Which I am in the process of doing, with my dirty great Axe!
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Which I am in the process of doing, with my dirty great Axe!
Waddya mean 'bystander'? Anyway I see my tone raising philosophy has gone down the pan...
Cheers,
P.
Drink! Feck! Arse!
td.
Great Hairy japaneese bastards
<more axe swinging antics>
Arse! Drink! FeckArse! Drink! Girlz! DrinkFeckArse!
td.
<still axe-ing>
Will you put that down cyber. you could have someones eye out with that
,sniggers> yeah, his Japs eye
Morning folks...
John, John. Tell him. He's being smutty...
td.
Ouch, Just saw Johns post before - sorry. I was, of course, referring to my Japanese fiancee tehre - td and paul can back me up on this.
Guys? GUYS????
<dissappears into the ether>
John, i have no idea what he is refering to.
td.
Ok, i do really.
td.
whyyyy I outta...
BTW, fancy a move to Deutsche, contract?
Quite possibly. Mail me.
td.
He is not the only one that fancies that...
Mail me too:)
I'll back you up then.
Cheers,
P.
Paul! Yours was in the post (I thought may may want more traditional methds of job offers!)
sending it now...
Ecky thoomp! Cheers lad...
P.
ai, looks reet good tha'
SURVIVAL GUIDE: TAKING A DUMP AT WORK
Memorise these definitions and dumping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the dumper can dump in peace.
CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the poo is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
CRACK ***** Definition: A bog that has seen more arses than the waiting room at Cheltenham Coach Station. Tell tale signs of a CRACK ***** include pubes, piss stains, **** streaks and caked-on pebbledashing. Avoid a CRACK ***** at all cost. Try finding out when the caretaker cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK ***** can become a SAFE HAVEN.
DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN) Definition: A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flush you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before dumping. Walk in, check for other dumpers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When forcing poo, several farts slip out at machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPER Definition: A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Dumper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OOTCD before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Definition: A dumper who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
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