Quote:
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while
the policeman searches you.
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Quote:
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while
the policeman searches you.
Quote:
I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
Quote:
Once was a hooker named Gail,
Busted and sent-off to jail,
She liked the jailer,
He wanted to nail her,
So Gail made bail with her tail.
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of
money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of
cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical
behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him
against you. He might even hold you in contempt
of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at
the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a
decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to
his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars.
It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd
sent them."
"But I did send them."
"What?? You did???"
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but
enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
Quote:
Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
20,000 women.
-- Lank and Earl
A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on
a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000
Cash Prize! See bartender for details." Keeping
one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over
and asks the bartender what he has to do to win
the prize. "You have to do three things and it's
all yours," the bartender says. "Just three
things?"
The guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining
about walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. "What
are the three things?" "Well," the bartender
says, "first you have to go over to that 200
pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I've
got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who
needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and
make the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs go
nuts."
"No problem," the guy says. He struts over
to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal yourshoelace is
untied." When the bouncer looks down at his
shoes, the man flattenshim with a single, solid
uppercut. Next he heads to the back room where
the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a
tremendous commotion from the back room--it
sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy. After a
few minutes the man emerges from the backroom,
quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.
"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that
needs her tooth pulled??
A good example of suspicious behavior is a blonde
doing push-ups in a cucumber field
One night a young boy walks in on his mom and dad
while they are having sex. He asks, "What are you
doing dad?". The boys dad says "Son I am playing
poker and your mom is my wild card!". The young
boy understands fully and goes on to bed that
night. The next night the young boy walks in on
his grandparents having sex and asks, "Grandpa
what are you doing with grandma?". his grandpa
raise up and says "I am playing poker and your
grandma is my wild card." The boy understands
again and goes to bed. The next night the boys
father walks in the bathroom and sees his son
jacking off. The father shockingly asks "Son,
what are you doing?". The son replies to his
father "I am playing poker." The father then
asks, "Where is your wild card". The son replies
"Who needs a wild card when you got a hand like
this!"
Quote:
Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
country was built.
-- Hubert Allen
Two guys where standing on a street corner
bragging about how each one was smarter. One
finally said, "I'm so smart I can tell if a
woman is wearing panties or not."
The other replied, "Impossiable, nobody is
that smart." A coupple of minutes later a woman
in her thirties walked by. The guy said "there,
she is not wearing any panties."
So the two guys confronted her and said, "We have
a bet going, could you tell us if you are wearing
panties or not."
After a couple of minutes she finally admitted
she was pantiless. After the woman walked off
the guy asked the other guy, "how could you
tell?"
The other guy replied, "Easy, there
was dandruff on her shoes."
Quote:
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
persons, two of them absent.
Q. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg
are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
A. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.
Quote:
Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
Bill, Bob and Bernie are discussing their
wives´Christmas presents.
This year, "I'm buying my wife a necklace and
a scarf. That way if she doesen't like the
necklace she can cover it with the scarf", says
Bill.
Bob Says "I'm getting mine a ring and a pair of
gloves. So if she doesn´t like the ring she can
cover it with the gloves".
Bernie says: "I'm buying my wife a hat and a
dildo, if she doesnt like the hat, she can go
**** herself!"
Quote:
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
-- Robert Frost
Quote:
courage, n:
Two cannibals having oral sex.
What's the difference between a woman and a
computer?
A woman won't accept a 3 and a half inch floppy.
Quote:
Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!"
women are like......Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Quote:
"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
"All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
like twenty more gallons of water.
The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
bricks."