence came from where we hence came.

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:confused: :rolleyes:

:D I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. :D

To all the dudes that posted all those bumper stickers, next time just pick out the say top 10 ones that appeal, which usually makes for higher quality jokes. ;)

:D Lions and Tigers are quite dangerous,
But a Little ***** never hurt anyone. :)

Quote:

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Originally posted by SteveCRM
its on allfunnypictures.com

http://www.vbforums.com/attachment.p...postid=1008663

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Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote:

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Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

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No kidding...

Z.

My favorite is:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

any1 here saw spaceballs (the movie by mel brooks)?
in the beginning you see a giant space ship and on the back of it there is a bumper sticker saying "we brake for nobody" ;) ...
it's not too good, but itll do!

My fav's would have to be:

I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins. - Going in my sig! :D
Why do those who know the least know it the loudest?
HANG-UP & DRIVE!

one i liked

Quote:

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this space is reserved for an add. but know one will pay me for the space.

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"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you"

If you live in a tourist town, like I do, you'll appreciate this one.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

I like "My kid beat up your honor student"

Heres a few I made up. but its very likely somone got the same idea - and they are to do with comps really, not bumper sticks - but i thoguht they were funny.

Quote:

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"Insert Disc 3..." - "How? I can only fit 2 in the drive!"

"Keyboard not found! Press any key to continue..."

"Click here to turn your monitor on"

"If you can hear this sound, your speakers are too high" - not funny...

"Press any key to continue..." - "Hmm... I dont see the Any key..."

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I think i recall seeing the Any key somwhere else, after i thoguht of it... dam lol

Quote:

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Originally posted by LITHIA
Heres a few I made up. but its very likely somone got the same idea - and they are to do with comps really, not bumper sticks - but i thoguht they were funny.



I think i recall seeing the Any key somwhere else, after i thoguht of it... dam lol

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i know where you saw any key, it's famous!
i had an old computer, which i activated, and forgot to put on a keyboard, and it said "Pointing Device Missing... Press F5 To Continue".... or something like that

At the bottom of my motorbike number plate, I used to have 'I speed up for horses'

ok...it isnt a bumper sticker....but hey it fits !!

For a full refund, insert baby.
(Seen on a condom vending machine)

I got stuck behind a guy driving a Honda Civic the other day...

his vanity plate read : MMM RICE

I enjoyed it.